[newtus]

maybe im depressed. maybe not idk. i can never really tell.


whatever is going on with my emotions seems neverending.
so i cannot really start somewhere.
but i can say...
for the past couple of days i had quit eating and drinking.
i ate a couple of things but did not drink anything.
i lost probably 5 or so pounds in a week. thats ok.
i had been crying a lot past month.
doing stuff that seemed suicidal by a few people but i dont feel that way particularly.
i have given all my clothes away and shoes. i have about a few shirts and a few shoes.
taken pictures of myself doing bad things to myself but not sexual stuff. just with toys aimed at my head. without going into detail.
basically doing a lot of stuff that a few people deemed suicidal but like i said i dont particularly feel that.

but i do feel a lot of loneliness. given my situation. i guess.

not sure what to think of myself.

[Leed]

Hi Newtus and welcome! I'm sorry you feel so depressed. I hate feeling like that.

Do you have a therapist? Have you been in therapy? You need to be. You need a therapist.

If you're not in therapy, can you get into therapy? Cause you really need someone to talk to, and possibly be put on medications too. The fact that you're talking about suicide indicates that you're seriously depressed and I think meds would help.

Talk to your medical doctor -- he can refer you to a good therapist because he knows who is good and who isn't. It's really important that you talk with your doctor about this. Do it soon, okay?

I know how badly you feel because I've been right where you are right now. That deep, dark hole -- it feels like you can't get out of it. You struggle and struggle, but you can't get out. You sometimes see some light and it gives you hope, but you can't get to the light. That's where the doctor comes in. That's why it's SO IMPORTANT to talk to the doctor. HE CAN HELP YOU.

Talk to him, okay? Like I said, I've been where you are, and i feel GOOD now. Take care my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[newtus]

ive been in a few therapies.
im on a few meds but i cant stand them.

therapy never seemed to help. i had a few therapists.

[ajmich]

Therapists can be lame or even totally worthless. Took much too long to finally find someone that "clicked"... and having become very cynical, sure wasn't expecting it. But it happens. Looking back all I can say is I would "act as if" I was worth going to the effort of staying alive. Sort of an auto-pilot mode. Got me through some wicked never ending lows. You have to want this, at some core level. It's in there, maybe buried beneath the crud but it's there. Leed is spot on, and I'll add, go talk to someone else. And talk to us, as you well know there are many who have been there, done that.

[newtus]

its hard to talk to others.
i guess this means at the core level i dont really want this? idk.

not sure what to think of my situation.

[tinyrabbit]

(((hugs)))

It's worth trying again with therapy, there are good ones out there.

[ajmich]

"i guess this means at the core level i dont really want this?"

Sure you want it, otherwise why be in this forum? The desire to change is there, but a sick brain can try to keep you from seeing that desire, that you DO want it. It's a twisted ego thing. And it's not such a big deal to unravel. Give therapy a shot, even if you have to fake it to make it!