I have not been visiting the site much in recent weeks and it shows because this was my outlet. We come here, share, and a bunch of people care for us and help us. I haven't been on here for that very reason, and what I'm about to say contradicts myself. I didn't want to log on because I'm trying to let me mind kill me. I've been incredibly suicidal for a week now (Basically since I bailed out on my first meeting with the psychologist after my initial intake I already talked about) and really don't know what to do because I can't seem to go get help for myself. That motivation to live I had the other week which motivated me to get help is totally gone and I can't get myself to the place willingly and have cancelled several appointments since. I just want to be dead. It can't be so ****ing hard that I've waited all these years to do it so why am I thinking about it so much. I don't want to try suicide because there's no try here. It's do, or do not. I want it to be do but can't seem to get my mind crazy enough to do it thus the "As little sleep as possible" routine is going on this week in conjunction. I just want to be normal, or dead. One or the other but let's get on with it.

[Sabra]

Ferfa,

I assume you are writing bkz you want to live. I don't need to tell you all you have done to sabtage yourself. I'm glad you have come back.

Because I don't know your situation, please bear with me. Do u have a therapist? Are u taking meds, if so who prescribed them? Have u tried suicide before? Do you have a plan.

Sabra

[unaluna]

Idk normal still sounds like boring to me. I just wanna be the best me I can be. Hope you stick around.

[winter4me]

Ask yourself "What would I be giving up if I got healthier?"
You are hanging onto something that you perceive as less painful than putting effort into getting healthier.
We do get attached to negative things (self image, beliefs, addictions...) that can be powerful at times. But, you do have choices.

[onionknight]

I can relate to the self-sabotage. And either wanting to be dead or normal, sadly...

You deserve to live a happy, healthy life, though, and if right now that means keeping appointments, I think you know what you neeed to do.

[Pierro]

Hi Anon, I am sorry that you are in such turmoil. Just keep typing, it helps, you know it does. I'm sorry dont have any words of wisdom. Maybe your meds arent working, or they need to be revised.
Best wishes.

[F3RFA]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I think winter4me is onto something with the being attached to negative things. Whenever I do feel "Normal" it doesn't last long because I don't like how it feels and purposely do things to get me back depressed.

"Do u have a therapist? Are u taking meds, if so who prescribed them? Have u tried suicide before? Do you have a plan."

I do have a therapist if I can go. I've skipped two appointments now due to anxiety/lack of energy. I called today to try and get one more chance with her. I'm on 300mg Wellbutrin, and I was on Celexa until I remembered what Celexa does to me (I used to be on it back in my teens) so I stopped taking that today so I'll have to try and get a different kind of serotonin or whatever that one is. The psychiatrist at the same place (U of A hospital). I've never tried to kill myself. I hold a controversial view of suicide attempts so I'll keep it to myself. I always have a plan.

I'm feeling much better right now. I still am clenching my teeth so I can't be totally over it but I do feel like I'm out of the dangerous part of the woods for now. Thank you all for listening and caring.

[F3RFA]

That's so annoying. My post didn't post and I didn't copy it first so this will be a lot more brief sorry. Thanks for the support first of all everyone I could really feel it.

I think winter4me is onto the main problem which is being attached to negative things. I'm addicted to the feeling of feeling like **** I think because when I feel normal, it doesn't feel right, and I do everything I can to get out of that mind set and either try and be really excited or back to being depressed. Normal is uncomfortable.

I do have a therapist but I have not gone back since my initial intake. I've cancelled on two appointments but I called today in the hopes I can give it one more shot. I don't care at all now, and that's the problem. I always have these fleeting "I need to change my life" but then after putting in the initial effort I can never see it through and I inevitably end up back here for yet another year. The psychiatrist at the same place (U of A Hospital) prescribed 300 mg of Wellbutrin and Celexa but when I remembered what Celexa does to me I stopped using it. I need to go back and ask for something different.

I've never tried to kill myself. I hold a controversial view on attempting suicide so I'm just going to keep that to myself to avoid conflict. I always have a plan. Doesn't everyone?

Thank you all for the support. I feel like I'm out of the woods so to speak for now. Feeling "Alright" and that's good enough for me. Don't mind being depressed, just hate being suicidal if I'm not going to do it because all it does is worry others and I hate burdoning people with that fear and yet I can't seem to not tell someone you know?