[bluefish27]

Hi all. I'm new in this forum.
I've been struggling with depression for more than a decade, but its been pretty severe and consistent since '05. I've been on antidepressants and mood stabilizers but I never felt any benefit from them. Currently I take 900 mg of St John's Wort which I have felt the best on than anything else I've tried, expect the problem is that it wears off a few hours after talking it and I'm in the same position again. I'm leary of going back to doc for prescription because of past inefficiencies and side effects, but I'm almost to the point of desperation, that I'll try anything.
Anyway, this is not really what I want to post about. I'm really stuck in a horrible cycle that I just don't know how to get out of. And its ruining my marriage.
I am sleeping all day and watching tv all night. When I do manage to get on a decent sleep cycle, I just watch tv all day. I can't keep a job. I don't do much around the house except cook and do the dishes a few times a week and clean the house only once every few weeks more or less...basically until I can't stand it anymore and I psyche myself up into doing it. I used to bathe daily but even that's cut back. It's so embarrassing to say I don't even brush my teeth everyday sometimes. I hate leaving the house. Going to do groceries, or to the bank, or take my dog for walks. All of it is a struggle that I hate doing. I love being outdoors, I have goals and dreams for my life...so why do I feel like this? The bigger question is how do I change ?
My husband and I are in a tough situation. We met in school and decided we want to build our lives together, the whole thing...house children etc. He graduated from the university with a double bachelor's and I of course didn't. He is an immigrant and now needs my help to stay here and build the life we dreamed of. But we are struggling financially to support ourselves and do that. Me not holding a job is really hurting us. I know this, I'm very aware. But yet, I haven't been able to do it and I feel extremely guilty. To add injury to insult I just don't feel like my husband understands how much I'm struggling. How miserable living like this is. How much it hurts to know I've let him down as well as myself. I feel like I've got more on my shoulders than I can deal with. I have my own personal problems with depression etc, as well as our financial and immigration problems, and now the relationship problems. How do I make him understand and support me ? I need help to get better. I haven't been able to pull it together on my own. I know he feels like I've put everything on his shoulders and he resents me. If I don't help, everything he's worked for and all the time he's spent supporting us will be wasted. He will have to go home to a very poor country and I don't think I could go with him, I don't think I could survive it. It's a lot of pressure for me as well as him. Our relationship has gone down hill really bad. He just wants me to be responsible in my life and help us make it through this legal stuff. And I just need to feel he really understands how I feel and encourage me a little. We stopped sleeping together. We can't communicate without fighting. Its not a happy or comfortable situation to live in which makes my depression worse, which isn't helping to change why things are bad in the first place. I know my depression is effecting him too. And I understand why and how he could feel like he does. But I also feel like, hey ! I'm struggling too and this isnt my fault, you are my husband where is my understanding love and support too ? Im lost and don't know of a way out at this point.

[Travelinglady]

Bluefish, you are no doubt very depressed. I suggest that you go back to another doctor and try some other treatments. Yes, there are side effects to meds and some don't work, but as you can see, your depression is not only affecting the quality of your personal life, but it is also affecting your relationship with your husband and your future plans together. If you can get that problem dealt with, then these other problems will go away.

You are not the only person who can't get his/her loved ones to understand that you can't help the way you are. You aren't just being lazy.

How about going back into treatment then? And ask your husband if he could please read about depression and even go into a session of therapy with you, if that's allowed?

Please keep us informed!

[allimsaying]

Hi Bluefish,

Payne is very smart and gives great advice. I can tell you are very caring, otherwise you wouldnt feel the burden of what is happening in your life and I wish your husband could see that too.

To share a personal story, when I was younger, I went to my therapist at the time and explained how badly I was feeling in my situation. It involved my work life. After spilling my guts and telling her everything I waited for her answer. She simply said "it sounds like your environment is no longer supporting you."

Well, that should have been easy, just change jobs and magically everything would get better, except, when I did that, things didnt get better. I took the same set of problems with myself over to the next job and it just started all over again.

The depression your feeling is a challenge to you that something in your life or attitude about life needs to change. Its hard feeling optimistic when circumstances seem to outweigh your ability to overcome. If you cant change your circumstances right now, then changing your attitude about your circumstances is the next best thing you can do.

Its hard overcoming your husbands attitude and hopefully Paynes' suggestion helps in that your husband can see a little better whats happening for you. I hope that reminding him the vows 'for better or worse' apply here but in some cases, the 'worse' is more than people can overcome. I just hope he can.

If he cant, you need to get in a place emotionally and mentally that without support you cant tolerate what is happening and then you need to find that support even tho it might be separate from the marriage and it may even mean getting on thru life without the marriage. I never advise breakups easily but if marriage is whats bringing you down and you're not getting the help you need from within the marriage, sometimes its best to walk away, mark one up for lesson learned.

I hope husband can get on the same page with you.

[Pierro]

Hi Blue fish,
You are very welcome, and I know that you will get great support just like I am. I to am in a situation similar to your in the fact that my husband doesnt undertand depression. When I have normal days he thinks im fine and then he sees me crying again and I can see his face cringe. They just need to be educated about depression. So sorry to hear of your financial problems, depression is bad enough with the worry of money. That adds to the burden. Im sorry I'm not much consilation to you but you should go back to your doctor. Best wishes and keep in touch

[bluefish27]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind replies. I'm feeling much better lately. Sometimes all we need is one thing to suddenly start seeing things brighter. Be it one conversation that finally just clicks, or a small opportunity to be better than you are. And I've had both lately. Also, I tend to get lost in my own feelings, my own issues, my own struggles that I don't see what is happening with someone I care for, right in front of my eyes. Several things in my mind have just clicked recently and I'm feeling hopeful and determined to fight for myself and my relationships. No one can help you until you are ready to help yourself. No I may not have money right now or insurance, but I can still do things to fight this myself and I intend to do my best at them. Hope everyone is doing well. Sending all my gratitude and best wishes to you.