[boundandbroken]

Hello, I'm boundandbroken.
Not really very good at this talking thing (outside of poetry, that is), and my internet is pretty bad (on a ship). This is the second time I've typed up this post, and it seems harder this time around.
Either way, I'm new here. Found the site by clicking on a link on a site, and then again on that site, and then again on that site, etc etc, until here I was.
So, I suffer from a whole range of inter-relating problems: depression, chronic loneliness, isolophobia, fear of rejection, suicidal thoughts, borderline personality disorder, and trust and abandonment issues. And these all mostly stem from a childhood of pain. I'll probably end up posting the poems I've written about my childhood in the forums.
Mostly, I'm just looking for help. I'm being overwhelmed by everything in my life. I'm military, so going to others isn't the best option and seeking help on my own (and out of my own pocket) isn't an option when I'm in the middle of the ocean...
I just...I just want the pain end, one way or the other. Hopefully, with me being alive and happy. Well, truly happy, since those around me say I seem like the happiest, most hyper and cheerful person ever. But I'm not. God, I'm not. And maybe I'm wrong to say I want the pain to end. I can handle the pain, because at least that's a feeling. It's the numbness, the emptiness that's slowly killing me. I need to find a way to fill this emptiness before it's too late...
After all, as one of my favorite writers once wrote (paraphrased since I can't remember the exact quote), no one really wants to die. They just, maybe, don't want to live and life doesn't give another choice...
Well, I think I'll close this introduction out with my latest (and favorite) poem. Thanks for reading.

I Want

I want to look at the ocean

Without thinking of death

To swim in the sea

Without wanting to take my last breath

And sink to the bottom

To finally sleep

And escape from these tears

I constantly weep

I want to look at a knife

Without needing pain

To stand at soaring heights

And not feel urges so insane

To jump off that ledge

And know how it feels to fly

But more than all of this

I want to not want to die

[wildflowerchild25]

i looooooooove your poem! i totally understand. when I am in a depression that is exactly how I feel. I don't want to WANT to die anymore. I don't want to WANT to hurt myself. I wish I could go back to being normal - except I never was.

I did most of my recovery work outside of therapy (i got sick of therapists) when I was trying to recover from childhood trauma and abandonment. It was a lot introspection and writing on my part, and also letting myself actually feel feelings knowing the feelings themselves wouldn't kill me. It was so hard finally accepting my father's death and my mother's neglect - but I felt so much better for it. i can't say exactly what happened except I just had to sit with the feelings of grief and anger and realize they couldn't kill me. I had to accept that they were there and that I had a right to feel that way. The last major hurdle for me was to allow myself to be angry with my father for dying, which I never did because he died from illness, so obviously it wasn't his choice. When I finally broke down one Christmas (always at christmas!!) i wrote a long letter to him in the voice of ten-year-old me. I cried a whole lot but when I was done and I had felt the feelings i began to be able to forgive him and move on.

obviously I know how impossible that sounds! If someone had told me that when I was going through my worst problems I would have told them to get lost - and i did, numerous times. but it was the only thing that saved me. you are a poet, and your poetry can be your out. unfortunately I cannot explain exactly how to do it!

just know that it IS possible!!!! You can make it through, hell you're alive despite whatever happened to you as a kid!

(problems i have now are purely chemical)

I hope you feel better some day - it always sucks waaaaaaay worse before it gets better. that was my experience!

[boundandbroken]

Thank you so much wildflower. And you're right in a way. I use my poetry as my own form of therapy. I've written a whole series of poems on the bad things that have happened in my life, and each one has helped me a little. I've even started posting them in the Creative Corner here.
It's just that I've finally realized this might be more than I can do on my own. So I'm glad I found this site.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I'm adopted (which says only a little about my biological mother, compared to the other things she did) and have an idea of how that neglect could have shaped you in life. And I myself never knew my biological father. I am slowly losing my adopted father to his old age though (he's 85 this year). I've always known he was going to die, but now that that time is just on the horizon...I realized knowing and understanding are not the same thing.
Again, thank you for the reply. It really does mean a lot to me.

[wildflowerchild25]

Oh I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist if you could but you said you can't right now. Coming here is a small step though!

I understand about losing someone slowly - my grandfather is 81 and Ill and I know it's just a matter of time but I hate thinking about it!

[Leed]

Hi my friend ~ I totally understand what you're going thru. I've felt alone and "broken" since I was a small child. Now I know that I have clinical depression. But as a child, of course I didn't know what it was. All I knew was that I was always sad.

Both my parents were alcoholics, so my sisters and I (there were 4 of us) got absolutely NO attention at all. NOTHING. There were no hugs, no "I love you's," - there was nothing at all. I felt even then that I didn't have parents.

Now both of them are gone. I forgave them long ago, because they gave ME what THEY were given. They couldn't give me something they didn't have. They were brought up the same way I was, so it was impossible for them to show the emotion I craved. They just didn't know how.

Forgiving them was freeing for me. If I hadn't gotten rid of the resentments, it would have eaten me alive. There is a saying: "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." And it's so true. I carried those resentments for many years, but all it did was make ME sick.

I miss my parents terribly. My Dad passed away in 1990, and my Mom in 2003. Mom had stopped drinking when Dad died -- I thought that quite curious. lol Obviously he drove her crazy.

If there is some way for you, I urge you to get some therapy, unless it's going to jeopardize your service career. And by the way -- THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY!!! You have no idea how much I appreciate your service, as I know how much you sacrifice by serving. I know how difficult it must be, being out to sea for so long. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you and what you do.

Keep posting here, and we'll help you as much as we can. I wish you the very best, my friend. God bless you and please take good care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[Rohag]

Welcome, Boundandbroken!

Originally Posted by boundandbroken

I can handle the pain, because at least that's a feeling. It's the numbness, the emptiness that's slowly killing me.

That resonates. So does your poem.

Being in the military with your set of issues and on a ship - that makes it all the more problematic. Keep posting, and please include the poems.

[jitters]

I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but I'm struggling with that all-consuming pain and numbness, myself. I just had to tell you that your poem is beautiful. So evocative, so resonant, and the cadence got me right here --> I'm a huge fan of expertly employed rhythm in poems. Yours was a real pleasure to read aloud

[beautifulfreak]

I share many of same mental health issues as you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem. I love poetry and used to write a lot when I was in my teens. Wish I could write now.

Wish I had some words to offer you…you're not alone…is something I can offer.

[avlady]

I want to not want to die and to know how it feels to fly, beautiful words, you've helped me today.

[Idiot17]

Your poem is written real well, very well depicted. I have nothing to offer, just that you're not alone in this.