[AmieW]

I'm just thinking through my fingers. If anger triggers you, please stop here.

I have lost interest in everything I ever liked. I have been trying to figure out exactly when I stopped listening to music, because it was a huge part of my life up until a few years ago. I literally have 50 gigs of downloaded music, but I never listen to it anymore, and haven't for awhile. I just seem to need complete silence now. I used to love to garden, but now it just feels like work. I've gotten extremely lazy, and very determined not to do anything that someone else tries to manipulate me into doing so they won't have to do it. This is real. I have a housemate who is terminally manipulative and is always trying to get me to do her work by leaving things until I can't stand them anymore. I'm trying to get enough money to move, so I'm hoping getting out of here will be a step back toward normalcy.

In short, I see the world as a horrible place and am just angry all the time. Honestly, I'm angry at myself, because I'm in a place I don't want to be and shouldn't be, but my own laziness and worthlessness got me here and has kept me here. So instead of hurting myself physically, I just silently direct my anger at other people. I don't confront anyone, because it does no good, so I just walk away then walk around spouting all this hatefulness under my breath as soon as they are out of earshot.

I was taking Wellbutrin for a few months, and it was good, but I have no insurance and can't afford it anymore. I'm in the same situation as so many other people now. I make too much to qualify for free services, but have absolutely no money to spend on doctors and medicines.

I'm trying hard to treat myself with food now, because at least I have to buy that, but I find myself so depressed that I don't want to prepare meals, so the special diet does me no good.

I know that only I can pull myself out of this, which I don't, which makes me even angrier.

Thanks for listening.

[loudpipes]

Wow, I am so sorry that you are in an ugly place right now. But it's not good for you to hold that anger in. Have you tried working out? Why do you hold it in when your roommate is a slob? I suggest you calmly bring up the issues that are bothering you. Trust me its way better to let your feelings out instead of stewing over them. And stop putting yourself down. Trust me there are plenty of people out there that would do that for you. Would you walk up to a complete stranger and call them lazy and worthless. No, I don't think you would. So why would you treat yourself that way when you gotta live with yourself 24/7 for the rest of your life. You need to be a friend to yourself, respect yourself, be kind to yourself and most of all love yourself. I understand your depressed right now so everything looks gray. Try writing in a journal one thing that your grateful for each day. For example your grateful for your eyesight and so on. I know what Im saying sounds easier said then done. But if my crazy !#+ can do it so can you. Oh and it truly sucks that you have no way of getting the meds you need. I really hope you feel better

[unhappycamper463]

Take up women's MMA -> get hot -> profit. (haha)

I spew hate at myself all the time. I hate myself for what I've become. I hate myself for what I am. I hate myself for how I treat others. I hate myself for how I act.

I guess I'm lucky that healthcare is covered by the gov/insurance and that I can throw money at my problems. But honestly it doesn't work. I've been taking drugs and doing therapy for a couple months and I haven't noticed any difference (it actually got worse for a while).

I dunno. You can get books about CBT at the library for free. They haven't worked for me yet but apparently it's scientifically proven (....so are the pills...). But at least it's free.

Hi, AmieW.

In my view there are about three things that alter one's mental health besides inherited mental illness and they are an unfavorable environment, food sensitivities, and financial status. You have three of the four working against you right now.

I would try first to get out of the environment you are in. Secondly, correcting your
diet is the most helpful thing I know of for you since you can't afford medical care, and you financial status is the cause of that.

You really do need to make at least two visits to see a medical doctor. One is for
the purpose of being prescribed an inexpensive antidepressant or a mild tranquillizer
to help the anger dissolve, and the other is to determine if you need to remain on one
for some time until issues resolve.

Once you change your living arrangements, much of the anger might dissipate, but
the anger is something you need to talk about with a specialist when you can afford it. It is a habit you have developed to react to the stress of living conditions, and it is one that is difficult to break without understanding why you always react that way (though it's easy to understand why you would feel that under the circumstances you're in).

Make an effort to save enough to see a doctor, please. That's a very good thing
for your health in the long run.

Take care of yourself first, please.

[AmieW]

Thanks for all the advice. I forgot to mention I'm also beginning to walk and work out. I'm working on getting out of here, but it will be a few months before I can get the money together.

I have tried talking calmly to my roommate, believe me. She is in such denial of her faults. She gets very angry if I try to tell her something that bothers me. Today she was telling me that she gets very angry when people "say things about me that aren't true." How do you talk to someone like that? She refuses to see what she does wrong, and even if she sees that it's wrong, she has an excuse for why she does or doesn't do it. She is much more disturbed than I am, and a lot of people she thinks are her friends see it too. I've had them come up and hug me and ask if I'm o.k., because she goes around badmouthing me to them, saying I'm crazy. They've told me they know it isn't me, and that I should just get out of here.

Right now, I just stay in my room most of the time because I don't have a car, so I'm stuck here most of the time. I have a plan to get out , and all I can do is stick to that and not let anything get in my way. She is continually trying to upset me or sabotage me because for some reason, she doesn't want me to leave, even though I've told her it's not good for my mental health to stay here.

I put myself down because I know if I hadn't let the depression take over and if I had worked harder, I could be out of here by now. It's like I'm my own worst enemy.

Thanks for listening.

[silverdad52]

For whatever it is worth, I get it completely. I might not be as verbally angry as you are but the feelings are the same. I keep them bottled up inside. So you are probably dealing with it better than I am. I too used to LOVE music and was played professionally. Now, not only do I not play, I don't even listen to music in the car. It is part of my self-denial/punishment. I personally cannot wait to get back to being my old self one of these days.

Originally Posted by AmieW

I'm just thinking through my fingers. If anger triggers you, please stop here.

I have lost interest in everything I ever liked. I have been trying to figure out exactly when I stopped listening to music, because it was a huge part of my life up until a few years ago. I literally have 50 gigs of downloaded music, but I never listen to it anymore, and haven't for awhile. I just seem to need complete silence now. I used to love to garden, but now it just feels like work. I've gotten extremely lazy, and very determined not to do anything that someone else tries to manipulate me into doing so they won't have to do it. This is real. I have a housemate who is terminally manipulative and is always trying to get me to do her work by leaving things until I can't stand them anymore. I'm trying to get enough money to move, so I'm hoping getting out of here will be a step back toward normalcy.

In short, I see the world as a horrible place and am just angry all the time. Honestly, I'm angry at myself, because I'm in a place I don't want to be and shouldn't be, but my own laziness and worthlessness got me here and has kept me here. So instead of hurting myself physically, I just silently direct my anger at other people. I don't confront anyone, because it does no good, so I just walk away then walk around spouting all this hatefulness under my breath as soon as they are out of earshot.

I was taking Wellbutrin for a few months, and it was good, but I have no insurance and can't afford it anymore. I'm in the same situation as so many other people now. I make too much to qualify for free services, but have absolutely no money to spend on doctors and medicines.

I'm trying hard to treat myself with food now, because at least I have to buy that, but I find myself so depressed that I don't want to prepare meals, so the special diet does me no good.

I know that only I can pull myself out of this, which I don't, which makes me even angrier.

Thanks for listening.