Putting on a front

I don't know why put no matter how depressed or in need of support i keep putting on a fake happy face when people ask if i'm okay, my mother knows i'm depressed and tries to do the best she can to make sure i'm alright (not in a checking every hour way) whenever i seem down. But i keep lying, saying i'm fine and smiling. Sometimes i'll even start crying or just huddle up in a corner after she's gone and just let myself dwell deeper and deeper into my depression until i finally manage to drag myself out.
I know this is a bit heavy for a chat room but i don't know why i constantly do it and it just makes me wanna scream for someone to realise i'm lying.

I have felt this way before too. Really wanting someone to see behind the fake happy face and see that I'm in pain. Sometimes I do find catharsis in just crying by myself or taking time alone. Other times I realize I really need to talk to someone (friend, family member, therapist, etc) because no one can read my mind and I shouldn't expect them to.
I hope that, no matter which path you choose, you feel better soon.

I'm sorry you are in such a desperate situation. Its hard to ask for help, but sometimes that is the only way you will get it. I went through all of junior high and high school very depressed. My grades dropped, I stopped talking and lost twenty pounds within a matter of weeks. The school had a crisis center, butI was too afraid to go. I wanted someone to step forward and help, but fgured they hadn't noticed.

Years later I went back to my highschool to see my old guidance counsellor. She told me that she and all my teachers had noticed that something was very wrong but didn't know what. She said they discussed it amongst themselves.
Several grown ups, all there to teach and help the kids and not one of them ever asked me if there was a problem.

Point being that you will stand a better chance at getting help if you confide in someone and be honest about how bad you feel. Since your mother is attempting to reach you, she would be the logical choice of someone for you to talk to. I know its scary, but she can help you find a therapist to help you. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. It doesn't mean you are weak. In fact the opposite is true. It takes courage to ask for help. Don't let yourself fall deeper and deeper into depression.

Sam2

I call it my public mask. I am slowly working through my depression.

My mask goes with my agoraphobia, when I go out it drains me of a lot of energy. It is ok to discuss this because it is the depression forums.

i feel you. i still do this most of the time. maybe it's because we fear our loved ones getting hurt. when asked about my wellbeing, i would just say i'm okay.

i guess partly because i live with my family so i don't want them bugging about me feeling bad all the time.

but i do hope you find comfort in telling your docs about your feelings (if you are seeking one!)

*hugs*

It makes perfect sense that you wouldn't want to tell people what's going on. It makes things a lot easier in the moment when you lie. You don't have to explain yourself and stick your neck out to see if they'll listen or laugh, you don't have to risk possibly crying in public, and you don't have to feel guilty for "making someone else carry your burden". These are the beliefs i struggle with whenever i find myself lying to people saying "I'm fine".
BUT it does not do any good because in the long run you do in fact need to tell someone. I used to be fearful of how people would choose to respond because my peers used to make me out as a joke most of the time. I could never feel comfortable crying in front of anyone except my dog, Max because i felt inferior and whiny because that's what my dad taught me to believe about tears but he was wrong. I also used to struggle with letting other people know because I didn't want to be viewed as the attention seeker or make other people feel bad for me, but it doesn't affect others THAT much, they'll just be kind of sad with you for a bit because they care and then walk away, letting it roll off their back, and maybe even feel better because they helped someone other than themselves, even if its only a small sacrifice for them.
Then I also realized, you don't have to tell everyone, just one person you trust is enough if you choose the right one, and my mom was the best choice for me because I will always be her beloved child, whether my heart really believes it or not and I'm making a very very gradual recovery.
Some moms can be really awesome sometimes and yours seems like a great one.
Sometimes its better to go up to her and bring up the subject yourself, that way you just have to say "Mom, I really need to talk to you about something very important... " instead of being put on the spot and having that reflex to lie.

I think it's a common thing to do. I've done it my whole life, and people that aren't that close to me get such a shock when I tell them I'm unwell or how many years I've lived with it. There's nothing wrong with seeking help, also it can help to put on that 'mask' some of the time, but if it builds up too much it can just blow up. Which has recently happened to me again.

I do hope you have some support though, going through these illnesses alone is near impossible.