Fixing The Problem - Part 1

Hey Everyone:

First of all, I want everyone to know just how appreciated all of the wonderful support and comments to date have been. It's so nice knowing that there are people out there that care and that will try to help if they can! Now I'm going to get a little more serious if you don't mind.

My mother-in-law has neglected and mistreated my daughter on several different occassions since my daughter was a year old (3 years now). After each incident we (My husband and I) distance ourselves from her for quite some time thus allowing ourselves the opportunity to cool down and we choose not to place our daughter in her care again until we feel she is ready to be given another chance to handle things in the manner that they should be handled. Well, what I am wondering is when is enough enough? I hate having to worry that if I leave my daughter in her care chances are good that she may not receive the care that she deserves. My next question is, should we confront her with our concerns/disgust advising her that we feel she cannot be trusted with our daughter and therefore our daughter will not be allowed to spend the night etc. or do we just bite our lip and refuse alone time? Please take a minute and let me know what you think. Your opinions mean so much to me!

Take Care!

Oh dear, difficult situation. Is there any reason why she is negligent? As in does she suffer from an illness or something.

Anyway, regardless, I think you and hubby should talk it out with her and tell her about your concerns. I mean, if you are silent about it she might not know she is doing something wrong and/or will never change. Talking about it might bring some realisation (on her part) of her actions and thus, give her a chance to change for the better... if she wants to. Also, you both (hubby and you) will not keep this 'inner' resentment.

So do talk it out with her, but without being confrontational about it. See what she has to say. If she is all brazen about it, you might reconsider letting her have your daughter. I know I would be wary in this situation.

IMO - if this matter has been going on for say.... over a year - then I would say no more over nights or long day stays with grandma until your daughter is old enough to care for her self a little bit.... say 8 or 10 years old.

Good Luck.... and YES, talk to her about how you two are feeling.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - (((( hugs ))))

I've done an ungodly amount of soul searching to try to figure out why she is negligent and I cannot come up with an acceptable reason. The only illness that she suffers from is Diabetes and personally, I cannot see a connection between it and her actions or lack thereof.

My concern with talking it out with her is that in the past whenever there has been an issue that we've (my husband and I) brought to her attention she has chosen to take the nasty, "female dog" attitude. At one point in time my husband chose to approach her with regards to something that she had done and told her that it hurt his feelings that she did whatever it was that she did and she chose to make a mockery out of us and out of what he said.

My other concern is that if nothing is said and if we chose to distance ourselves/our daughter from her she'll only get nastier!

Let me know what you think!

Hey Rhap:

As I mentioned to Always, my concern with talking it out with her is that in the past when my husband chose to address an issue with her by stating that it hurt his feelings that she did whatever it was that she did, she chose to make a mockery out of us and out of what my husband had said.

My other concern is that if nothing is said and if we chose to distance ourselves/our daughter from her she'll only get nastier!

Let me know what you think!

When in doubt, don't. You are under no obligation to leave your child anywhere you aren't absolutely sure she's safe!

I wouldn't broach the subject with "mom" either. If you don't give her any ammunition, she can't fire it back at you. If you show your "hand" in this, she might hide her nastiness in front of you, and still be unsafe with your child. Silence would be golden on this, imo.

But, if you are concerned for her own health, then by all means approach her on that... maybe more is going on with her, and maybe she doesn't even know it. If you can help her seek more help then do so, but again, I wouldn't mention the fear of her being with your child.

If this was my son and my situation - after the time there was a problem I would have flat out told her that what she was doing was not the way I was raising my child and that from that moment on there would be not time with grandma alone and if grandma had a problem with that then no contact at all, and there would not be any waiting for things to calm down and or blow over. The reason I would do this is because I know that one situation causes as much damage to a child as accumulation of times. For example a person who gets called a name by a care taker once feels the same way a child who gets called that same name by a care taker many times. A child who experiences one abusive hit suffers the same emotional damage as many abusive hits over a space of time. A child who was molested once suffers the same emotional damage as a child repeatedly being molested over a space of time. So many times in my real world groups I have encountered survivors who say "oh don't mind me it was only once". and then I ask the person were you humiliated, scared, and so on? and they answer yes and then the person realizes yea it was only once but that once caused the same feelings. when any of us abuse survivors were / are in therapy when we tell of the only once situations does the therapist say - well it was only once so you are ok. Also in my public days I found out that a parson who puts any child in a situation where they know there is a risk of physical, emotional or sexual abuse and or neglect can be held legally accontable as being an accessory to the crime of child abuse.

Why should I go to jail and lose parental rights to my child for someone else not doing right to my child?

why should my child repeatedly go through abuse and or neglect?

Im the adult and my child is the child.

I am the voice for my child to ensure his safety and physical and mental welbeing.

The right thing for my child regardless of what I feel about the person harming my child through physical, sexual, emotional abuse and or neglect is that he not be subjected to being harmed in these ways.

So if this was me based on the fact that I know my child is not being cared for propery and has already suffered because of the first situation happening and that if I did allow my son to be back in that situation knowing full well there was a risk of abuse or neglect and by doing so I can be arrested, I would say thats it the first time supervised by the parents or nothing and not put any "for now" "for a time frame" on as a condition.

Hi bgngm, thanks for clarifying. Sorry, just to probe again: did either of you (you or your husband) tell her that her negligence of a 3 year old is worrying you? What if something happened to your daughter etc. She does not appear to be very responsible, thus difficult to trust with a young child…. or any child for that matter.

If the answer to the above is yes (you spoke to her and she makes a mockery about it and/or is still nasty), then you are justified in your reluctance not to let her have your child…. for any prolonged time. Who wouldn’t? In this instance, I think the best policy would be to tell her point blank that you are worried about leaving your daughter with her and if she continues to put your child in jeopardy and is not prepared to be more responsible, then you will *not* let her have your daughter for X months, or a year. Sounds harsh, but if she refuses to take responsibility for a 3 year old, that seems to show that she does not actually want to be with said 3 year old.

Maybe just let her know how things stand and move away if she still refuses to ‘cooperate’. It would be the lesser of two evils as one can’t take chances with a child. Sorry you have it so tough but you do need to think of your daughter first if the MIL won’t....

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bgngm1298 said:
Hey Rhap:

As I mentioned to Always, my concern with talking it out with her is that in the past when my husband chose to address an issue with her by stating that it hurt his feelings that she did whatever it was that she did, she chose to make a mockery out of us and out of what my husband had said.

My other concern is that if nothing is said and if we chose to distance ourselves/our daughter from her she'll only get nastier!

Let me know what you think!

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Well, from my personally experience with this type of person....
YOU have to stand firm and NEVER let her push one way or the other, and while it may take years to get this through her mental state of being - it will be worth it in the long run.... for both you, your husband, your daughter and YES even the thick headed mother-in-law.

I had gone through a similar situation with my own family and while it took any were from 5 to 7 years to get them to understand that WE would not be pushed around.... it was worth the fight I took for the sake of my children, now all is well.

Gook Luck.... (and) Stand your Ground!!!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -