[beblevins]

I really don't know where to start. I have handled my life pretty well with the amount of traumatic experiences I have had (child abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse from significant others, suicide attempts, etc.)

Four years ago, I moved to a larger city with a significant other (whom I'd been with for a year) that I planned on marrying one day. Shortly after that move, he became extremely abusive physically, emotionally, and mentally. Still I held on to him and helped him succeed in life. He is now graduating from my university while I am dropping out. The worst of our relationship I felt was when he beat me to the ground and repeatedly kicked my face until I was unconscious. I left for a week to my best friends home and never shared what happened to me with my family.

I later became pregnant after my birth control failed (thank you Nuva-ring) and told myself that I could not keep this child because of the abusive relationship I (and most likely it) would have with its father. I speak from experience when I considered my options. My father suffers from PTSD from Vietnam and used to physically abuse my mother and I. He still suffers from this condition, but is in therapy. I still feel like my past is the reason I stuck with this relationship for almost 5 years. I was already in therapy, but talked my boyfriend into attending anger management and private sessions. Things did not get better.

Shortly after this I found out that my family was losing their home. So I drove 3.5 hours (one way) every weekend for a period of 4 months to help them move. My boyfriend decided that I was cheating on him (not the case). He broke up with me over the phone with my best friend listening to him degrade me in every way possible.

Luckily I removed myself from this abusive situation and found a WONDERFUL man who treats me the way a woman should be. My greatest challenge with my current relationship was retraining my brain to accept real love. I didn't understand that I deserved better and my therapist really helped me deal with this. A year later, it still is a challenge because I feel indebted to people and try to reciprocate. I digress...

For the last ten years of my life I have been dealing with severe back pain. For the last 6 months my health has been steadily declining and now it looks like I will be having a 3 level fusion on my lower back at the age of 25. Doctors usually don't consider this at my age (it's usually reserved for people 60+), but there are no other options for my situation.

I have now withdrew from school (pre-veterinary medicine) and just feel stuck in life. Since my past abusive relationship my grades have been at a steady decline. I had a 3.5 GPA and now have 2.5 GPA. I feel completely stuck. I am not sure if I will be able to continue on the career path I have chosen if my mobility is limited. It took me a long time to heal my wounds from the abusive relationship and just when I was starting to feel like I have control now I feel feel like everything has been taken away from me again. I'm beginning to find myself slipping back into the feeling that I do not deserve anything good in life. Is that why every time I'm starting to feel "ok", God rips the rug right out from under me?

I want to go back to school, but the amount of depression and anxiety I feel is too great. I feel like even if I did start, my GPA is SO LOW that it is hopeless to even try. My family has tried to help me, but they seem to be a trigger for my panic attacks. Every time I try to gather the courage to try to figure out my future I have an attack. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I have even used a computer in 3 months because it reminds me of school. Also, I disconnected my phone so that wouldn't stress me out and force me into an attack. I feel like I am a complete disappointment to myself, my family, and now my boyfriend. How can I get out of this?

[Rohag]

Welcome, Beblevins!

Chronic pain, depression and anxiety all feed off one another. As much as you are concerned about your future, I believe you are not currently in a state where you can effectively consider your path. Perhaps getting at least one of the problems you mention under managed control might get you closer to a place where you can profitably weigh your options.

Make yourself at home, Beblevins!

[adam_k]

I think talking about what is bothering you here will help. You were out through some awful things that no one should have to endure. I'm glad you got out of your abusive relationship. No one deserves to be out through that and I hope one day you realise you deserve better. Depression can make us feel like we are worthless and deserve to be in suffering and misery, but it is a self created delusion. You deserve to be treated with kindess and compassion and in a supportive relationship. I would reccomend therapy if you can afford it. I think if you found better ways to manage you depression and self esteem you would be more capable to go back to school. Keep posting here is it helps. I find it useful for me to get things out to a supportive and understanding group of people.

[beblevins]

Originally Posted by adam_k

I think talking about what is bothering you here will help. You were out through some awful things that no one should have to endure. I'm glad you got out of your abusive relationship. No one deserves to be out through that and I hope one day you realise you deserve better. Depression can make us feel like we are worthless and deserve to be in suffering and misery, but it is a self created delusion. You deserve to be treated with kindess and compassion and in a supportive relationship. I would reccomend therapy if you can afford it. I think if you found better ways to manage you depression and self esteem you would be more capable to go back to school. Keep posting here is it helps. I find it useful for me to get things out to a supportive and understanding group of people.

Thank you for your response. I am currently in therapy and am trying to overcome some of these issues. I try to talk to my family about my issues, but the focus quickly turns into them feeling sorry for themselves (ultimately making it about themselves). I think that is why I am currently seeking others who can relate to my issues and stress.

[adam_k]

My family did a bad job relating to me. They told me it was mostly in my head and i could snap out of it. They made me feel awful for feeling depressed. I think therapists because things are one sided. It is about my issues and how I think and not what they feel. Friends and family can't do that, the they can. The only support I really have is my wife, and this place.

[montanan4ever]

Hi there and welcome. I have one suggestion that you might not have considered as it pertains to school and furthering your work options: Because you have physical and psychological diagnoses, you would qualify for assistance from your state vocational rehabilitation program. This is the best kept secret in many state departments of labor!

You can find them wherever your county human services offices are located (like unemployment, welfare etc.). Please consider scheduling an initial appointment and see what they might be able to do to help.

Regarding low GPA: A path back into post-secondary schooling might start through your community college. They take everyone :-).

[beautifulfreak]

Hi there beblevins…I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I completed two degrees at different points in my life and I needed the support of the Disability Support Services of the University both times. Also, the support from my faculty.

It is really difficult to manage College when feeling so unwell. I was hospitalised during the last degree and hence finished my degree later than my peers. I also could not turn on my laptop during that time because even looking at it had me spinning into a panic attack.

I don't know about help available where you live. But previous poster has had a suggestion for you, hope that helps.

I wish you the very best. I have applied for some Masters degrees but I honestly think I am not in the right head-space at the moment. Think it best to get well first.

Good luck