[yogadoll]

Hi, I am new to this site

I was really just about to start writing an email to a friend of mine that has hurt me in the past few months. You could say we are going though a break up so to speak and it really hurts because just out of the blue she seemed to turn her back on me. But she did it in such a way that I wasn't really sure what was happening. I was confused because she was becoming overly nice yet at the same time becoming more and more distant.
We had been friends for about 7 years and I considered her one of my best friends. We used to be able to talk for hours whenever we went out for lunch or coffee. We always saw eye to eye and I found that when I felt misunderstood by so many people around me that she was the one who would get it because she was feeling the same way. We are both yoga instructors, which we both found challenging because the yoga community is filled with do gooder types who focus so much on the positive that they dismiss anything that is considered negative. This leads to alot of shaming and righteous attitudes which makes it challenging to be real with anyone and can lead to repressed feelings. It was refreshing to have my friend agreed with me and through that friendship it was easy to express stress we were both going through in order to heal it.

About 2 years ago I was in a car accident, two of my friends badly injured. I was left traumatized and with survivors guilt because I was not injured. I developed a fear of driving and have not driven since, Instead choosing to ride my bike. I am single and live alone on a farm. The decision to ride my bike has been a big one since it has made my life very difficult. I am also facing court dates due to insurance which of course has been a strain on me. For the first while my friend was there to support. Then about October of last year things started to slowly change as she started seeing her own therapist due to depression. She said she was struggling because she was married but didn't feel she had her own life and didn't know what her purpose was. She was feeling guilt for not doing anything with her life. My heart went out to her and I supported her as she was supporting me through my pain and challenges.

She was put on medication to treat depression, one to make her sleep, and one for ADHD. Her Psychiatrist told her to only do what she wanted for the next 3 months. She began going out more and more with out her husband, making new friends and trying many new activities. I supported this at first. happy that she was finding freedom. However she began to show lack of consideration for others feelings around her. She became apathetic to how her actions affected others. She seemed to become reckless with her behavior taking on more and more responsibilities and then not being able to come through with all of them. She started posting things on facebook daily about how awesome she was and posting picture after picture of herself in skimpy clothing and sexy yoga poses. She seemed to be getting more and more full of herself with every male compliment she received under these pictures. I noticed that the more attention she was getting , the less she was wanting to spend time with me. This really hurt because I felt cast aside, not longer needed or useful in her state of euphoria and popularity. Our friendship which she once called her lifeline was now a hindrance.

She was too caught up in her own joy to find time to help me through struggles when life was not so great for me. She would post things on facebook about how those who chose to feel pain were only ignorant of who they truly are and in essence idiots. On some level I think she feels she is now above pain and embracing who she truly is which is love. But I feel that to shut a friend out with such indifference and apathy is chilling and not love at all. She stopped calling to see how I was, found reasons to turn down my invitations for lunch or coffee, but yet smiles brightly at me when we are forced to pass each other in yoga class on the days we both teach. Normally I would find a smile comforting and inviting, but yet knowing that she has completely and emotionally shut herself off from me, I find the smile a painful jab that just makes me mourn the realness of a friend I no longer see behind those eyes.

I am definitely feeling grief. My heart is broken from the loss of a friend whom I had relied so deeply on. I feel shamed for having these struggles in my life and not being able to be bright and sunny the way she is so displaying herself right now. I feel confused with positivity because I am meeting more and more people these days who speak of positivity , joy, bliss, and oneness, but yet can be so cold and cut off from anything that is not their own happiness. It has sent me in to a place of despair as well as deep deep soul searching. Re evaluating people who have an extreme need for positivity. Reading books like "The dark side of the light chasers" by Debbie Ford. "Spiritual Bypassing" By Robert Augustus Masters. And also questioning the role of medication and how this has played a role in this unhealthy detachment I am faced with in my friendship.

I know this is a heart break that will make me stronger and more aware eventually. But right now I am feeling a bit shaken up from it and a bit low. So I am asking for support, advice, opinions and anyone willing to share similar stories.

Thank you .

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Yodadoll!

Two stories here - you and your friend.

Originally Posted by yogadoll

She would post things on facebook about how those who chose to feel pain were only ignorant of who they truly are and in essence idiots.

She certainly has gone through a transformation under the influence of a certain kind of therapy and meds. "Those who chose to feel pain" - Did she believe this earlier? (I am aware of philosophies that deny the objective reality of illness and pain, viewing them as delusions or distortions of reality).

In any event, I doubt any mental gymnastics will relieve you of the need to grieve a friendship that was. Your friend is not now in a position to assist you through these difficult days. Do you have other possible supports?

Please keep posting. Your pain and confusion are welcome here.

[Marla500]

hi yodadoll! I second Rohag, keep posting

[Sabra]

Good morning,

I am sorry you are so much pain. The positivity, speaking only positives, is great until your ***** falls off. And it does. I am sorry your friend is embracing the philosophy. IMHO, there is no way to be authentic when immersed in "life is only positive" craparama.

Real life is made up of both positive and negative experiences. I understand we can all try to be more positive, but not in the extreme. Extremes are always problematic. When latching onto positivity and then when something happens, you are isolated by that belief system. How can you honestly talk to someone when you are going to be met with, 'fingers in ears singing lalalal, I don't want to hear about your problems". I hope that makes sense.

I don't know if this could be a possiblity with your friend, but I'll mention it. There are times when an antidepressant can push people in a hypomanic state. When blending positivity with this, there is a problem

Keep posting and hopefully you will find the support you need.

Sabra

[yogadoll]

Thank you Rohaq

It is nice to get some feed back on a subject I am feeling quite alone on. Since I am in the Yoga community I almost feel as though it is taboo to talk about anything that is negative. It seems that any bad emotion is labeled a projection and then thrown back at the person who is hurt. This in turn is shaming and has made me feel as though this is all my fault in some way. The times I did open up and reach out for support I received responses such as this

" just let it go, its in the past"
" what bothers you about someone else is just a reflection of what you dont like about yourself"
" only you can end your own suffering"
" we are all love, so dont dwell on negativity"

Since then I have bottled these deep feelings of grief inside for the past few months for fear of being judged negative and dwelling.
Yet no healing has taken place. Instead I find I am getting resentful towards positivity pushers and even twitchy and triggered by new age one liners such as
" follow your bliss"
" change your thinking to change your life"
"manifest abundance"
"everything is an illusion"

I have begun rebelling against this superficial joy and instead dove deep in to volunteer work at the crisis center which revolves around suicidal callers. I am also involved in a homelessness committee that has me introduced to many people who who have suffered deep trauma and isolation for much of their life.
Although to some this may seem negative, I actually find it refreshing to be around people who are being real and are in touch with their pain and so called shadow. Their openness and vulnerability is humbling. ANd I feel I have learned much from this experience.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Yodadoll!

In any event, I doubt any mental gymnastics will relieve you of the need to grieve a friendship that was. Your friend is not now in a position to assist you through these difficult days. Do you have other possible supports?

Please keep posting. Your pain and confusion are welcome here.

So in answer to you. No, at this time I dont feel there are many people who are understanding of the complicated situation I am in. My friend Jaromey, whom I am hurt by, was the only real person that I told everything too.
Right now I am feeling confused at her quick change of heart.
I am feeling abandoned and rejected.
I am feeling envious at her ability to be so casually happy while I am struggling so deeply.
I am feeling shame for having these feelings when I am told that I need to just use positive thinking to wash them away.
And I am feeling vulnerable at the fact that the one person whom I had opened up so much to and knows all my secrets and fears, seems to have no care for me what so ever.

[yogadoll]

Originally Posted by Sabra

Good morning,

I don't know if this could be a possiblity with your friend, but I'll mention it. There are times when an antidepressant can push people in a hypomanic state. When blending positivity with this, there is a problem

Keep posting and hopefully you will find the support you need.

Sabra

Hi Sabra

Thank you for the response.

I am wondering if you could explain a bit more about the problem with antidepressants and positivity?
I am suspecting that they are most of the problem, because what I am seeing is very grandiose behavior in her. She just seems so untouched by anything and it is chilling. I would really like to believe that this is from the effect of the medication and not just who she really is once she is feeling better.
It is too painful to think that once she is feeling good about herself that she found me too troublesome with all of my challenges. Or worse, that I was one of the negative energy suckers that we hear about so often of in the self help books. You know, the people we are supposed to clean out of our life because they are stuck in their own misery and are a threat to our health and happiness.
How heart breaking to think I am possibly being viewed as such.

Anyways, any thoughts opinions or personal experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for the opportunity to express my fears and hurts. I had forgotten what a great release writing is for me. And getting feed back and support is already helping.

Thank you