What it feels like...

I don't know where this goes ... but figured here was as good as any. Please move if its better in another area.

I know this is more of a rant then anything else - but I need to get it out. I apologize profusely if I upset anyone. This is NOT about any of you. Trust me on this, you all are wonderful.

Don't laugh at me, don't call me names - Don't get your pleasure from my pain.

I was listening to that song when I figured it out ... and decided to write this...

Maybe, just maybe I've figured it out.

Why do I feel worthless? I thought we all had unconditional worth.

I thought I could deal with it.

I'm a minority.

I am criticized, ridiculed, pitied and made fun of.

Some days I just let it go, but it never, ever, goes away.

Every look, every assumption, every comment and every well-meaning act (and those which aren't) that is inflicted on me by others...

Kills me.

And yet I do nothing. I just accept it as it is. I try to change those around me, but I can't change the world.

If I can make even one person understand, then I've done a good job. Just a bit of understanding is all I ask for...

Please tell me someone understands me when I say this.

This is what it feels like to have a disability. Not all the time, but on those days when I already feel crappy -- stuff like this just makes it worse.

I used to wonder why I was depressed. Then it hit me, a lot of it is because of my "being" ingrained in the mould of being a person living with a disability.

And when I say this - this isn't me whining - its the truth. It bites, more often than not. You can't ignore your reality, and I can't ignore mine.

Sorry if I sounded whiny and whatnot - I might wind up deleting this later when I get too anxious about having posted this - but I hope this helps people to understand me a bit better.

(( canders))) do not delete this. I am sorry you feel so bad. Some things I can relate to but I am not disabled so I can't on that. I can imagine and I am sorry you feel so bad, no doubt in many ways I cannot ever know. WHAT you had to say like you HAS value

((((((((PasDeDeux)))))))))

Thank you - you don't have to have a disability to understand -- and I thank you for being able to understand even the slightest bit.

oh sweetie i hate that you feel this way.

remember i told you how beautiful you are - and you are smart.

value YOU. i know a lot of other people do.

xx

((((((dsf)))))))

Thank you... really.

Canders I hope you don't delete it. I agree with PasDeDeux, that what you said has value and although I hate to think of you feeling that way, I'm glad you shared it with us.
(((hugs)))

I love your personality, your goodness of heart, your strenght, your compassion, your creativity, your determination, your intelligent. I love YOU!

Told you before and I will tell you again: You are a sweetie! I'm so glad you have crossed my path.

((((((((((((Canders)))))))))

((((heartspace))))

Thank you very much

((((((time0))))))))

I'm so glad to have met you too

Christina .. you are such a light in my day ... and I love reading your posts. You have a wonderfully mature and responsible attitude, despite all that life has deallt you.

I really think you are amazing.

I loved this post, and all that shines through from you.

You have my support.

Always ... as much as I can offer.

Hugs
Sabrina

((((((Canders))))))))

((((Sabrina))))

Thank you - for your support, and for the smile I've got on my face right now

(((((Jax)))))) - As always, thank you

(((((Canders))))))
Thank you very much for sharing this. I'm sorry to hear that you are having such troubles. You've got my support, too!

(((Dezdemona))))

Thank you... Really!

My former best friend and I used to sing that song together alot! Now I sing it alone She finally admitted that the reason she stayed my friend is because she felt pity for me not having any friends.

Having a disability is not easy, not fun, and not conducive to good self esteem. We have to work on the last one! I am NOT my disability. Others will NOT understand what I go through, no matter what I show them, tell them, no matter what they think they know.

Just because others are ignorant, does not make me less disabled, nor more able to cope.

I am who I am. I have to look past my disability while all the time accomodating for it. Few able bodied ppl can do what we do, canders... forgive them for not being able to understand. Surround yourself with others who do.

(((((((((((Sky))))))))))

I don't know what to say in response. Except ... thanks?

...yeah and I still get terribly depressed too.

Hey Christina,
I know what its like to have a disabilty.(inside and out)
Ilook at ppl. walking and I'm jealouse of those ppl.
You find out who your real freinds are when you become
to be be in a w/c I wish You felt better. I hate that u feel like u differant then others cause u not me neither, You cheer Me up and salways have somthing kind to say ,Please stop being hard on yourself
pm me please I realy can relate to how You feel
Love Ya
Crista Tita ((((((((((Christina))))))))))

(((Crista))))

Thank you - thought you might a bit.

I used to feel really sorry for myself because of my disability. Now, I have come to accept it as a part of me. I have a 90 decibel hearing loss, so I wear a hearing aid. For the longest time, I would always wear my hair so that it would cover it. Now, I wear my hair short, and I show my aid off with a sense of pride that I never had before.

Sure, it plays a large role in my isolation and depression, but if someone said to me one day that they could give me perfect hearing, I probably wouldn't take it. I like my hearing the way it is. I like being able to turn off the rest of the world whenever it gets too loud. I like being able to sleep with no sound entering my ears.

I know that we sometimes treat you or other people with disabilities like a disability rather than a person with a disability. I try to catch myself when I do it. But, I don't know the person and so I am uncertain on how they want to be treated.
As for me, I can relate in a small way to what you have said. It reminded me of my last talk with T. She was talking about how a person can have a mental problem and not be the problem. I know this. But, my extreme tendency to label myself in a negative way makes me feel bad. I hope that you don't allow yourself to label yourself as disabled. I hope you see that you are a person with a disability rather than a disabled person. I tend to think we all have limitations in our lives only your's is visible. So, you get treated in a wrong way. This has nothing to do with you as a person. It says more about those of us who do it rather than you.
Please keep trying to help us understand how to relate better to people with disabilities. I suspect you are making a difference which someone else with a disability may benefit from some day.

(((((Hopefull)))))
Thanks! I will.

Canders... when I can forget I am disabled... that's a decent day.. but when the pain, or the INability comes to the forefront of my focus... then it's depressing for me. ON a good day (3 or 4 hours of decent pain levels etc) I can think and maybe even plan... and then, later that day or the next.. I realize I can't follow through with the plans at all... I "can't" that's the part about DIS abled I don't like.

I wear wrist splints nearly all the time... I WISH I could reply to ppl's assumption of "carpal tunnel?" with the same words... but... there's no way to tell them NO... but to say "um something like that" just doesn't seem enough.

((((Dezdemona)))))

((((Hopefull)))) - Thanks for weighing in with your opinion on things - it really is helpful

((((Sky))))) I am sorry - I wish I could emphasize, but I cannot. Take care

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
My former best friend and I used to sing that song together alot! Now I sing it alone She finally admitted that the reason she stayed my friend is because she felt pity for me not having any friends.




</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

From what I've learnt about you from reading your posts sky, I'd say that's your former friend's loss.

Canders you're sounding a little brighter. I sincerely hope you're feeling that way.

(((Canders/Sky)))

(((heartspace)))

Thank you - I am now.