[nessaea]

Sorry if this comes off like a rant - I'm just frustrated.

I am depressed, and have been for years. It comes and goes in terms of severity, but it is always there. While I've been depressed, I've done university classes, worked multiple jobs, been on the board for several non-profit and community organizations, and volunteered at many different places. However, when things get really bad, I just can't cope with any of that stuff, and sometimes need to take a break.

Right now, things are really bad, and I haven't been able to do a whole lot recently. My T really wanted me to let some of my friends in on what has been going on (since I tend to just hide it and not tell anyone) so I have opened up a little to 3 or 4 people. I have told them I am depressed, and have at times been suicidal, and am just trying hold on and make things better. The responses have generally been good, but the one comment that they all have made is:

"Oh, well, what do you do all day then?"

This question, as well-meaning and valid as it is, drives me up the wall. For someone who doesn't understand depression, it is hard to understand how much work it is to just get out of bed and get dressed, let alone actually *do* anything. I know it is especially hard when my friends look at me, because I am always doing a million things, and always very busy and very able to handle it, so they don't understand how now, all of a sudden, I can't. And, at least for me, not being able to do things makes me feel ashamed and worthless. So that question is just a reminder to me of how pathetic I feel about not being able to work or do school. It's really hard to not respond out of frustration and just say,

"Well, I spend all day trying NOT to kill myself, and, since I'm still here, I guess I've been doing a pretty great job of it so far, so just back off!"

I know I'm just overreacting, but those type of questions really bother me. Anyone else have questions that they are just tired of hearing from people when talking about depression? Or anyone have a good way to respond to these things?

[Leed]

I totally understand!!! I've had people say: Oh, I get like that too, but then I just go shopping and I feel so much better." HUH? Give me a freaking break! I'm not talking about just a slight case of the blues! I'm talking about the kind of depression that makes you want to blow you head off! What's the matter with people! Why can't they understand?

Don't people ever READ? Don't they see things in magazines about "famous" people's sons or daughters committing suicide because they were depressed? Usually these people will read about FAMOUS people! So why can't that be true of 'regular' people??? Can't WE be depressed like that too?

Why do they have to spout off stupid remarks like that -- such as "Oh why don't you just go out in the garden and get your hands dirty -- you'll feel so much better." GO SOAK YOUR HEAD!!!

Sorry for the rant, but I've had a LIFETIME of these stupid remarks. I'd like to PUMMEL some of these idiots. It's like telling someone with a broken leg to go take a walk! GRRRRRRRRR

[gracez]

Yeah, Nessea, it's really hard for others to understand. And understandably so! I also can't easily understand some things that other people go thru not having experienced it, but I do my best of course. So personally I try to give people the benefit of the doubt when they say things like that - they just don't know. But also, I don't much want to be around people who don't understand. I'm barely around people anyway, so it's almost a null issue. But it is one reason I am finding PsychCentral helpful - because everyone here automatically understands and has had the same or similar experience, and is sensitive to that.

Hugs, Grace

[ThisWayOut]

I think the difficult thing for most people to understand is the herculean effort it is just to wake up in the morning... when I'm in that place, the hardest thing is to be moving, even if it is just to make coffee... it sucks.

[shortandcute]

Oh, I totally hate that, when people say that!!!! People have said that to me, too, implying that the only reason I'm depressed is because I don't do anything all day. And I'm thinking, "no it's the other way around." I even had a psychiatrist tell me that if I just learned how to drive and get a job, I wouldn't be depressed.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by nessaea

Well, I spend all day trying NOT to kill myself, and, since I'm still here, I guess I've been doing a pretty great job of it so far...

Great reply!

Hi Nessaea: I don't have this problem because I'm still well hidden. Essentially no one except my pdoc & my wife know about my struggles & I haven't even shared it all with them. (My pdoc wouldn't really care anyway. He just prescribes med's.) I had a therapist. But I quit her recently. Most of what's going on with me I keep well hidden from everyone. It's like a pressure cooker inside of me most of the time, while, externally, I appear to be at least marginally functional. A couple of times, this has led to major suicide attempts. I have also been self-abusive.

[unaluna]

I usually answer, "I do absolutely nothing, and somehow it still takes me all day!"

[1Buster]

Nes - My answer is "YES!" Your post describes my days right now. Over the past several months, I've had a very sharp decline into Depression I didn't know had been there a long time (maybe Anxiety Disorder too- Thanks, docs, for making me figure that one out myself). I do things all day without getting much done. It sucks!

[Clara22]

Hi Nessaea,
Thank you for posting this. It was useful for me to read it. I feel the same. In addition to my depression, I use a wheelchair and recently I moved to a country that has very little accessibility. My days are full of obligations it is difficult to take time for myself, but, also, I fear each time I need to start the process of finding a good doctor because of all the issues with transport, etc ( I mean, i need to visit a couple of them till I find one I like). I have very little energy, sometimes I would do nothing if I could. In fact, I have been a full day in be a couple of times, lastly. So, a couple of friends (whom I told I need to find a psychiatrist) first thing they ask is "have you gone to a psychiatrist"? I just want to respond: "Please, leave me alone".

[nessaea]

Thanks for the replies! I'm so sorry to hear there are so many other people struggling with this, but it is kind of nice to know we are not alone!

@Leed - I'm totally going to tell people to go soak their head now! That's awesome!!!

@gracez - I know they are only trying to help, which is why I never get angry at someone when they ask that. If you've never gone through it, you don't know how frustrating and difficult those kinds of questions are, so I definitely don't ever hold that against someone. Sometimes, though, it still gets to you, even if you know they mean well.

@shortandcute - It's funny how some people get the cause and effect mixed up eh? For non-depressed people, if they stay home all day and don't do anything, they can get depressed. But for people who have depression, we WANT to do things, and just can't! It's really hard! I'm sorry your doctor said that to you - that's pretty insensitive. *hugs*(Oh, and awesome name, by the way!!)

@Bedobones - I'm sorry that you don't have anyone to talk to, and that it causes so much stress inside you. Is your wife supportive at all? Do you think there might be one friend you could tell, just someone you don't have to hide with? Or maybe try to find another therapist?

@hankster - That's a great response!!

@1Buster and @Clara22 - I'm sorry you are both feeling like this too. I hope things start to get better soon! *hugs from someone who understands*

[happy 2 b here]

Originally Posted by nessaea

Sorry if this comes off like a rant - I'm just frustrated.

I am depressed, and have been for years. It comes and goes in terms of severity, but it is always there. While I've been depressed, I've done university classes, worked multiple jobs, been on the board for several non-profit and community organizations, and volunteered at many different places. However, when things get really bad, I just can't cope with any of that stuff, and sometimes need to take a break.

Right now, things are really bad, and I haven't been able to do a whole lot recently. My T really wanted me to let some of my friends in on what has been going on (since I tend to just hide it and not tell anyone) so I have opened up a little to 3 or 4 people. I have told them I am depressed, and have at times been suicidal, and am just trying hold on and make things better. The responses have generally been good, but the one comment that they all have made is:

"Oh, well, what do you do all day then?"

This question, as well-meaning and valid as it is, drives me up the wall. For someone who doesn't understand depression, it is hard to understand how much work it is to just get out of bed and get dressed, let alone actually *do* anything. I know it is especially hard when my friends look at me, because I am always doing a million things, and always very busy and very able to handle it, so they don't understand how now, all of a sudden, I can't. And, at least for me, not being able to do things makes me feel ashamed and worthless. So that question is just a reminder to me of how pathetic I feel about not being able to work or do school. It's really hard to not respond out of frustration and just say,

"Well, I spend all day trying NOT to kill myself, and, since I'm still here, I guess I've been doing a pretty great job of it so far, so just back off!"

I know I'm just overreacting, but those type of questions really bother me. Anyone else have questions that they are just tired of hearing from people when talking about depression? Or anyone have a good way to respond to these things?

Hi

You have phrased this so well -- I, too, can spend all day just trying to stay on a "normal keel". Some days, it is very hard to function at all, and I can sit for hours in my chair and literally do nothing -- I don't like that I have no energy or will to get moving, but these are all symptoms of depression. As I get older, I am more able to tell people what I deal with on a daily basis -- as I said, no energy. I do keep as active as my body and mind will let me, but it is not easy.

This mental health disability is very tiring, and some days just trying to cope with it can be exhausting -- never mind trying to get things done. And, some people don't know that I live with depression, and, so I am still making a conscious effort to keep it from showing -- it is not always easy!

[Fuzzybear]

[ajonesiii]

thanks for posting this I feel the same way all the time just getting out of bed is an accomplishment for me right now I make myself get up to work, I work at home after I do my shift on the phones I get right back in bed I am working a split shift 8-12 then 6-10 so I lay in bed from the time my first shift ends till my next shift starts, I have been trying to make myself go outside in the backyard for 30 minutes of sunlight everyday but its hard to force myself most days. my family tries to suggest things to do but they don't understand its like pulling teeth to get me to "want" to go anywhere or do anything.

[adam_k]

I think a lot of people feel down sometimes and try to equate that with deprssion. Depression is a contant feeling of down, fatigue, difficulty thinking and all the other stuff that comes with it. I don't think most people know what it is like to feel so bad you weigh out the pros and cons of taking your life. Sometimes it is a battle for me to keep it all together.

[BeautyInChaos23]

This is so true. I hate when people just don't understand that little things can begin to look overwhelming. My depression is somewhat mild/moderate and I can usually get myself up, but certain activities seem overwhelming, like writing a paper or going to my internship. My biggest thing is I wake up with a huge sense of dread. Not on days that I have big plans or anything, just everyday. Waking up with that feeling really throws my whole day off. Going to class or my internship can seem overwhelming because I have to feel that dread... Although I understand that it is important for us to still go out and "do" things, sometimes I have almost found it more effective to take a day for myself. One day I was really struggling... and days like that if I'm around a lot of people and have a lot of responsibilities the negative self-talk becomes too much. That little voice in my head will tear me down, saying "you're so irresponsible, you're so awkward, you look fat like that, etc." One day I skipped my classes, cleaned, bought some groceries, and just relaxed. I felt ten times better the next day. I think with depression it is important to sometimes just get away when we know that it's going to be a bad day. Obviously, we need to be careful with this because isolation can exacerbate the symptoms. But every once in a while I think we need to give ourselves a break =)

[yaseko]

"What do you do all day?" is one question I can never really answer. I suppose the answer would be that I do a very heavy brand of "nothing". I sit in a numb daze.