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Old May 14, 2013, 04:26 AM
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Sam2 Sam2 is offline
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I'm writing this hoping to diffuse my mind. At this moment, I feel closer to suicide than I have in years. I was watching T.V. and during a commercial, the music on the commercial was a song that I had not heard nor thought of for years. Music is an extremely powerful trigger for me, and can take light depression to suicidal depression in seconds.

Usually, if music has caused a problem, it was my own fault for turning on the radio. This one caught me off guard. Once the tune, or part of a tune gets in, I lose control and go directly to online sites that play the music for free. I've already listened to the whole thing six times in a row. I don't want to hear it, but feel powerless to stop. As I write this, I hear it inside my mind as clearly as if it were playing. Its not a sad song, in fact it is supposed to be an upbeat song. Its not the words, its the melody and the way the sound the instruments combine.

Since I have made an important promise to someone never to attempt suicide again, it would suprise me if I did, but getting blindsided by that tune is going to cause problems for weeks.

Sam2
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  #2  
Old May 14, 2013, 06:26 AM
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winter4me winter4me is offline
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Hang in there. Careful for the triggers. Can certain music have a positive effect? (meaning, I guess, can you change channels/emotional response) Music can be a serious trigger for me also and I will get hung up on it---it can also help if I choose well.
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Old May 14, 2013, 10:18 AM
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Sam2 Sam2 is offline
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Music is a trap for me. I have always liked music, but starting in my early teens, any music I like is potentially dangerous. It may be because most of my life has been immersed in depression, suicide attempts and the like and the songs just bring all that back. They aren't songs that you would think of as triggers. No heavy metal, angry music. More light rock or progressive rock, though some classical can do the same thing.

I no longer turn the radio on in my car when I am driving. All it takes is one song and the trouble starts. The last time I turned it on, I wound up driving for several hours, getting lost and trying to keep myself from purposely running my car into a tree. This last song from the commercial was Island in the Sun by Wheezer, which came out in 2001. There is nothing negative about the song. Its not the words, its the sound. In the past, hearing a song has not only caused a cross in the line between depression and suicidal feelings, but triggered more than one attempt. The effect is immediate and unbelievably powerful.

Music in itself is a wonderful thing. It has the power the power to bring hope, make people happy and express feelings. Why it is so dark for me isn't something I'm able to pinpoint, but knowing what it does, keeps me from playing it. The whole issue is odd, because its only the songs that I like that cause the problems. If I don't like a song, i wouldn't listen to it anyway. In highschool, I played in the orchestra, and can remember peices that made my hair stand on end.

I'm glad you are able to choose songs that don't hurt you. Music is a gift, whether its the person playing it, or the one listening to a song they enjoy. Overall, I think it rates up there with smells as triggering memories of powerful feelings connected to events we don't even remember.

Sam2
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Old May 14, 2013, 10:58 AM
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I'm sorry that happened... must make day-to-day difficult if you are trying to avoid music that is triggering but always present... I wonder if the music just allows you to feel, and your head jumps to negative emotions? Are you able to express the emotions in other ways?
Music has changed over time for me (and continues to change). If I am down and listen to certain music, it brings me up... but on some occasions, that same music can bring me down hard and fast, and other times it does nothing... Is there a way you can consciously change the thought patterns when listening to the song? Does recognizing the pattern and maybe talking back to it help? Something along the lines of "This is just a song. I don't have to express my feelings in this way..."? I dunno... something to stop the cycle? Does talking to someone about it help? Would writing to someone about it help? I know for myself, it helps to write to my T and tell him my line of thinking... it generally pulls me out of it knowing that someone in real life now knows and will hold me accountable for it. ((hugs))
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Old May 18, 2013, 07:25 AM
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You are right about the power of music.
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Old May 18, 2013, 09:32 AM
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Sam2 Sam2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MdngtRain View Post
I'm sorry that happened... must make day-to-day difficult if you are trying to avoid music that is triggering but always present... I wonder if the music just allows you to feel, and your head jumps to negative emotions? Are you able to express the emotions in other ways?
Music has changed over time for me (and continues to change). If I am down and listen to certain music, it brings me up... but on some occasions, that same music can bring me down hard and fast, and other times it does nothing... Is there a way you can consciously change the thought patterns when listening to the song? Does recognizing the pattern and maybe talking back to it help? Something along the lines of "This is just a song. I don't have to express my feelings in this way..."? I dunno... something to stop the cycle? Does talking to someone about it help? Would writing to someone about it help? I know for myself, it helps to write to my T and tell him my line of thinking... it generally pulls me out of it knowing that someone in real life now knows and will hold me accountable for it. ((hugs))
It is an ongoing battle. Choosing doesn't really help, because all the songs I like do the same thing. At least half of them are not sad. Its more the melody that does it. Even if the words were not there, the music would still cause the same reaction. I have a very close friend who knows that this happens, and she makes sure she turns the radio off in the car when she gets home if she has been driving without me. I do talk to her about it and the reaction it causes.

For me, its like flipping a switch. I can be having a good day and be walking through a store and the overhead PA system plays one of the songs. Immediately, my mind jumps to thoughts of suicide and it can be days before I recover from it. Because of this, I opt not to listen to music. I don't turn the car radio on or listen to it at home. At least not unless I've been hit by it already. If a song comes on and flips that switch, I'll find it on line and can't seem to stop myself from listening again and again. The last one I've probably already listened to for three or four hours total since i heard it accidently.

Your point about misinterpreting an emotion is a good one. I've thought about that in the past, wondering if it was just causing an emotional response that I then either interpret at bad or tag it with a bad memory. As far as I can tell, the answer is no. More often than not, I don't get a clear picture of a memory attached to it, and the last song came out during a fairly good point in my life. Having had experience with suicide attempts and the feeling of wanting pain to end as opposed of actually wanting to die, the music actually makes me want to die. Its frighteningly powerful and fast. Since i have set "roadblocks" in place to keep me from attempting suicide, I don't think that would happen, but it is still powerfu enough to scare me. If it happens in the car, i wind up driving for hours, getting lost and disoriented. I've never had an accident, and generally I tend to stick to country roads, but keeping the radio off is a strick rule I try to enforce upon myself.

Sam2
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