[shelterdog71]

Hi everyone,

My mother beat nasopharyngeal cancer 6 years ago and was doing great… the cancer was gone and she felt wonderful. However 2 years ago she woke up one day almost completely disabled and not one doctor can give her a reason why. She’s dizzy, nauseated, and can’t take a few steps without falling. She’s had every system in her body tested and the doctors are stumped… they are blaming it on side effects of the radiation done to her brain and say they can’t fix her.

Since this happened she has lost all her independence. She’s only 65 and feels/acts like she’s 90. She can no longer drive and can’t take a shower unless someone is home. She’s dizzy and sick all the time and will vomit for no reason. She has terrible memory loss and constant confusion. She is starting to lose bladder and bowel control. She’s fallen several times and we had to call paramedics to get her up. The list of problems just goes on and on. Obviously she is extremely depressed and feels like a burden. This is causing her to be mean and nasty to everyone (especially those closest to her like me and my dad) and she is slowly alienating all her friends and family. Nobody wants to call or visit anymore because of her attitude and everyone feels terribly guilty about it. She sits in front of the tv all day and watches old reruns of shows from the 60’s and has nothing to talk about when people DO come over or call. She also refuses to go to counseling or get a nurse/caretaker to come over. Nothing satisfies her or makes her happy. If you give her A she wants B. If you give her B she wants A. Doesn’t matter what it is.

I’m 42 and have no siblings or other family to help me. My dad is struggling to keep his sanity because he has to do almost everything for her and she screams at him 24/7 for every little thing. We are at a loss of what to do and are not handling this very well. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life but this is really one of the worst things I’ve ever dealt with. My mom used to be this hilarious fun-loving person that had tons of friends and everyone enjoyed being around, and now nobody even wants to call her. My dad told me at one point he wanted to just get in the car and leave forever but he just couldn’t do it. I cry almost every day because of this. I hate to see my parents so unhappy especially since they have always been so wonderful to me.

I had a severe foot injury a few years ago and was in horrible pain for months. I was extremely nasty and crabby to everyone because of it, so I somewhat understand what my mom is going through. Being sick and miserable is NOT a good quality of life. I however, had my problem fixed with surgery. There is no fix in sight for her problem and that’s what’s bothering her.

Thanks for listening.

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry you're going thru all this. I wish I had some good advice for you. Lots of hugs to you.

[Little Lulu]

My only thought about what is going on with your mom is it sounds like demenita of some sort is at least part of the issue.

That said, it was a relief when I learned in my adult years that it is not up to me to fix any of my family members ... only to love them. When they are difficult to deal with, I can love them in prayer while taking care of myself (this may mean keeping some distance and I've finally accepted that this is OK) Sounds like your dad needs prayers, too.

If your mother has not been examined by a neurosurgeon, please think about having
one see her. If the problem is her brain, a neurosurgeon can pin point it for you and
let you know if a psychiatrist might be able to sedate her so that she may live with
her husband and daughter's help.

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family, and prayers are going up for you that
you will be given effective answers to relieve your mother's dilemma.

[shelterdog71]

Well she's been tested for everything and it's NOT dementia or Alzheimers. And we live in Chicago where there are world class hospitals and doctors... She's seen every specialist, including neurologists, and have them all scratching their heads. She's so disgusted because nobody can give her an answer as to why one day she woke up like this. It wasn't a stroke or anything like that either.

Oh also forgot she lost hearing in one ear and can barely hear anyone, so when I talk I have to yell, then she gets mad at me for yelling at her. Sigh...

It just seems like there is no hope in sight. Again, thanks for listening.

[Little Lulu]

Perhaps you can hold on to hope that the diagnosis will become clear, all the while being sure her doctors are treating the symptoms, including the mood/behavior issues. And I hope you are taking care of yourself - caring for aging/ill parents can be a long, exhausting road.

My father-in-law died from dementia (I realize this is not what your mother has) and it was a harrowing year for my husband and me. We, too, watched an intelligent, funny man quickly change into someone we barely recognized. I had to keep gently reminding my husband not to expect rational behavior from a person who was not and never again would be able to be rational. It was easier for me to see that since it he was not my father. Ask for help if you need it ... most people love to be helpful at times like this.

[Rose76]

Hi, shelterdog. Mainly, I just want to express support for you. As I know first hand, being a caregiver becomes draining. Your mother not wanting to have some sort of professional home care puts everything on your father and you. Maybe, eventually, your mom will listen to reason and accept some help in the home. It would be better for her to develop relationships with some other caregivers before she further deteriorates.

It is a very unhappy situation, I'm sure.