[Christina86]

Teeter-tottering on the edge - I can feel it. Just give me a push - and I'll fall off.

I know I'm complaining about nothing once again - but dammit I hurt. People trying to help me in real life, too many people leaving me and nobody there. Try to tell people about me and get choked up and can't speak and lie through my teeth.

Sick of school, sick of my family, sick of my same old boring bloody life day in and day out.

And yet... and yet...

I do nothing.

I was told today to consider the fact that I don't want to get better, that I don't want to change and that I found it easier to be miserable than to try to change and be happy.

And you want to know something? That stopped me. Cold. Dead in my tracks. Because it hurt. Because just maybe its true.

Maybe I'm broken beyond repair - maybe my only enemy is myself maybe I make mountains out of molehills and maybe I dont have anything to overcome, nothing to get over and maybe I don't have to change.

Maybe this is as good as it gets.

I remember being happy. When I look back though - all I see is someone pretending to be happy - that would cry at the drop of a hat - who would bottle all her emotions because I couldn't ever show them because my family wouldn't understand and nobody could help me.

I've never been worth it. I can help others all the time, day after day until the end of days and it will do squat in helping me. It makes me happy - but its temporary. Who's to say I'm not just doing it because I feel the need to anymore, and not because I want to? No, I need to clarify - I like to help but I don't even know if I'm being more a help or a hinderance anymore. How can I help when I can't help myself?

I can't stand myself - and people leaving just seems to say that nobody else can stand me either. Which makes me a selfish spoiled brat because people have their own lives.

I think sometimes I might just be living to help others - because you all are worth it. And I don't feel I am.

I heard the most interesting comment from two friends of mine - who heard it coming from the mouth of another. This person claimed that I was "cursed" with my disability because I had sinned. What a load of crock - but it seemed that the more people who found out about it that I was less bothered than them. I spent all of today trying to convince them to not do anything or say anything on my behalf to this girl. (I spent more time defending her and saying I deserved those comments and that she was just being ignorant than admitting - hey, they're right something does need to be done). I am perfectly willing to let sleeping dogs lie. Yeah, it hurt like *bleep* but what am I to do? You know how many insensitive comments I deal with on a weekly or monthly basis? Or how about everything else that is negative in nature? I am not talking about those who try to help - those people are wonderful. Its everyone else who subjects me to that sort of stuff that really bothers me.

I am so ticked at the world right now ... but thats nothing new. I could blame it all on myself - every single thing wrong in my life and in the lives of those I care about around me - but we all know that would be taking it a bit far.

I wish I could have a do-over. I wish I knew what I was suppposed to do. I wish I knew how I am supposed to be, how I'm supposed to think, how I'm supposed to portray myself.

I don't know who I am - nothing new really.

I don't know what I'm doing with myself and I don't know how much worse I can possibly get before I fall off the deep end.

All I wonder is this ... why would anyone try to save me from myself?

It ain't worth it. I'm not.

PS. Sorry for it being so long - I tried to stop but it kept coming out.

[Christina86]

I can't stop myself right now ... I feel the need to continue - that could be because it is almost 4am, I went to bed at 3am yesterday and only got about 5 hours of sleep or it could be because this is the only thing stopping me from thinking things I shouldn't be.

It hurts being me because I'm the only person who is supposed to have power over me and when people treat me in a certain way and I react ... then it becomes my fault and my problem. Which completely screws with my head.

You know whats amusing? I used to attend a Women's Issues group. It was run by my first counsellor - and she was wonderful. First few times in group we talked about random things and then focussed on one thing. Self-esteem.

Or my lack thereof.

I've felt like a burden my entire life - I know distortions and whatnot are causing a lot of my problems - but I honestly feel like a good chunk of the reason why my parents are divorced and still hate each other after about 12 years and why my mother never really seems happy and truth be told neither does my father even though I don't see him an awful lot (like I'm going out to my cousin's wedding for three days in October - it will be my first time seeing my dad - let alone the rest of that family in over 20 months). I feel like such a failiure as a daughter and I know my family would never actually tell me that to my face (they are very good with the emotional hints though - the verbal abusive ones hurt too much so they're saved for only certain occassions when I really **** up) but I know I've let them down.

I was born flawed - not just physically, but emotionally estranged (and different) from my family and cognitively not as equipped to deal with certain things. Christina - the atypical human being.

My sisters are brilliant - and I'm proud of them but I (secretly) wish that they'd fail at something, anything at all just so they could realize that they aint perfect. They need to learn it -- my only disadvantage is that I learned the lesson from day one.

My extended family doesn't know what to do with me - they can't be mad at me for living, they can't pity me and they still can't try to convince my mother to not have me because she made that decision some 20 years ago. They can't ridicule me for trying, and yet they don't see the point in encouraging me - who would encourage a girl with a disability who's doomed to be a failiure and be a nobody?

You could say I have a lot of unresolved issues on the front of my dealing with my disability.

How do you deal with something that is a fact of life, never ever going to change and that you have no control over? How do you even begin to come to terms with something when you don't know the other side of the fence? How can you be taught by those who haven't gone anywhere remotely near where you've gone to love yourself for who you are?

I don't love me. And I advise nobody to do it either. I'll just let you down. Push you away, hurt your feelings, lie through my teeth and avoid you like you've got the plague.

Easier that way. Easier to not hurt anyone else, to not get hurt further myself by people. I know you all here are wonderful and nice but you're all a special group that I will never find in person.

Whats the point anymore?

Now that I've started with some good old-fashioned self-pitying -- please ignore the following below...

[Bethsway]

Oh Chanders...you are not a burden in life at all...you have helped many people on here...I have seen your kind words to those in need...I wish there were some magic words I could give to you to help your hurt now...You are truly a needed person in this world...caring, loving, intelligent...please remember that!

[Fuzzybear]

You aren't broken beyond repair, no one is... especially someone as sensitive and intelligent as you are.. Change is hard and scary though.....
I understand I haven't experienced all that you have and I certainly can't tell you to love yourself for who you are (that has to come from within and it can take a very long time for anyone).... heck to be honest I don't even love myself (((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))

with respect,
Fuzzy

[Christina86]

((((((Bethsway))))))

Thank you - I really shouldn't have been writing anything that early in the AM but too late now.

Am going to attempt to try to remember all those nice things you said... thanks.

[Christina86]

((((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))

Sorry if I came off sounded like a meanie - Thank you dear Fuzzybear.



ps. I might not be able to say I love me, and you might not be able to say you love you -- but heck I do love ya!!

[jacq10]

Canders ... I truly wish that i could do or say something that would take away your pain. However .. I am not sure that there is anything that anyone can even say. But just know that you ARE worth it. You are NOT a burden. And you are NOT a failure. I haven't been on pc for very long, but i can tell who the people are that are truly respected on here. You no joke were the first person that i thought that of. You are the first person to welcome someone new here, or to even just say hi to someone on chat. You are the first person to ask someone if they are okay, or if they need to talk about something. You are just so thoughtful and giving ... you just need to believe that about yourself. And I know that you are questioning your intentions about helping people, but imo, it takes a really strong person to offer advice and strength to someone that is in need, when they themselves are struggling.

And I don't know much about disabilities... but i do know that you're view on the word depends on how much love you have for yourself. How much you respect yourself. When you fail to love yourself you are denying your own sense of who you are, who you are behind all of this emotional and physical baggage. Right now, you need to take care of YOU.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. It is how you arrange your mind. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change." - Dy. Wayne Dyer.

I hope that you are feeling a little better today, and you are in my thoughts.

Jacqueline

[Christina86]

((((((((Jacqueline))))))))

Thank you wouldn't even cut it. Am a tad flabergasted (lol) -- you sound like my friend when you said </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But just know that you ARE worth it. You are NOT a burden. And you are NOT a failure.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> So thanks for that -- and I would never have thought of any of that about Chat lol - I'm just trying to ensure people feel accepted here.

I suppose I have to work on the happiness thing and the loving myself too -- boy that sounds like a lot of work!!!