Depressed about best friend ignoring me for 3 weeks after our first fight, help!

Hi everyone, I'm reposting this as I think that I posted this up in the wrong forum. Perhaps some of you remember me from my last posting a couple of weeks ago about if it's OK or not to tell people about your issues. My last post of today was posted in the relationships forum. It got 28 reviews so far but NO responses. From now on, where can I post about friend problems? Please, someone help me! I've been so depressed about this situation that I've been binge drinking and really upset!

Angie

Hi everyone, I'm fairly new to this thread. I joined about a month ago. About me, I'm 41 & my bff of a little of over a year is a few years younger than me. We've never had any real fights until last month. I sent her a PM on Face Book at the end of last month telling her about some things that have bothering me about our friendship. It was a little harsh although two friends that I shared what I said with didn't seem to think so. They thought that I was being honest.

I held back some things that needed to be said for a long time for fear of loosing her as a friend. I suffer from depression and anxiety and she was aware of that almost from the get go. Well, lately my life has been better but hers is a mess right now since she's going through her second divorce and is having problems with her ex finance who she claims is her "soul mate". She is also out of work and her uncle had a heart attack a few weeks ago but seems to be doing fine now.

So my complaints came at the worst time. Stupid, I know. The last time that we hung out, things were fine. I just got upset at how she kept on going on and on about her various problems after I got back from a great trip. She didn't even ask me about it much. She did listen to me when I told her about it. I even got her some gifts! Anyways, it all started when I called her and she didn't pick up the phone as usual. She let it go to v.m. I left a message and told her that I really needed to talk to her about another friend that I was very worried about. She didn't call or email me back so I called her again the next day. She did email me back and told me that perhaps this friend didn't want to hang out with me or call me that often as I'd like nicely.

Awhile back she told me in an email that she didn't want to hear about my problems anymore which was unfair I told her as I listen to hers so I expect the same in return. A lot of things started to annoy me such as the fact that she'd often go for over a month w/o calling or emailing me when she was busy with work or a guy. She also used to keep on pushing me to buy some stuff of hers and I'd always say no. She'd never take no for an answer which annoyed me. She finally stopped bugging me a couple of months ago.

So my message to her was one of annoyance but I was not overly harsh in it. Her response to me was a bit mean. She told me that I was probably "smothering" this other friend who she didn't know and that was why she was probably ignoring me. Well, this other friend eventually did call me back and we did end up hanging out. She was just really busy. This so called best friend then told me that I get mad when she doesn't pick up the phone at the drop of a hat. Not true as I have rarely called her since she kept on ignoring almost all my calls after I once nicely but firmly told her to not call me when she's on the phone with other people.

Since then she has let most of my calls go to v.m. For the record, I'm not as clingy as she described. I rarely call anyone more than twice in a day. I never text anyone back w/o hearing a response first. I often forget to respond to texts at times! I mostly keep in touch with people via email and I don't flood their inboxes with emails. The only time that I'll send anyone an email for than once is if I don't think that they got my email the first time and that doesn't happen often!

She also then told me that if I'm that "insecure", that I should see a therapist as she can't handle the stress. She then told me to not call her. So I wrote her back and was a bit defensive, but not rude. I apologized and heard NOHTING back from her! So I wrote her the nicest apology in an email ever and told her that I care about her and how some silly misunderstanding shouldn't end a friendship.

Again, she ignored me. She still kept me as her FB friend. However, she posted up something weird on her wall about how this other "friend" sent her a link to a song and in that post that had NO likes on it said something like, you are the greatest thing that happened at work, we're strong, stable women who can deal with all the crap and stress since we're cool like that. I don't know if that was a jab at me or not. Also, I think that the "friend" might've just been her as she does strike me as being a bit passive-aggressive.

I think that perhaps she is punishing me for being honest. She took what I said the wrong way. Plus, the timing was bad and I did apologize for that and ask her about how she's doing now. I have a bad feeling that she is playing games with me as she is very aware of the fact that I'm a big worrier. I've always been a good friend to her and she has usually been a good friend to me until now.

My other friends told me to let her cool off and wait for her to respond back to me otherwise I'll seem too desperate for her friendship. Is this weird? In the past we'd hang out once a week, or once every two weeks. And lately it's just been once a month. One time she did tell me that if she didn't want to be friends with anyone anymore, she'd do the slow fade, but not with me. I doubt that now. She is overly guy crazy and desperate to get married and have kids. This guy that she is with now spends 3-4 hours talking to her on the phone!

I have given her space, and sent two emails, what should I do now? Is she playing games or could she just be too overwhelmed now? One last thing, she has a bipolar mother who is not on meds. She doesn't seem to understand much about mental healthy issues and just thinks that her mom is crazy. Her mom does seem a little out there from what I heard. I told her that depression isn't like being bipolar and that I'm on meds. She seemed to understand that but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps she now thinks I'm "crazy" Please help!

Angie

It is not easy when one party of couple has some perceived advantage over the other. And the idea of fairness to the other by the other seems too complicated.

I would minimize social media contact or monitoring and try to ride out the storm. Keeping posting your thoughts here.

Just post them in the appropriate forums or drop a few private messages to other members who you think might offer you feedback.

For whatever reason this 'friend' does not seem as invested in the relationship as you are. Why, why now, who knows? Maybe something is going on that you don't know about. I would try to keep it casual and be open to getting together when it works for both of you but this deal of her saying you shouldn't talk about your problems is worrisome. I don't think she is deserving of being your 'best' friend.

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I think that I know what you mean by that, but I don't completely understand what you said. Could you please elaborate more?

I haven't spoken to her after my last email to her. I just ignore her on FB now and she ignores me. She hasn't made anymore cryptic posts since I asked her directly about what she posted. I didn't play games back. Instead I asked her if she got a new job in my last email to her. I'm still waiting to hear back from her.

If she continues to ignore me for more than a month, I'll just assume that the friendship is over with. We've never gone longer than a month w/o talking or hanging out with each other. Hopefully she'll come around soon.

Angie

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Sadly, you're probably right- She seems to be obsessed with the guys in her life and it seems as if her friends come last as her other "best friend" since h.s has complained to her about not spending enough time with her. She has complained about this other "best friend" to me about how she just doesn't get the fact that she's too busy to hang out with her.

Also, I always found it to be odd to how she'd not tell this other "best friend" about her decision to move away once with her ex boy friend at the time since she'd just end up crying about it. I was like, well, isn't she going to find out sooner or later if you move out of the state anyways? WTH?

You're right, she isn't really best friend material as what kind of person tells someone else that they no longer want to hear about your problems, yet has no problem going on and on about theirs? I told her in my last email that it's not fair that she expects me to listen to her problems and yet I can't talk about mine. I made it clear that I expect equality in a friendship.

Angie

A case of too many eggs in one basket, in my view. She hasn't treated you fairly as a
friend, I think, and you need to have friends (and many of them) who will support and
help you as you would support and help them. I would stop investing time in a losing
situation and seek my friendships among healthier people. That's really all you need is
just to be around healthy people.

This person seems to me to be pretty unstable. That would mean that having relationships would be difficult for her and for the people she associated with. You can either accept her as she is and let the negative things slide or if being in a relationship with her is too hurtful it may be time to let it go.
I am glad you have other friends. Try to enjoy their friendship.

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You're right, she hasn't been treating me fairly lately. She used to when she first knew me. I might just need to let go like you said. Is there anyway to know when someone is unstable if it's not obvious when you first meet them?

I have been hurt too many times by people who don't seem to care about me. I've always thought it was me, but now I know it's not always my fault when people reject me. I still have two good friends that are older and more mature. They don't play games and I appreciate that. I don't think that I can say the same about my so called best friend.

I talked to one of my friends yesterday and she told me to email her once again and to keep my tone light as she probably doesn't want to deal with any more problems. She told me to just ask her how she's doing and to not bring up anything stressful. Should I take that advice and give her one last chance or not?

Angie

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Yeah, I think that she might be unstable. Either that or she just wants friends who are very low maintenance. She seems to care much more about having a guy in her life then anything else. The latest loser that she's with does most of the talking on the phone and he promised to help pay for the phone bill which came out to $400!

He then changed his mind and told her that he'll only pay for half since he's not working. Well, neither is she! She was pissed about that but she is still trying to get him to marry her and move in with her. OMG, she's delusional if she thinks this guy is her "soul mate"!!! If she does come around, I'll just have to accept the fact that she is obsessed with being "in love" and that having a guy in her life will always be her priority above everything else-

About playing games: Games are engaged in by ineffective people; they are destructive to people who engage in them.

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I don't know if she is playing games or not. I hope not. I'm not playing games at all. I was honest and direct with her. A good friend told me to just give her some space and then in a few weeks to send her a short and sweet email asking her how she's doing and to keep it light.

She told me that she has too much on her plate now and that she doesn't seem to be willing or able to deal with any sort of confrontation right now. I'll take her advice and hopefully my friend will come around when she can see that I'm not going to ask for any explanation or whatever that'll just end up stressing her out more. I wish that she could be more direct like I am, but that's just not the way that she is I guess-

maybe she is playing games but as far as talking to her current love for 3-4 hrs. I can remember talking to my current husband for 3-4 hr when we were first in love. and i probanbly did ignore some friends but 16 years later we are happily marrried.

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Honestly, I wouldn't put that past her. She once tried to get me to make an ex boyfriend jealous by saying something about how a lot of hot guys were checking her out at the mall on face book. I refused to do it telling her that it was stupid and immature to do so and that if she was having issues with him, that she should talk to him directly. She seemed to respect my decision back then.

Anyways, she likes using the word "chase" even in the context of friendship. Her last advice to me was to not "chase" this other friend too much. She reminded me that it's the same way with guys as it is with friends. I disagree. Anyways, I still haven't heard back from her since 4/29 or 4/30. Ugh! One good friend of mine told me to email or call her one more time and to keep things short and sweet. She told me to just say hey, I miss you and we should get together sometime. I think that she wants me to "chase" her and that she enjoys punishing me for having said a few things that she didn't like, ugh!

As for my other friend, she told me to not mention anything that would stress her out as that might make her want to avoid me more. I think that she's right and I guess that I'll just have to accept the fact that my so called bff is a little immature and not as direct as I am it seems like. I'm sure that when the "honeymoon" phase is over with, which it will be in a year judging by past relationships, then things will be back to normal with her *****ing to me about her latest guy drama all over again!

Anyways, thanks for your reply and enjoy the rest of your Memorial Day weekend.

Angie

OK I'll rephrase it.

It is difficult when you valued relationship than the other person who did not put the same energy into it.

Avoid unnecessary social media viewing or other. If person does not respond, diminish email contact.

You have posted to the forums that match the topic. As long as you respond to the post in this thread and the other thread, you may get more feedback from other members.

I understand your loss, I have had to go through it many times in the past. Hope u r ok.

Angie,
I am sorry you are going through this right now. She's recently divorced, a second time and trying to get a third husband, and she's in her 30's?

She won't listen to you. Doesn't meet your needs as a friend, and then you said no to her, about buying stuff from her, and now, she has been mean and fading out your friendship?

Hmmmmm.....

Taking a step back, to reevaluate what she brings to the table, not what you bring to the table, sounds like a good idea!!

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Hi, I see what you mean now. It seems like she did value our friendship as much as I did at first, but for some reason, that balance changed with time. I didn't realize it at first, but looking back, the signs were there such as not having her respond to my calls anymore and letting it go to v.m 99% of the time.

I have NOT contacted her on FB at all and don't plan on it. That's good to know that I posted to the right forum- I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who's going through this. Sorry to hear that you've been through this a lot in the past-: It seems to me that the concept of friendship is lost on many people these days and that true friends are getting harder and harder to come by these days. It seems like most people are becoming a lot more selfish and self absorbed. Ugh! No wonder I don't put as much effort in trying to make new friends anymore!

Angie

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Hi, thanks for understanding and replying! She is in her late 30's and is almost 40! So you'd think that she'd be a bit more mature at this point, but she isn't in some ways! I do understand that going through a divorce is tough although I've never actually been in that situation. I have come close to getting divorced more than a few times in the past though!

So it is a very stressful thing to go through! I'm not quite sure what to do at this point as she was wonderful when I first knew her, but over time, she changed for the worse. Perhaps she is doing the slow fade like she said she'd do when a friendship isn't working out- Yeah, I'm definitely reevaluating our friendship now.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if she continues to ignore me after a few months, that's it, I'll let her know that I'm not OK with being ignored for long periods of times and that I truly think that she is incapable of being direct or forgiving which are qualities that I don't want in a friend.

I'll also point out to her that I don't appreciate her always putting some loser guy in her life before a best friend. Ugh! From now on, if a woman values attention above everything else from some loser guy who treats her like dirt more than her friends, then I won't bother being her friend as that screams major issues and messed up priorities to me!

Angie