[bronzeowl]

Hi, I'm not sure anyone would remember me. I haven't really logged on since 2011. I can be like that sometimes. A rolling stone when it comes to internet forums. This has little to do with the forum and more to do with my own anxiety. But right now, I don't know where else to go. I'm not even sure what I expect out of this post. I guess I just want to get it off my chest. Have someone to speak to.

The past year has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. Full of ups and downs. In December my sister and I went to Michigan to discover our roots. It was far from what I expected. I had to face the fact that everything my mother has told me about my family over the years has been right. I guess it's been a downhill slope since then.

And now, I think I've reached my ultimate low. I feel like there's no getting up from where I've landed. What's worse is that I haven't been able to sleep in two weeks. I have gotten "sleep", but it's more like passing out, being unaware for a few hours, and then waking up feeling as though I never slept at all. For the most part, though, I spend my nights tossing and turning. It goes like this: Hour one - close eyes. toss turn. toss turn. disturb dog. get up.
hour two - stare at computer for thirty minutes. lie down.
hour three - repeat cycle
Before I know it, the sun is out and the birds are chirping.

Sometimes, I just can't stop crying. I'll be lying in bed, playing world of warcraft, and in the middle of a dungeon... I'll start bawling. And I never know why. Last night I cried for a good thirty minutes straight. Until my dog crawled up to me and laid next to me until I calmed down. Then, other times, it's more like feeling nothing at all. A numbness. There are some times when I even scare myself. I don't feel like I'm an immediate threat to myself yet. But I feel like, if I keep going down this path, I might be.

I have tried reaching out to friends, to family, but I simply don't know how. I'm surprised I've even typed this much here. I guess it's easier when dealing with people who you don't speak to daily. Easier when speaking to people who you know have been there. Last night, though, made me sink even lower. I tried my best to reach out to someone and they never replied. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her since. I just don't understand why I have so much trouble talking to people.

I know I need help. I just don't know where to go. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place financially. I have looked for resources nearby but always draw blanks. They're either too far (I have no car) or too expensive. This creates a cycle.

The other day, I woke up from a small nap and wondered why I woke up in the first place. I promptly tried to return to sleep, deciding that it would be better than facing the world, only to find that I could not. Because for some reason neither my body nor my mind would allow it.

A few months ago I faced a bitter realization. I don't remember what it feels like to be truly happy.

I'm sorry for this long post. I have searched and searched for a place to turn to, and in my current frame of mind, this was the only place I could think of.

[Little Lulu]

Just saying how I feel helps me. Welcome back.

[bronzeowl]

It definitely helped a little to get it off my chest. Thank you for the welcome back.

[Rohag]

Hello, Bronzeowl! We both liked the photos of the dogs shaking off water.

Until my dog crawled up to me and laid next to me until I calmed down.

Dogs are truly wonderful friends and comforters.

Sleep is critical. A sleep-deprived mind is a poor weapon to bring to this fight. In the absence of external resources I know plenty of sleep hygiene guidelines exist on the Web. Unfortunately, your situation is complicated by depression, making those guidelines less valuable.

Please keep posting. If not here, then elsewhere. Sift the useful from the useless.

[bharani1008]

It's good that you came here and posted. You're right that we really understand what you are feeling and how hard it is to cope. It's so disappointing when you try to reach out and no one holds on to you. Problem is that in our society depression is something to keep hidden so anyone opening up about it is making people look at what they don't want to see. Plus they really cannot understand what you are saying. It's like trying to see blue when someone is blind. You can describe it all day long and they still won't know what you are talking about.
It takes courage to reach out and you've done that.
Even if you can't afford professional treatment you can call the hotlines available and just talk to the people trained to listen. I believe there is a good list of these numbers in the top of the depression forum. Lots of 800 numbers.
Try that and of course post here. We will listen. We care

Hello, Bronze Owl, and welcome back.

Yes, you are in a depressive state and need help. If you can't afford a psychiatrist who
will medicate you until you regain your sleep schedule and begin to feel somewhat better,
I would suggest that you try to alter your diet, use the "lemon thing" I have suggested
on this same page called "The Lemon Thing And Why It Works for Some of us". It
might provide some relief for you and give you a night of restful sleep.

Buy some meditative reading to try to cast off dark images that you have in your mind.
Read, read, read about uplifting things and even (if you are a spiritual person) read
the works of writers who talk about positive thinking based on scripture (works such
as Emmet Fox's "Around the Year With Emmet Fox"), another meditative paperback.

Then, look at your diet. If you drink coffee or tea containing caffeine, use chocolate or eat a lot of wheat products please stop the use of them temporarily until you get your good
feeling tone back. You will no doubt have headaches with those changes, but take
an aspirin to relieve the worst of them, at least during the first days of releasing those
chemicals from your system.

Instead of grains, add brown rice. Instead of cheese, milk, and red meat, eat lots
of salads with fresh vegetables, drink purified water, and cut back on red meat, eating
more fish. Add an essential Omega 3 fatty acids to your diet (research has proven it to be beneficial in healing in depression).

Your dog has keen insight into your physical condition, just by his sense of smell. Take
the hint he's trying to convey to you. Change your food ingestion for better feeling tone.

Try to prevent yourself from looking at any images that bring on distressing thoughts
and avoid any strongly negative conversations on t.v. In fact, please turn off your t.v.
the moment you see things that are distressing.

Picture a broom in your mind just sweeping all the debris (dust, negativity, hurt, and
distress) from your mind. Keep sweeping until you feel clean and free inside. Get outside into the sun and soak it in. When the negativity tries to seep back in later
in the day, stop. Sit down and go back to your reading of uplifting and positive literature.

If you can afford one visit to your personal physician for a prescription for a helpful
tranquilizer I would try that, at least until you can afford to see a psychiatrist for
diagnosis and treatment.

There are answers for you out there, and all you have to do is to act on something
that appeals to you as a way to recover.

We're here to listen and to try to help. Please feel that you are loved and valued,
because you are by all here.

Keep in touch and let us know how you progress. Getting that sleep schedule adjusted
is of primary importance, in my view. It is the real healer for us all in many ways.

[Idiot17]

Sorry, i have no advice or anything. But hey welcome back, sending good wishes your way. ((((hugs))))

[bronzeowl]

I had forgotten about those pictures. Thanks for the link. I find that I still like them now, as well.

They truly are wonderful friends. I'm glad that I have mine. Sandy is the one who comforted me. I've had her since I was sixteen, so going on six years now. When I got her, I had been in a terrible depressive stage then, too. She helped to pull me out of it. She got me out more. It was a wonderful experience. This time feels worse, though, and I'm not sure why. I've tried getting out. I still walk them. But sometimes feels off. It's like knowing that something terrible is happening, but not knowing exactly what. I'm sorry. I'm rambling right now

I'll check them out. I've tried many of the recommendations I've seen around the internet for a better night's sleep. Sometimes I feel I've exhausted them all. My sleeping pattern has been terrible for years, but it has definitely been worse in the past two weeks. I'm willing to keep trying things, though. I'm willing to try until I find something that works. Sleep deprivation isn't a good experience at all.

I think the comment about society hit the nail on the head. Even with all the resources out there now, it still hasn't clicked for some people. I don't think it helps, either, that I'm usually not so good at expressing myself. On forums, I'm better about it. I suppose because I'm not staring you face to face or not staring at a box knowing I'm going to get an instant reply. It's easier when the replies are delayed. Easier when I can avoid clicking on it to read them until I'm ready. I do have my local hotline number tucked in my journal. Problem is I don't currently have a phone. My mother does (I still live with her at the moment, another contributing factor to the depression perhaps, but not one I like to talk about much) but I'd worry about her being able to see I've called one. She knows I have depression (was there when I was diagnosed many years ago), but the idea of her knowing for some reason still scares me. If that makes any sense at all. I found a website that works similar to hotlines, with chatting. But I've been afraid to try it. Every time I go to try, I minimize the window and that's that. I' tried the Samaritans thing once, too. I didn't find it very helpful personally. I'll keep the numbers nearby, though.

Thanks for all the advice, genetic. I'm not sure the lemon method is for me. Not because I don't think it would work for most people, but because I just... to be honest, really don't like lemons. (Or lime, either) I've never thought to try meditative reading. It's probably one of the few things I haven't tried yet. Next time I can make a trip to a bookstore, I'll look for some. I do enjoy reading, so I figure I can try it. As far as my diet goes, I've been trying to change it. I haven't replaced grains with brown rice, though. Monthly shopping is this Friday. So I'll buy some then. I recently cut out most canned vegetables and fruits from my diet in turn for fresh ones. They taste better and they did seem to help for a while. Though, this past month we were strapped for cash and my diet suffered a little because of it. So, maybe that's a contributing factor, as well. I know for a fact the money is. Because the bills keep piling and the money isn't.

TV isn't much of a problem for me as we don't own one any more. Haven't since the switch to DTV. Don't want to pay for cable and the boxes never worked for us in our area. So, instead, we just decided not to have one. It's worked. We get our news from the paper and online and any shows I enjoy watching, I can usually find on Netflix or Hulu. But I think that advice could apply to the internet, too. If I see anything upsetting, just close the page.

Sometimes I feel like I've exhausted all the methods of helping. I know, logically, that I haven't. But in my darkest moments, I feel like I have. I guess that's part of the vicious cycle. I think the best thing for me so far is being around my animals. Just holding one of them is therapeutic. I know, though, that I need something else. Even if it's just someone to talk to. I'll try some of the suggestions here and meanwhile, I'll keep searching for help I can afford.

Last night I got somewhat decent sleep. It wasn't long. I woke up as soon as the sun rose. But I slept, and that's the important thing. I'm feeling a little better today.

Thank you for the welcome back. I'll do my best to keep posting. Thanks for all your posts. They mean a lot to me.