[bronzeowl]

Is what was said to me.

I guess the sentiment behind it is nice. It lets me know that someone cares. But I'm still not sure how to feel about it.

I have low self esteem. It's not exactly a secret. Well. Actually, I'm not being entirely honest. My self esteem fluctuates. It's strange. Sometimes I feel almost superior to most. A fact I seldom admit to anyone. Then, other times, I feel inferior. I feel as though something is wrong with me. The smallest thing can cause me to snap in this way. I guess I have a big ego, and they fall hard.

I don't understand, though, why she once told me to be honest with her. And then when I am, she shuts herself away. Ignores me. As though trying to ignore the bad. I don't blame her. Sometimes, I want to. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to live that kind of life. But I realize it wouldn't. As I used to. And all that bad boiled up inside of me and has left me where I am today. A depressed mess. I don't hold it against her. I just wish she wouldn't ignore me. Even a change of subject would be a welcome relief.

I guess I expect too much from people. And I take it personally when they don't meet those expectations. Too personally. The blow hits almost as hard as a blow to my ego does. Almost. I am prone to mood shifts. Prone to tantrums, and depressive episodes. Prone to trusting someone too much, and then not trusting them enough. I push people away. It's a wonder I haven't pushed her away yet. But I push them away because at first, I trust too much. And then... then, I don't trust at all. This has left me incredibly lonely. I'm not a social butterfly by any means. I'm the exact opposite. But even us... er, "loners" need the occasional company of another human. Most of us desire it. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I'm no exception.

She hates when I put myself down.

But I find it hard not to. I have no life outside of World of Warcraft. My days have become a repetition of sorts. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I brush my teeth. I play WoW. I shower. I eat dinner. I brush my teeth. I play WoW more. Eventually, I grow tired and fall asleep. Sometimes, not all the time. And the next day, I repeat it all. Except for the days when I work. And then I add a few hours of work to the mix. During all this, I am alone. Which makes me wonder why. Which makes me think something must be wrong with me. Though, sometimes, I wonder if something's wrong with them. It's a vicious cycle. And being left alone with your thoughts can be terrifying.

I start to think about the things I've done in the past. I think about all the things I've done wrongs. The things I could do better. And I put myself down. I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone points it out. It's always the same rehearsed lines.

I'll be stuck in this life forever, statistics prove it.

I'll never be anything. Like my father before me.

I'll never be happy.

I deserve to be alone.

I fail at life.

Which are often contrary to the things I said the day before. Or maybe even hours before. So. I put myself down. And people hate that.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I start to question if depression is just "it". I can't afford therapy, though. I have found a place in the city over where you can work out payment plans. Get discounts if you're making as little as we are. But I have no transportation to get there. The official diagnosis was depression. And even though that was ten years ago, I still feel depressed.

My life has become a roller coaster ride. And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm not even sure if this thread fits here... but I feel most comfortable here for some reason. I'm not sure what I expect in replies. Advice? Comfort? Perhaps merely social interaction even if it is through a screen. I am human, after all. And even though I can be hard to put up with, I still need human interaction.

Yes. I realize I did it again.

[manwithnofriends]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

But even us... er, "loners" need the occasional company of another human. Most of us desire it. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I'm no exception.

The exact reason why lonely people are left lonely.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

I'm not even sure if this thread fits here...

Yes, it fits here. It might also fit in other places, too.

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

It's always the same rehearsed lines.

The "tapes" keep playing. Do you have an idea how those tapes got recorded in the first place?

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by manwithnofriends

The exact reason why lonely people are left lonely.

Unfortunately, yeah.

The "tapes" keep playing. Do you have an idea how those tapes got recorded in the first place?

To be honest, not really. I can't even remember the first time feeling like that. I know that the thoughts seem to have triggers. Insults do it quickest. Even the smallest, most innocent of them. But how they were put there in the first place? I just don't know.

I had someone tell me this exactly and now she's not in my life... but that wasn't entirely my fault. It hurt a lot though. She would always seem to ignore me, or almost seem to get mad at me, when I talked about it. But anyway I think most people just don't know how to deal with it. It sucks but yeah.

[bharani1008]

People just don't like it when we put ourselves down. That is a fact that we have to get used to. Even your best friend will get tired of trying to pull you up. They are also trying to keep themselves OK. Almost no one has the strength to carry both you and themselves. It isn't that they don't care.
You say that you've known that you've had depression for a long time. Have you ever been able to get medication for it? If you can't get therapy maybe medication can help. I don't think you can deal with this without some help. It's hopeful that you have found somewhere which can accommodate you financially. If at all possible take advantage of it. You need help. Also look at the top of this forum at Depression Resources and see if anything there can help you.
I so relate to your trust issues. We trust too much and then pull completely back and end up isolated. There you need counseling or therapy to get clear. I have never gotten that one right. I think going slower when we meet people is the way to do it. But I'm not sure I know what that means.
Anyway, I hope you get help soon.

[FeelingOpaque]

I don't know about that bharani1008, I've coddle a friend who who was going through some stuff for a while and I never got tired of the self loathing. I definitely got frustrated that I felt like there was nothing I could do except provide comfort, but I never tired of it.

And you should definitely get help if you aren't already seeking it, it won't make everything magically ok, but its a start down somewhere better.

[possum220]

Bronzeowl I love the avatar that you have of the Corgi in a suit. I love animals because they don't judge what we say or do...... as long as wee feed them on time. .

Often times when we are aggravated by what others say or do is because we dislike that same traits in ourselves. Chances are when people talk to you about putting yourself down is because its their issue as well.

So give back to them their own issue.......... and just deal with yourself. Its a long road to move down. There is only one Bronzeowl. A person who has the capacity to love animals and reach out to others. And even if you dont believe that..... I do.

[AV747]

All will be well! You can do it, I believe in you!

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I had someone tell me this exactly and now she's not in my life... but that wasn't entirely my fault. It hurt a lot though. She would always seem to ignore me, or almost seem to get mad at me, when I talked about it. But anyway I think most people just don't know how to deal with it. It sucks but yeah.

I think you're right. That's why I try not to get mad at her. I try not to expect too much from people. But it's hard not to. It's like... like I'm wired to? I don't know, it's hard to explain. My expectations are always too high and everyone fails to meet them. I'm trying so hard not to let this happen here. I care about this person. A lot. She's the closest thing I've got to a best friend other than my dog. Essentially, the only friend I have left. I know it hurts to lose people. I've been there so often. It can be hard to deal with what others have to say. Especially when it's regarding depression or anything similar.

I know she's trying to keep herself okay. She's come to me a lot with her own problems. I listen. I like to listen. People like to talk to me, too. The few people I have close, anyway. Which are mostly family members, but that counts for something. I guess that's just my inner psych nerd. But in her case, it is because I care. I think so, anyway. I'm not that great with figuring out my own emotions, so forgive me (lol).

I've never been able to get medication. Er, it was suggested by my psychiatrist when I was 13? or 14? years old. I don't remember. I don't even remember it being suggested, I just know that my mom told me she's feels guilty for encouraging me to say no. So, I never took it then. Now, I don't know where to go. I have no funds. No health insurance. Don't qualify for medicaid (except family planning... yeah... that's it... as though sexually inactive me or my 49 year old mother need that). So, I just don't know where to go. If I could find somewhere, I do have a card that gives a huge discount on medication. I used it when I was attacked by dogs for my pain killers. It was something like 75% off for our income level. I just don't know where to go or who to speak to about that. Plus I'm a bit afraid to try them in the first place. My mother had been on them and she says she got addicted. My friend is on them and they worked for a while, but after a while made her really sleepy and angrier than normal. I know everyone is different, still hard not to be afraid of such things.

I'm not sure what that means, either. But thanks for the advice.

In any case, I know I need help. I've known for a long time. I'm just stuck in a small town, with hardly any resources for mental health available, without transportation, and with a steadily lowering income. Over the past four years, I've watched us go from middle class to... well below it. I'm not even sure how much longer we'll have net connection. Some days I'm not even sure we'll have a roof over our heads. It's hard finding a way to take care of yourself and your mother AND finding the mental health you need. I'll be starting school again this fall. And I sometimes wonder if I'm ready. Maybe that's my subconscious trying to talk me out of it. But I feel like... I just don't know how I'll be able to juggle so much at one time. It probably sounds like I'm just making excuses. But believe me. I have tried. I have stayed up until midnight trying to find local places that will give me a sliding scale. Or work out payment plans. Or even see me for free if I can prove we are barely making enough to survive let alone seek therapy. I have bookmarked the one site that I have found so far. It's just finding a way there that has been a problem. I've decided, though, that if I can't get anywhere before then, I may speak to the school counselor when I start classes there. It's better than nothign at all.

I love corgis. I found this avatar in the premade ones for the site. My own dog is a corgi mix of some sort. I have trouble bonding with humans. I can't say I've ever truly loved any human but my mother. I've always been able to bond with animals, though. They're like family to me. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think she may be suffering from some form of depression herself and has trouble listening to me because of it. I try not to burden her too often, but I try not to lie to her, either. Though I admit. It can be frustrating. The way she comes to me constantly, but seems to... I don't know, shut her ears when I go to her. Which is a rarity in itself. I seldom talk about my problems. This site being an exception. And this is just a way to vent and get advice from people I know have been there. With friends and family, I more often than not just... walk away. Hold it in. Which probably isn't exactly healthy. But it's the way I was brought up, I suppose. Sometimes, I don't believe it. But thank you.

To you, too. I want to believe all will be well. But sometimes, seeing is believing..