I want to leave this world

Been wanting to die for a long time now.

I guess I have had undiagnosed/untreated major depression for about 6-7 yrs now. Agoraphobia came along with that.
It has been about 10 yrs since I had any professional help. At that time I had my self admitted because I wanted to hurt my self and others.

Since then I have been under severe stress from adult step kids drama and their effect on my husbands behavior. Also stress from other people in our lives.

Now, in Dec 2012 my dad dies from heart failure. I can't settle all of his affairs because I haven't been able to obtain legal identification since moving back to Texas in 2006.
It took 4 months to locate my brother, who is schizophrenic. He died of ischemic bowel and heart failure in June.

Now in the mean time, my husband is diagnosed with vocal chord cancer in May. Five days a week we drive 90 miles to the Dallas VA for his radiation treatment.

Ok, now as if this isn't enough to deal with, he has respiratory failure after his treatment last Friday. He survived because I took him to the ER after he could barely walk or stay awake after his treatment.

They thought he took to much pain medication and also had pneumonia.
After being intubated and 6 days in the hospital they discharged him and took him home. They had to drive him because he needed to have oxygen.

I am still in Dallas and too exhausted to drive home.

P.S.
In Feb we had to quit smoking because my husband has COPD and needed home oxygen.
I have become mean, hostile, angry and now curse. I can't seem to stop myself.

sounds like a lot to go thru. no wonder you're exhausted!

Anyone would be depressed and stressed out in your position. I don't see how you have coped so well. The fact that in spite of your depression you are able to be so proactive in your husbands care is truly admirable. You need to take care of yourself. You need to get medical support for your depression. It's probably too much for you to deal with all alone. Since you have sought help so much time has passed and there have been so many new treatments discovered. There is hope for you.
IMO you need to get a little time away from everything. Take a walk in a pretty park, feed the ducks or the pigeons, watch the dogs play or the children play. Go to the mall and window shop. Treat yourself to a lunch out. These things aren't expensive but may get you a few minutes of distraction from your stress.
And of course post here freely. We are here to listen. You might find support in the other forums on this site. There are so many.
I hope things

Thanks bharani. Those all sound like great distractions that I would enjoy.

I found temporary relief eating a Klondike crunch bar and drinking Rooibos Chai tea.
Someone kindly donated them to the house I'm at.

I used to sleep during the day and stay up at night but now have to get up very early. The early morning is very peaceful and going outside and listening to the birds is calming.

My husband and I both watch movies and some TV shows for distraction.
Lately I don't care to watch any more, so I started to listen to music again.

For what it may be worth: VA Caregiver Support Services

Everytime I get overwhelmed my already fragile will-to-live takes another hit. You've had so much happen in such a short time... It's a testimony to your essential resilience.

When possible, continue to take advantage of opportunities to shut out the stressors.

Thank you for the info. It is especially helpful to know how seasoned veterans deal with these feelings.
I am trying to disengage from some stressors.

Can understand your exhaustion. Know we're here whenever you want to post--we'll at least have a hug for you.

Only thing I can suggest is when you are having angry thoughts, write it out to vent, then dispose of it so hubby won't find it and feel bad about how all of this affects you.

Keep taking care of yourself!\\

Susan

Sorry, I just realized, I needed to let you know I was taking DHEA, 5HTP, Relora and St. John's Wort.
I think I got information about them on Livestrong and Dr. Oz websites.
My MD wanted me to stop taking them when I became extremely exhausted. But. it turned out my sodium level was dangerously low.
My MD started me on Prozac and then I needed an anxiety med.
I am thinking about quitting them and going back to some of what I was taking before.
I am walking 2x a day now, but don't always want to or enjoy it. I liked just sitting on the deck instead.
NOTE: Please talk to your doctor before adding or changing any medications.

Thanks onlineuser. I recently found notebooks with my angry, sad and worried thoughts.

I will start doing this again, but I want to include any good and happy thoughts.
The good and happy thoughts seem hard to find.

Sending hugs your way! Maybe try and get up early and see if you can rest your mind listening to those birds sing! I love going out early in the mornings it is relaxing to me.(((((((Iamwho))))))))

You need something that helps relax you. Maybe not what as follows, but something that triggers calmness.

Thanks gma45. Your name seems familiar. I have become an early AM person. Yesterday I went for a long slow walk by myself. I was able to enjoy it better that way. My mind did finally slow down some after about an hour. I even started thinking about things I liked. Little things like my ariat boots,
Nikes and my long hair.
I just wanted to keep walking which isn't easy with a bad hip, back and shingles.

Fuzzybear I remember you. The Triple Hearts and Hula Bear lift my heart.

I am not sure what you mean optimize. Can you give me some examples?

Not sure what I was referencing, optimize?

Anyway we adopted a small dog and the daily walks have helped take my mind away. I don't think about being gone from life as much.

Dogs/furry companions are often more effective than drugs.

I hope so, Rohag. After nearly 40 yrs of marriage, hubby told me he is a cat person. Early in our marriage we had a Siamese, but it gave me (bad) asthma, not that there is any good asthma. Hoping I have outgrown my allergy or will learn to deal with it.
All this time we have had many dogs. I raised Rottys and keep 3 for over 13 yrs., until they passed. We had an American Staffordshire for a long time, before the Rotts. We also have had numerous mixed breeds.
For 6 yrs we had no animals until we adopted sister. Since Sister (chihuahua mix? likes me as much or more than him, Hub wanted another dog. Instead, this week we adopted two, 6mth old, Maine Coon mix cats.
We are keeping them in the house, but they mostly run and hide from us for now.

.

Update on walking. I like walking backwards to see where I have been. It seems I can get a much wider view of the landscape while walking backwards.

My hip stops hurting when I walk backwards.

If anyone tries this, start out very slowly. Feel the ground beneath your feet and glance back or turn around to see what is ahead. Holding your arms up and out to the side can help your balance. Also, a cane or walking stick can help.

Walking sideways may be easier and helps build different muscles.

Happy Walking