[topcat]

Hi
I have never done this before so i hope it makes sense.
Saying that i'm not sure where to start or even what to say.
I'm here because i need to talk to people i need to express how i'm feeling. I had a very very low spell a few months back it was extremely scary, i got through it well i blanked it out atleast. Now though i know i'm heading down the same route i'm trying to block it out but this time i just can't. I want to gain control of life again i want to make people smile like i used to, More to the point i want to smile and laugh like i used to. I have three children and they are suffering so much with me being like this, mummy just doesn't play or read stories with them, mummy doesn't take them to the park or to parties i just can't. I know im going on and i haven't even said what the problem is i just don't know how to do it. I've never been one to talk about my problems i've always been that girl who listens to everyone elses and helps them, now it's me that needs help and i don't know how to ask for it. Everyday things seem to be getting harder or something else happens, goes wrong i don't want to loose my friends or partner because i can't open up or just explain things. All they see is a moody miserable stressy snappy ill woman who doesn't eat has no energy and never smiles. I don't want to be like this anymore i want to be better i want to be me again. This is why i'm taking the first step and opening up even if it is a small amount and to people that i don't know and can't see but it must be a good start right??
If anyone has any suggestions or words of wisdom (snap out of it will probably be what i get) then please please help!!!

[justpeachy06]

Oh Topcat. I have been where you are so many times. Am fighting my way out of that even now. It does help to see your Doctor. There are meds to help pull you out of this. And sometimes just coming here and talking with these loving, caring ppl helps so much.
**hugs**

[topcat]

Thanks peachy. i sometimes feel guilty that i feel this way im sure there are people out there that just cope and that just get on. i used to be like that but now i don't seem to be able to, now i just feel like that no matter what i do when i stop doing it all the problems will still be there and i won't have achieved anything. I wish i could find a way out i know there is no quick fix but i want there to be one. I want to feel better i hate myself so much now. I just don't understand in one lifetime how so much crap can be dealt to one person. It feels like anything bad that could happen has happened to me. You name it death rape abandonment repossesion bankruptcy criminal records illness divorce seperation abuse i've exprienced them all i just don't know how much more i can take or how much more can be thrown at me. I must sound so pathetic and like i'm over exagerating but truly it's all going on in my life. Why me? what did i do that was so bad that i deserve all this? I just want to smile i know it sounds silly but i want that more than anything.

im so sorry about that topcat. It sounds like you have allot of old wounds instead from all the trials you have had to endure. can you look into finding a therapist in addition to geting on meds? It seems like in the long run, therapy might help you.

[justpeachy06]

I'm so sorry you have been through so much. Maybe therapy would be the right thing for you.
I haven't had near the things happen to me that you have, but I do understand your feelings. I wish I could give you the answers you are searching for. I can't. But we are all here to listen anytime.
Take care.

[FaithisAlive]

I am right there with you.. in my lifetime it has been... sexual abuse by both parents and two brothers... from very early age to teenager..blocked memories.. abusive relationship.. death of the only person who loved me...2 brothers in prison.. gun held to my head..stalked....foreclosure on a home.. divorce.. medical problems too numerous to mention.. son gone from my life from age 10 to 18... so much pain.. so much unfairness. trauma after trauma...

But for me, having it spread across a lifetime seemes to have helped me cope.. shrug it off and keep right on going.. pretending I was fine.. keeping my chin up..praying and having faith in God.., and one day it all seemed to just hit me.. everything I had been through.. so much I never really dealt with. .experienced the emotions of..

I lived through the experience but my emotions were shut down.. I never really FELT the pain and anguish of what happened to me...never felt the anger over the treatment I sustained.. until therapy ..

I am often overwhelmed... it sounds like thats where you are now.. overwhelmed and feeling depressed and hopless.So much to work through. I think one day we wake up and it is time to heal from all the pain.. the wounds...it presses down upon us without warning and despite our own resistance...

Its especially hard for those of us who have always been the "rock" and the one others depend on for advise and encouragement and comfort...we don't know how to help our own self.. we can't bring ourselves to even admit we might need help.. a shoulder to cry on... a word of advise..

Its okay.. I understand... I may not have the right words to show that do understand.. sometimes they fail me... but I know what its like to feel like you are being punished for existing.. and I know what its like to not be able to ask for help.. or tell whats wrong... and talking is the key too.

The more I talk in therapy.. the more I am freed of the pain.. the closer to healing I get.. and its hard too.. tiring..alot of tears..but its worth it.. therapy was the best thing I ever did for ME.... I still have a hard time opening up.. revisiting those painful times in my life.. but I keep on trying..because I want to heal. I want to be whole for my family....

Please feel free to talk all you want to. share your stories.. let it out.. free yourself of the inner turmoil that is so frustrating... you did good coming here.. great first step by all means!! And not easy to do, I know..but the more you talk.. the more you share.. the easier it gets.. and the lighter the burden becomes...

I am here for ya.. anytime you need to talk.. pm me if you feel like it...I have a long way to go in my own healing but I have come a long way too...

It does get better.. the sun wil shine for you again.. you can take your life back... be patient with yourself.. and believe that nothing you have experienced has been punishment at all.its simply life can be unfair...

Good Luck....