I wish I was alone, so I could self destruct and no one would care.

things I'm currently failing at:

• my job
• my friendships
• household chores like laundry (I have a stinky clothes mountain that I can't even fathom tackling)
• staying skinny (I think I've gained a minuscule amount of weight; this is unacceptable)
• being a good wife
• abstaining from self injury
• exercise
• eating (I seem to have stopped..)
• sleeping
• being a capable 'effing adult
• life

All of this.... this madness is entirely my own creation. If I wasn't such a pathetic weakling, I'd be able to handle stress better. I've created all these problems, but outside of my head everything is fine. My husband is none-the-wiser to my moods, as I put particular effort in shielding him from my depression. Minor slip ups are excused away by 'tiredness'.

I thought everyone at my job hated me, but it turns out they don't even know that I exist. I'm still trying to determine if my invisibility is a good thing or not, however I have determined that my previously held assumption (wide spread hatred) indicates that I'm still a selfish, egotistical, narcissist, who doesn't deserve kindness. See, wonky logic dictates that I'm a non-entity. So, to assume other people hate me, is to assume other people think about me. To assume other people expend mental energy on me is an incredibly narcissistic thought, especially for a non-entity such as myself.

I just want to scratch away my flesh, show them (who? everyone I guess) how I truly feel. But I won't; I'm prevented by vanity, honor, and the realization that no one has any ****s to give about me and my silly problems. So I stick with superficial methods, that clear up in a few hours. Look at me, such a ****ing badass with my paperclip. pfft I make myself sick.

The SI tension makes my stomach hurt, guess I can't have lunch (ohhhh nooo, how terrible *eyeroll*)

No words (here) ... Just

Pm me if you feel like talking more

(no problem if not. Thanks for sharing... Wish I could

So sorry for you pain. I'm glad you were able to come to PC and get it out. It is a safe place to lay out our feelings and have others acknowledge that we exist and are cared for. I hope you are seeking professional help. No one should have to suffer that much pain. Look around the forums. We have some that might be of help to you. Keep posting and stay safe.
Gayle

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately no I'm not receiving treatment, there's a....complicated back story as to why I am not. Right now Psych Central and various other forums are my only support.

*sigh* i just wish I believed it when people say "no one deserves to suffer", because I do deserve the suffering. I'm a terrible person, and I should stop typing because I'm just manipulating everyone with my self pity.

UUGGH IGNORE ME PLEASE.

I think if you were a terrible person, you wouldn't be blaming self
But I dunno much
Winnie the poohs cousin (?)

I see you're pretty new, so welcome to PC.
I don't think your problems are pathetic. I don't think you're pathetic. And as long as you're struggling I hope you keep coming back because it seems to me you are in a lot of pain and deserve to have people support you. if you want it...

I'm just like you ! ...Sorry. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be but that was kind of amusing. I have a lot of the feelings that you described like, feeling like everyone hates you, then having the revelation that you're non-existent and then feeling you're a narcissistic prick. And same with sort of feeling like you almost wished nobody cared so that you could self harm and.. nobody would care. But that would obviously backfire in the long run because NOBODY CARES. Therefore, you care even less and eventually give up.. So in a way having people that care for you is a good thing.

Lol and if it is any consollation at all, i like you !