[htebsiL radnalaS]

i noticed i've used the word "rescue" a few times recently. i looked it up in the dictionary (see below). "come to the aid of; save the life of; salvage; recover; get back..."

i needed aid when i was a kid. noone came. so now i still wish for it but really, i'm 50. noone is can recover my childhood. it came and went. there will always be grief in that for me. and truthfully, i've been rescuing myself all my life; from the time i discovered alanon to choosing therapy and journaling... et al...

i must validate and recognize my strength and courage despite the temptation to find familiar fault. it really becomes a choice. breaking a bad habit of thinking in ways that give me nothing but familiar misery and agony...

i was a victim in childhood. and i'm pissed noone rescued me but damn, i did okay. i don't have much in terms of friends and am still looking for my life partner but i have freedom and dreams and plans and a precious connection with animals and nature. i thought by now i'd have a solid intimate partner relationship but in my mind i know that is rare. even those married for decades aren't necessarily happy. and i am still free to keep searching without anything holding me back... i imagine there are some married folks who wish for that...

in my current sadness and disappointment with yet another failing relationship, fearing i'll be alone forever, i miss what IS. like this very cool relationship i have with 3 feral cats that i've been watching out for for many years. so much so that they sit on my front step every day, yes in part because i feed them but also because i help them feel safe here. so much so that the youngest kitty lets me pet her and today i picked her up (and not by the scruff!), albeit for a few seconds, but she didn't try to scratch me - which really says something wonderful about our relationship. who says human relationships are better?? if suddenly the world announced that our animal companions were equally if not more valuable than human i would kick myself in the head for not having honored that part of me all along, just because society was saying humans are more important...

i would love to stop wanting to find a human partner; would love to stop feeling it as a void. it is especially hard in the couples world we live in. maybe what i need is to explore the parts of me that may want to be rescued* by another human so that then i can strengthen practicing really fine-tuning rescuing myself even more: being that woman i believe in; the woman i admire; the woman that is inside and wants to be seen; the bohemian barefoot moon goddess hippie... it feels scary to think of myself so confidant. i suppose because it means releasing a very familiar wounded role... *(i want a partner that will love me and be safe and gentle and caring and loving and know how to communicate their inner self and allow me to love them and care for them. where is the rescuing in that? trying to be brutally honest. it's on the tip of my tongue: i want someone who... hmmm... i'm not clear yet... what i do know is that as i focus on being my moon goddess self and all that that means to me: confidant, centered, at peace now, warm inviting home, volunteer, healthy and fit... THAT is ME saving my own life; THAT is me releasing myself from familiar habits of feeling depressed and victim and incapable and scared and fat and ugly and weakness and fear... that is me being at one with ME and then maybe i'll attract a healthier partner because i'll be coming from a healthier place... like attracts like. and while i've come a long way on my journey, it's time for fine-tuning... do i dare hope? you know what? as long as my focus stays on becoming at one with mySELF then thoughts of any possible partner dissipate in the mist: it becomes irrelevant because i am happy as is. a partner would be extra. and who knows, maybe i'll get to a place where i genuinely don't want a partner...

maybe i need to process another layer of grief. accepting the loss of never being rescued. i managed to go to a Spiritual Center today and i think in the past since i didn't feel an overwhelming feeling of relief or rescue i probably wouldn't return. but i allowed in what was helpful today even tho i needed to keep reminding myself to stay present and i appreciate the gifts i received. there was nothing magical but who knows, maybe the magic will be clearer in hindsight... it usually is...

RESCUE
verb
1 "an attempt to rescue the hostages": save, save from danger, save the life of, come to the aid of; free, set free, release, liberate.
2 "Boyd rescued his papers": retrieve, recover, salvage, get back.

noun
the rescue of 10 crewmen: saving, rescuing; release, freeing, liberation, bailout, deliverance, redemption.

phrases
come to someone's rescue: "We were stuck in the elevator until Marty came to our rescue": help, assist, lend a helping hand to, lend a hand to, bail out;...

Oh, I hope you haven't lost your little child within. That is the one who is the most
creative, playful, loving, and healthy one. If you're rescuing yourself, rescue that little
one, because she is the one who's going to attract that inner child from someone
else who can love you deeply and with respect.

It may be a long-term project, but I suspect that your love for animals may be the
child within expressing compassion and genuine affection for small, helpless things.

It'll be a journey, all right, but one well worth your giving your best effort to healing
her.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Yes definitely. My child is alive and well. Animals for me are symbols of innocence. They've always been my refuge. And I agree, focusing on my photography is always centering. I have many projects in the works...!

[Balise]

My heart goes out to you
How well I know those feelings.
Having been an unwanted, abused child, I am at last walking down a path of healing.
My biggest problem is trusting others, especially when they profess to "love" you.
Animals give you unconditional love - humans don't.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

As a child and now as an adult:
I want to feel :
loved not unknown
special not like trash
important not second, third and fourth
safe not terrified
beautiful not muted
protected not attacked
trusting not suspicious
peaceful not anxious
centered not crazy
calm not guarded
light-hearted not hyper-vigilant
playful not cautious
trusted not judged

Two things I'm seeing
1. In adulthood i need to watch out for reactions that make me run and i need to watch for trying to fix the past with the present
2.it seems i really really need to focus solely on giving the things i want to myself. It's not enough to go to therapy and work hard on myself and journal and exercise whenever and practice good communication and grieve losses and etc etc and search for a partner.

I feel humbled seeing how it's time to let go of yet another layer of my wounded child's terror and rage. I say layer to mean take yet another step towards my true self who is separate from my wounded protective terrified inner child experiences and memories...

My true self is at peace on her own. Does things that make her feel good like a clean home and physically moving and caring for others and enjoying her connection with nature and and does things that make her feel beautiful like healthy food options and balanced junkie foods and she keeps herself safe and feels loved from her self and creates her own calm and peace.

This journey hasn't been black and white. I haven't always or never done any of this. I just see how it's time to take it a few steps closer to me.

I've managed to become fiercely independent, comfortable doing most things on my own...

A question is when I do feel the negatives I listed above does it mean that I should walk/run the other way and/or feel validated and righteous because I get to walk away again to represent yet another *®¢@! You! OR do i stay and assess to see if it's something not as extreme because 1. They're not my parents and 2. I'm now an adult and 3. That was then. This is now.

I used to think i was supposed to avoid people in any way like my parents. So when i felt not impotent to someone I'd cling to that scenario feeling all my familiar pain and creating a very muddy perspective of what was really going on. I jumped quickly and clung on tight to feeling not important. Now in hindsight I see other perspectives that have a lot more to do with her and little to do with me being unimportant to her...

I have still been waiting for someone else to help me feel the things I didn't. And I've rationalized and/or denied what I've been doing. I'll be gentle with myself and believe I got to this awareness when I was supposed to, when I was ready...

Seems i need to really give myself those other things. Seems the loss of my childhood desires needs another level of grieving. Seems these gray shades of reality are screaming: that was then / this is now / that was them / this is him now / that was you then / this is what you can give to self now.

It's a daily process, in my view. You have a visual gift apparently in your photography work.
Why don't you persist daily at evening in trying to picture a broom just sweeping
from your mind all the negativity that has built during the day? Gradually, you will make that a practice and will be able to rid yourself of each day's negativity. Negativity is a loading for depression.

I do that often and have an active prayer life.

In addition, I picture myself in a shower letting all the water just drain away all the
negative images, things that have been said that are painful, noise, and especially
any anger. Grief is a good one to let go, too. Your child within will thank you for
that as she grows and feels "covered" by the love of the inner adult. I almost said
"parent" but that could be a futile effort if the parents were not nurturing. So I
use the word "adult" instead, because that suggests that we have become our
own person. (I think that's probably why you feel independent, and it's a wonderful
feeling, isn't it?)

Remember, there's a lifetime of goodness awaiting everyone who makes the effort
to improve the inner child's life and learns to respect and care for the inner child of
others.

Suddenly you find yourself not impressed so much with how people are dressed or
look or feel. You just sense a child within them who is either happy, free, or sad
and dismayed. Compassion will pour from you like a living spring.

Take good care of yourself. I think you're doing wonderfully well.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Last week was good. I was active and positive.

This week not so much.

I am not even sure why.

I wonder if it's my bipolar. Must I have the ups and downs so close together and with the ups lasting for such little time?

I thought part was feeling weighed down with some crap I've been dealing with with a phone/internet company. So I took a close look and made notes on last couple of bills and called. No one was available. It helped some to face it but maybe I need the completion to have the weight lift.

The other is with my bf. Just keep fighting negative thoughts about him and thoughts I assume ? or know ? he has of me. I keep wondering why he is with me if he thinks such neg things about me. And I'm sure I can ask myself the same about him probably.

This is the first relationship for me that has really made me stretch as far as I have with things like letting things go for now and seeing how i do/think many of the same things I think he is doing/thinking.

I've chosen to not end it, not just yet. The dynamics in this relationship challenge me a lot. Not necessarily really in any bad way. Just challenges me.

When I try to write about it it gets lost. I lose the words to express. But I feel this angst in my mind a lot.

Partly I think too is I feel lonely. My kitties died after 20 years together and it is still hard not having them around. I think that may be a larger part in all this. but i don't know because when they were here the only dif was i wasn't grieving them. i still struggled with energy and all that. it certainly doesn't help though to miss them so much.

and i'm kinda home-bound because i don't have a reliable car and i live between some hills so to get to anywhere is a trek. trying not to make that an excuse. but maybe that's what i'm doing.

I spend the weekends with my bf and we have a good time. Then I'm home Mon-Thurs. We live 60 miles apart. I don't have any real friends. noone i hang out with. i was going on sierra club hikes when my car was working. now it's too far and ends too late to feel safe on bike or bus. I hang out here on PC or when I have energy go on my rides or walks. Just don't have energy this week.

I almost hope this weekend with bf is cancelled so I can just sit in this blah awhile longer. You know, I think part is also that I just don't believe my bf likes me which I know is silly because he does things that say he likes me like inviting me to visit on weekends and cooking and thoughtfully choosing activities for us.

Maybe I'm just sad too because if this relationship is "it" then there is a loss. I thought I'd be with someone more affectionate. But I have to see his affection-handicap as not a personal thing but that it says something about him. But I need/want affection because it tells me that everything is ok. So I am challenged to feel like all is ok without the affection. I don't know if that makes sense but I do wish he was more affectionate and more self-aware and more expressive in words and and and....

There's no one perfect. Noone that will love me as I deserved as a girl. I think that is a lot of the angst. I've been letting go of this fantasy that will NEVER happen. That someone will give me that beautiful love that I never got where I'll feel so peaceful and important and special and perfect and wonderful and secure... I've always said that that window of opportunity came and went with my parents. That was a love that was supposed to be given to me when I was a girl. It wasn't. And it never will be.

And so I have to learn to appreciate what IS present today in my adulthood. The attention he DOES give me. The affections he DOES give me. The energy he DOES give me. The tenderness he DOES give me. When I feel that from him I want to see it as the gift that it is. Instead of enjoying it for the moment and then wanting more more more...

How do I do this? How do I stop craving something that I'll never get, that I never got? Yeah yeah, I'm supposed to give it to myself. And my reply to that is how in the hell am I supposed to give it to myself when I don't even know what it looks/feels/tastes/sounds like because I've never had it??!

I've been breaking thru a wall that has kept me blind to how things that I did as a girl to cope helped me then ...but doesn't help me now as often.

Like I analyzed everything to make sense of the insanity. I even studied psychology. Now I see how that while it still has its place, it's not as helpful as often as I'd thought. so i've been practicing being in the moment and letting things go and not having to talk about everything immedidiately and just choosing peace regardless.

And I used to feel so hurt and take so much personally because as a girl that is exactly what was happening. There was a lot of hurt and a lot that was personal. But now as an adult, it seems that that isn't the case as often as I've thought.

There are habits in actions or feelings that I got so used to feeling. And when I was a girl they were exactly right. Not that they aren't right for now but rather that i'm not the victim anymore. i feel like a victim a lot still. another habit. i feel sad a lot. another habit. i feel defensive a lot. another habit. i'm anxious a lot. habit.

how do i get better unstuck from the girl habits so i can enjoy what's left of my life?

how do i break from victim mode and scared mode and anxious mode and "you don't love me" mode and "i'm hurt" mode etc etc etc?

and my therapist had serious surgery end of july so she has been busy healing.

and my parents are coming next week and i'm trying to stop the anxiety that is habit and choose peace and strength.

i'm afraid i'll fail. and then it will be bad because i'll get depressed and won't be able to see them and my dad won't help me get a car and they'll be furious and my life will feel like it is over. and bf will look down on me and that will end.

OR
i will stay in the center and strength that i've been able to experience and it will be hard but i will see my parents who i haven't seen in decades and i won't choose agony and sorrow over what never was. i'll choose to see things and them as they are. two people who raised me who did a lousy job and despite it there have been and are good things in my life. my kitties are the top of the list. they center me. they are all i need. i will choose to accept that this was the life i was born into. imperfect. difficult. handicapped with brain sensitivities. but it IS the ONLY one i have. they gave me life. they tried to take it away with all their dumping of their ****. the best revenge is success. THEY want me to be miserable and depressed and sad and defensive. that is THEIR game. not mine. that is the dance THEY know and inflict. NOT MINE. My dance is with my eyes closed feeling the music and dancing barefooted with me... THAT feels so sweet.