birthdays as a depressive.

My 29th birthday is coming up in a little more than a week.

People ask me if i have any plans or want any presents. I say "i don't know", but truthfully I just want to spend the entire day in bed, unconscious [NOTE: my birthday is one of the few times I'm glad I don't have access to pharmaceutical depressants...cause...yeah we all know were that road leads].

All I feel is anxiety and despair when I think of my birthday.

I realized I'm locked in cycle of fear and disappointment. In the past I'd try to organize a party, pub crawl, day trip to the beach, group dinner, etc, but they were always disappointments/failures. I'd invite 30 people, 6 would show up-2 would show up-no one would show up.

So I just stopped trying. I can't even describe the feeling of knowing that all these people know its my birthday, have received their invitations a month in advance, and yet...barely a handful will wish me happy birthday, and lesser amount will show up to the event.

Its such a heartbreaking, traumatic feeling; its your birthday, and no one shows up to the party you had to plan yourself. I'm tearing up just remembering that feeling.

So my 29th looms ahead, I don't want a ****ing thing. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want stupid, pithy, happy birthday posts on facebook, nothing.

My husband keeps pestering me, says I need to do something, anything, so I acquiesced to sushi or Thai food. I figure if I have to commemorate 29 years on this miserable planet, the least I can do is eat something I really like, that I don't have often.

So I told him sushi or Thai for my birthday dinner, and instead of saying "ok", he responds with "well, those are kind of expensive, would you be happy with Chinese take-out?"
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No I would not be happy with Chinese take-out, and since my small request has yet again proven to be a burden to someone, lets just forget the whole birthday thing, please.

Sorry your husband ruined a good deal. It's the least he could do since he offered you dinner. I never celebrate my birthday. My mom used to make me a cake every year and make lunch and that was about it, but since she died, I hate my birthday because all I can do is miss her. I wish you a happy birthday even if you spend it in bed.
Gayle

oh I'm so sorry your husband said that. And I'm sorry you feel this way about your birthday - I have similar feelings every year. This past year wasn't so much fun, I only saw one person all day and he got angry at me =( =( was quite sad.

For me , I kind of help fulfill the prophecy because I don't reach out to people. Honestly... this past year, the most fun was this:

I took MYSELF out and pampered myself.

You know what? If you want sushi or Thai, go for it! if your husband wants to come let him... if your friends want to come let them. But go. Take the food to a park if the weather is nice and you're alone... I love coffee shoppes and reading so thats what I did this year.

Addendum: I don't want to give the impression that my husband is uncaring or rude, his response is my fault really. In any other situation I'd be perfectly happy with Chinese take-out, so he was just responding with our typical "second option".

But my dumbass had to inflate the importance of Thai/sushi, so his response stung a lot more than it should have.

Happy birthday!

I'm really very sorry that sounds awful sad.

I honestly never celebrate my birthday and refuse to let other people do so. I can understand how that would hurt though.

Didn't take it to mean your hubby's always unsupportive!!

But... Why not pamper yourself on your birthday? It's OK to say that chinese is not ok, and it's ok to feel that way. If it would be really special to you wouldn't he want to know then?

Are you inflating the importance of Thai/sushi, or are you putting down how you feel because you think it's wrong for you to feel that way?

Oh, I'm specifically putting myself down, I know that; its a long, LONG standing issue with myself.

But yes, some intangible part of me feels "wrong" to want special things just for me. I don't deserve nice things, I take too much already, expensive food IS a waste of money when that money could be better spent elsewhere, I don't need the calories because I'm fat enough already, its unfair to my husband because he doesn't even like sushi/Thai, etc etc.

I can spend all day coming up with all manner of self hating/martyr-complex excuses as to why I should deny myself.

Sometimes I worry that its not depression and anxiety, but maybe I'm just a bad, manipulative, sociopathic person. These...self denial exercises I like to engage in; why? Why do I do it? I know its for sure one part self-loathing, but I fear the other part stems from a mercenary victim-complex. Like, oh boohoo, people have been mean to me so I'm going to cry and make you (disembodied you) feel guilt/pity.

Oh god, I truly hate myself. Even posting on here, I feel like I'm manipulating everyone into caring about me when I feel like its not deserved.

I can sympathize with your birthday issues. I hope your husband decides to opt for sushi or thai. It isn't that expensive and it may make you feel cared about. I think part of being in a relationship with someone is giving in to their wishes. No two people will have everything in common and have all of the same likes. While quite often people can find compromises to make everyone happy, getting your way once a year is not out of line.

I try not to celebrate my birthday. I usually get really depressed around that time of year. To make things worse I found out on my birthday that my father wasn't my biological dad and that kind of thing screws with you. It happening on my birthday gives me a stark reminder every year that I was a mistake. Then my father also passed away a week after my 18 birthday so I get that rolling around and weighing on my thoughts as well.

While it is not the norm, I don't find anything wrong with you wanting to spend your birthday doing what you want to do, even if it is being alone, as long as you are ok with it. Usually around my birthday I get withdrawn, depressed and am not in the mood to celebrate. That is just me though. For better or for worse, it seems as I get older birthdays seem to be less important and less thought about.