not sure

not sure where to put this. not really sure what it is. been struggling with a change in therapists these last 2 weeks, and a very abrupt termination from my former T (in the last 15-30 minute of the session, he told me he will be switching focus to helping the new T get to know me, and we will not be having another session. I knew he was finished with his internship at the end of the month, but we had yet to talk about a specific termination date. There was no real closure, we didn't get to wrap up our time together in a neat little package, and I didn't even really get to address saying goodbye. I have a lot of loss issues, so goodbyes are really important to me...).
My ex is coming to visit this weekend. We are on good terms, but she is often critical of my mental health and how I handle things. I don't want to end up talking to her about how I am doing, and I don't want to have to have my "social" face on all weekend. My moods are really unstable lately. I have a hard enough time being cordial with my family, forget about a guest.
One of my hatchling geckos passed away yesterday because I suck. I'm only doing the bare minimum with them, and it's showing. I am trying to find them new homes, but it's hard to find people who want them (really common type of gecko in the pet trade). Anyway, he died, and I feel like a lousy gecko mom. Sometimes my depression just gets the better of me. Even when I ask my wife for help with them, I am met with resentment and complaining.
Our couple's therapist cancelled today when we were halfway there (a half-hour drive from here). I wasn't really looking forward to talking to her today, but the added change in schedule really threw me off. I didn't realize it till later on, but my wife had be right when she asked if it bothered me that J was cancelling...
I feel like everything is just falling apart instead of getting better. I finally was granted disability, but I don't know what to do next with it. My old T and I had plans to look for a higher level of care (at least a day program) once disability came through, but this new therapist doesn't really get why I would want or need it. She also only has 1 hour a week available. I had been seeing my old T twice a week. She's also more skills-oriented, and I know I definitely need time to process stuff. I'm back to feeling like I really need more than just a one-hour-a-week session. There's too much going on to tackle in that short a time. I still don't really trust her enough to be able to bring up the things I need to in session. I leave there feeling like I just opened the door to things and now I have to hold it together for another week.
I'm lost and cranky and short with everyone and everything. I have no patience. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. Nothing is fun anymore. And the anxiety meds I take just amplify all the mood swings.
I'm so tired of all this. Can it just all go away?

What you are experiencing with the change in therapists is a common pitfall for many people. I don't know how the therapist handles it in private, but they aren't supposed to get emotionally attached or show much empathy. Actually, that is one of the things I don't like about them. It doesn't surprise me that there wouldn't be a specific goodbye time, even if he knew that it was an issue with you. Breaks with therapists are supposed to be clean and final. When they feel you no longer need therapy, and the sessions end, they will not respond to calls, letters or e-mails of a personal nature. If you were to become a patient again, then the relationship would resume, but otherwise, they just break.

Therapists are all different, and if the therapist you have thinks that you don't need more than one hour a week, she may not be what you need. You know how you feel and whether or not the current therapy is working, which I assume its not. If you went to a physician and they told you that you didn't need pain medication for a broken leg, you could just as quickly find one who would say you did. You need to find a therapist that is willing to work with you on a level that you feel comfortable with. If you are really having a lot of trouble, one hour a week is not very much time. Ask for a referal or see if you can find one yourself.

I don't know what kind of geckos you have, though saying that they are common makes me think they are leopard geckos. They have a lot of problems. Your care may not have anything to do with why your gecko died. I see several over the course of a year, and some of the sickest come from very good homes with good care. They tend to have shedding issues which lead to serious eye infections, mouth infections and anorexia. Even though they don't have eye caps per say, their skin covers a small area under the eye lid, and unless the humidity is just right, they tend to not shed that skin. The same goes for the mouth. The old skin sets up an infection and once they can't see well, they stop eating. If you have a veterinarian who is familiar with reptiles, take a couple of your other ones in and have them checked out.
Ideally, they should have 50% humidity which is hard to maintain.

If your ex is coming as a guest, and you feel that you may not handle it well, ask her if she can wait til a better time. You sound as if you are having a bit of a crisis, and that may not be the best time to entertain someone who may come down on your emotional issues. Since you are on good terms, she should understand a rescheduling of a visit.

Take a deep breath and see if you can deal with these problems one at a time. Make yourself a list and prioritize.

Hang in there.

Sam2

Thanks Sam. I think I may try taking to the new therapist this Wednesday and see where we end up.
As for the ex, she is flying down. One had other chances to tell her, but I was I'm a better space then and thought I could handle her visit. now it's the day of her arrival and I have to suck it up for the weekend. Maybe my wife can find some support in her being here, as they both have gone through crap with me.
I forgot you wee a very. Not a leo, a created gecko. They don't much like the new formulation of the food I use, so he wasn't eating as well as he should have. I didn't pick up on it because I don't really check on them as thoroughly as I should when I feed and water. The others are still alive, but the little ones I wOrry about. I'm going to try tweaking their diets by adding fresh fruit once a week of I have the energy. I found another hatchling last night just before I found out Sheldon died. I'm not even incubating the eggs, and the females are all separated out. :/ I wish I could find a buyer for a bulk of the colony, but no one followed through on the purchase. Maybe some day soon?
I'm doing better This morning, so I hope it keeps up at least while the company is here. I can crash again on Monday.

I don't know much about therapy but it sounds a little cold blooded to have left you so abruptly. it sounds strange to me that common practice is to be cold and distant with someone suffering emotionally. Just leaving! I don't get it.
I hope your weekend goes OK. Good luck

D called yesterday and we talked briefly. It seems the end date for his internship was as much a surprise to him as to me. He apologised for handling the termination so poorly. It made me feel a bit better.
Yesterday was a bit awkward with the ex. She seems a bit uncomfortable here, But then again, so do I. Add tried to go places andodo things, and I think it were us out. Should be more low-key.
I'm really lost. I'm not sure what is going on in my head... guess it's better than a breakdown.