[NewYorkGirl]

I already apologize for the random rambling I know this post is going to turn out to be. I just need to vent so badly and I have nobody to talk to.

I feel sad. I feel empty. I feel like I'm exploding inside while I'm just smiling and being completely cool and collected on the outside. I don't really know how to categorize how I'm feeling. Sometimes I 'feel too much' and sometimes I'm just numb. I just can't seem to find a balance.

I live 6,000 miles away from a home that never quite felt like my home. I have abandonment issues; I was abandoned by my birth mother and then adopted and I think my whole life was affected by that very event. I never felt completely and genuinely happy, nor adequate. I always felt like I wasn't enough. I put up walls, I don't let myself get too close to people, I coat everything with irony and sarcasm, I don't want to let people in my life know I'm not okay. Because I'm not. I'm sad and I feel hopeless. I feel stuck in a life that is not really mine. I feel like I've cornered myself one bad choice after the other. I feel like a disappointment.

I see people that make living life seem so easy. They've got it all figured out; they have a life plan, a purpose... And here I am, struggling to get out of bed in the morning, thinking how hard it is to even motivate myself to get dressed to go to class when all I wanna do is to curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. I wish I were passionate about something like other people around me are. But everything seems so futile.

Some days I feel so sad it gets hard to breath because everything hurts. I could be reading a random article about nothing particularly emotional and just feel the need to cry because everything is just too much. I'm overwhelmed and I'm not even sure by what. Sometimes I just want to scream and let it all out, but that would just be too out of character.

I just want to know how to function properly. I want to know how to live life like a normal person. Why is it so hard for me to feel happy, content, loved? I just want to connect like a normal person.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, NewYorkGirl.

Originally Posted by NewYorkGirl

I'm overwhelmed and I'm not even sure by what.

That truly resonates.

Please continue to post. Try not to allow a fear of "rambling" hold you back.

[Perfectly Broken]

I am sorry you feel abandoned. I cannot say that I know exactly how you are feeling, but I feel like I don’t have parents. My mother has etched into my brain that she does not want me. My mother has abandoned me at shopping stores, ripped up my social security card and birth certificate, and has thrown my things (including my bed) outside of the house claiming that I am not her daughter and she would rather see me raped by some random person in a dark alley. This was before I turned 13. I am now 19. It’s hard to feel normal, but the most normal I have felt for years was going onto this forum yesterday.


I can relate to being a different person. I created another person while I attended high school. This other person had a happy, normal life that had plans to go to college and become a doctor. But that wasn’t me, I am someone completely different (and even then I don’t know who I am). I glued a smile onto my face whenever I felt like jumping out of a window. I told people that I had a nice family dinner, even though I actually spent the entire night crying since my paranoid schizophrenic mother was abusive. Every time the cops came over, I didn’t tell anyone outside of my family. I was pulled out in the middle of class frequently to be interrogated by a social worker. I told people it was just my parents telling me to catch the bus home. I had to pretend that everything was okay, so I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom both during class and during free time. I couldn’t hide my life forever, there were so many times I would panic because my real life was crossing into my school life. I didn’t consider anyone a friend, I felt that they were secretly judging me and would betray me at any minute. I took any joke towards me very seriously, it felt like they were attacking me while I was already down in rock bottom. I have spent years wanting to go home, but I have never found my home. My family is very poor and we live off of welfare, and it is very hard to hide poverty. Once I felt I couldn’t take it anymore, I simply abandoned my life and have now spent the last two years existing on my bed, essentially doing nothing. I have cried/sobbed so much that I stopped breathing and my only thoughts were to just end this misery, but I end up taking a breath. My eyes are puffy and tired, but I can never rest. I have tried so many times to kill myself that I feel like it’s really difficult to successfully kill yourself. These episodes are random, especially when the loneliness kicks in.

I always feel like screaming, whether it is physical or emotional pain. The only thing I have found to alleviate this is to silently scream. I scream in my head and I also listen to music with screaming in it. If I’m alone but there are other people around, then I whisper my screams. I don’t know your medical history, but as someone with major/clinical depression, panic attacks, anxiety, social anxiety, migraines, insomnia, dysmenorrhea (severe menstrual pain), and fibromyalgia syndrome (chronic widespread pain), I find it hard just to walk or exist without feeling pain. If you have music, I think it can really help, especially just to sing along. I don’t listen to happy music, they’re always about pain and suffering. It’s hard to live when you feel like you’re constantly fighting, all you want is to just stop, but the fact you have survived through it all has to count for something. You take it one day at a time.

[bharani1008]

I think that it's OK if you don't have it all figured out now. Just because someone else knows exactly what they want doesn't impact on you at all. If you are experiencing depression then of course you need to address that now and give yourself some space to get better. What ever you do, though, keep up your school work. This is a rare chance for a way to control at least some part of your life. Not many people make it into grad school. You are to be congratulated for your achievement.
Probably your school will have a counseling center. Go there soon and get help. There are so many options available. You can get better.
I'm so sorry you feel homeless. I think it is a common modern condition. We leave home to work or study. We don't really think about putting down roots and that catches up with us. Putting down roots means limiting ourselves and making choices to let some things go that may be uncomfortable. I think it can be a tug of war between freedom and choosing some limitations. What would it take for you to feel like you had a home? What actions can you take to make those things happen. Nowadays family often means work people or friends. Extended family is pretty much gone. Believe me, though, extended family also has huge drawbacks, such as conformity , lack of free will, and expectations.
I think that if you can get ahead of this depression you will be in a much better position to look at your life and decide what is really important to you.
I hope you feel better soon

[Lost in this world]

I Totally understand looking at people who know what they want out of life and seem to have it so easy! Counseling seems to be something you might want to look into.

[NewYorkGirl]

Thank you all for the support. I'm trying really hard to push myself to have a semi-normal life but I'm so tired. Making it through just one day feels like running a marathon; my energy level is at an all time low from the very moment I wake up.

[Fuzzybear]

...

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, NewYorkGirl.

That truly resonates.

Please continue to post. Try not to allow a fear of "rambling" hold you back.