[Lost in this world]

I found this Forum looking for a group of people like me. I dont know any people in my life who have had depression like me. I Find it hard to share things with people because im afraid of what they will think. I am 23 years old and most people think I have a nice life when really most days its hard to even get up.

I am naturally a introvert and love to spend my time alone wheather reading a book or listening to my music and when I am really down I listen to intrumental music a lot. With my depression I tend to always say no when people tell me it will get better. My boyfriend is always there for me but its hard to tell him myself how I feel somedays.

Its so easy to make it look like I am happy. I think I have perfected it and no one seems to notice. But when im home alone I cry alot and wish it would go away. I Make myself look good when i go out so people wont ask questions. I dont like to draw any attention to myself.

I beat up myslef a lot when something doesnt go right when most people move on. When something small happens I cant seem to let it go I dwell on it for days. I dont like how people make opinions with out knowing how it feels to have this. It makes it hard to focus on different things it hard to set goals and achieve them.

I hate that I have it. I feel like an outsider. I wish somedays it was like a cold that lasts a week and then it is gone. Sometimes I feel like im struggling under a blanket and it gets hard to keep going.

I take medication for it but when i feel good I stop taking it and I went down hard. My family tries to be there for me its just hard to take it because I like do things on my own because of my introvert side. I hate taking medication because I feel different than most people. Im afraid that I will be taking this for the rest of my life.

I know somtime in the future it might be better.

I just have to keep going.....
:sigh:

[Christina86]

Welcome to the forums. You say you're on meds, have you considered therapy? I went into therapy at around your age (god that makes me feel old at 27!) and it really has been helpful most days.

[Lost in this world]

I went to therapy it was hard to open myself up. I did it for a year and when I thought I didnt need it any more I quit. This depression has its ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like im on top of the world later I would feel like I want to stay inside and not talk to anyone.

[gayleggg]

If your meds are helping please keep taking them. I know from experience that even though I would prefer not to take meds that I can't keep my depression in check if I don't take my meds. This is something that took me a long time to accept. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and misery if I hadn't been so stuborn about not wanting to take meds. I have accepted now that I will always need them or I will become suicial. Therapy is also a good suggestion.
Gayle

[spondiferous]

Yeah I hear ya about the ups and downs. Sometimes everything's going along just fine and I'm like, Hey I can do this! There's nothing wrong with me, what was I thinking? So I go on with my life and then BAM, at some point I just get floored again and I feel like I was such a fool to believe anything would change and can't see anything else in the world.
I never had any therapy until a couple years ago, I'm 34 now. I didn't know it was possible. I thought people just suffered through life, or that I was just some kind of freak and I needed to get over it and because I couldn't there was something wrong with me so I hid away.
I hope that's not the case for you. It's a lonely existence.
Welcome to PC. Hopefully you can find some support here while you figure out what it is that will work best for you.

[Fuzzybear]

.......

[Lost in this world]

I know if I take the medications that they will help me but, I dont like taking meds they make me feel like ill be addicted to them. Or sometimes i think that they wont work on me or ill have some weird side affect that ill never get ride of. I dont like telling doctors what medications im on when I talk to them.

[Perfectly Broken]

I can really relate to a lot you are feeling. I have made it very hard for people to know the true me, and I have been hiding all of my conditions for years. Music helps me a lot with my emotions and feelings, I tend to listen to hard rock and metal. Not a lot of people understand how we feel, they think we can just get over it and that it is “fake.” It isn’t fake, and it is a very real illness. No one likes getting hurt or stigmatized even further, I know certain people get offended if I mention that I have tried to kill myself multiple times. I have always been shy and scared of judgment. I guess this just serves as my foundation for social anxiety, I become anxious and have panic attacks when speaking to someone, especially someone I do not previously know (i.e. anyone not in my family). You shouldn’t stop taking your medication, we use medication that alters our brain chemistry, they make us less depressed, but sudden changes can send us into a spiral. I constantly remind myself about my medication because I become a completely different person without them. I am already depressed, but the non-medicated version of me is even worse. I thought my medication was preventing me from feeling the pain I should feel, but off of it I ended up in my kitchen trying to saw my arm off from the elbow. I take over five medications, and I am now used to it at 19. You can’t stop fighting, even when there isn’t any fight left in you. I feel like I don’t have supporters, and the only boyfriend I had would yell and scream at me if I wasn’t smiling and being “happy” around him. He’s gone now, everyone is gone now, so I stay in my bed taking everything one day at a time.

[Lost in this world]

Ya I dont like how people think that this something we can just get over. People say you can choose to be happy or not. Without my meds i am a different person and my grandma knows and asks fequently if i am taking them. Its tough but I take it one day at a time.