This is very long, but I need help.

Hello,

I'm a young guy, 15 actually, and I've been stuck in this hellhole for 11 years.
I probably suffer from SAD, dysthymia disorder, ADHD and severe depression and my mom has Bipolar disorder type 2 and her whole family is depressed in one way or another.

This will be a long text, but I just need to talk this out since I've been holding it inside of me for years...

When I was a kid, I moved to my grandma's (dad's mom) because mom got "sick" my grandma said and I was around 4 I think. I moved to a place where I didn't have anyone at all, just 3 extremely jumpy dogs and my aunt who's 5 year older than me.

I lived there for 6 months without hearing anything from my mom, her parents or anyone in their family. I was alone. My grandma didn't really treat me like a child, I just had broken toys, I wasn't allowed to watch cartoons and I didn't have any friends at all. I felt like crap since I missed my mom so much. By the way, my mom and dad broke up 2 days before I was born since my dad didn't feel like he was ready (he was 19, mom 18) so I met him for the first time when I was 3. Anyway...

When I turned 5, I was in my room doing something I think and then grandma yelled that there's someone on the phone that wanted to talk to me.

I ran there and picked up the phone and said "Hello?"
"Hey, it's mom. I miss you and wish you a happy birthday."
I couldn't breath, I couldn't say something, I just started crying and ran to my room again. I missed her too much, way too much, it was so hard for me at that age. I hadn't heard from her in 6 months.

After a couple of weeks, grandma told me "You know what? Mom is going to pick you up today and you'll stay there over the weekend." I was so happy! In the end of the day, I waited for mom to pick me up and when I saw here I ran to her and hugged her and cried so much.

We went to eat pizza, and after that we went to her house and it was so fun. I can't remember what we actually did though...

On Sundays, grandma picked me up, and I cried and begged that I wanted to stay here but they put me in the car. When we drove away from the house, I always looked back and I saw mom crying beside her boyfriend and I cried as well. It was horrible.

Every second weekend (is that the right term?) I went to their house, and it continued for a whole year.

One of the last times grandma picked me up, she asked why I wasn't crying when I looked back at mom, I said "I can take care of myself, I don't need mom anymore, I'm big now, I'm big now..." but I almost cried anyway. I still remember that.

The day I turned 6, grandma said that when I'll get home I'll receive a special gift.

I waited for grandma to pick me up at school, but she never came. I waited a pretty long while and then I saw mom coming out of a car and I knew that I was finally moving back home and I ran to her and I was so happy, and I met my little brother for the first time for 1,5 years.

When I moved to mom, I began in a new school, and I became bullied. A lot.
But I think I know why as well. I was very different from the other ones in my class.
You see, I was not born as a boy, I was born female and since I was really, really, really boyish at a early age, I became bullied. I had no friends at all. Mom kept telling me that it's good to be different and that I should ignore them but I just couldn't.

One time, there was a girl in my class who called me and said that I should take my bike down to the lake so we can hang out. Of course I went there! When I arrived though, there was more of them and they kept calling me stuff, which I can't remember but I remember that I took the bike home while I was crying and I didn't go to school for a whole week. I lost my trust for everybody I knew.

Mom couldn't take it while the whole town hated us (no kidding) so we moved into the city, into a small apartment and I began in a new school again. I was frightened. I didn't know anyone. I became bullied there as well, but then I lied, A LOT, to get friends.

It wasn't that smart though. I remember that I told someone, can't recall who it was, that it felt like I was in a deep whole and no one tried to help me to get out of there. I was 8.

There was though one girl I just couldn't lie to because... I fell in love and I felt so weird. "Girls aren't supposed to fall in love with girls...", but she was the only one who was nice to me.

In 4th grade (when I was 9), I cut my hair, started to wear "boy"-clothes, and people who didn't know me did really think I was a guy, and I loved it. I didn't know why though. I couldn't change clothes during gymclass since it felt so... I just... It was horrible. I cried when they made me do it anyway. I never attended to gymclass and after a while they made me go our schools counselor. I talked to her and she said that I should talk to mom about this.

When I'm thinking back there, I know that I was depressed at an age of 6-7.

In fifth grade, I cut my hair even more, and I really looked like a boy and I loved it. Mom didn't care at all though. She loved me anyway.

My grades dropped a lot, I became more depressed, I slept too much, I slept too little, I didn't eat and I didn't know why.

Mom became very worried and she contacted my counselor. I don't know more than that.

The summerbreak between 5th and 6th grade, when I was 12, I watched a program called "Transgender Kids" when I was at my grandma's (mom's mom) house. I thought it was interesting so I watched it.

And I... Saw a guy who was born a girl, like me, but 2-3 years older, and I cried. I couldn't stop crying. That was me. I felt like that. I texted my mom and she just said "Let's talk about it when you come home.". She accepted the fact that her daughter wanted to become a boy at an early age.

Anyway, I began a new school, the girl I was in love with began in the same class though, and the people who bullied me was strictly forbidden to begin in the same class as me.

New school, new classmates, new teachers... It was scary, actually. I told my teacher right away that I felt like a boy and she avoided saying "she" and my name, as well.

That year... It turned my life.

I was on this site for cheat codes for games and I saw this girl on the site and I sent a PM, and said "it's not often you see girls around here.". My profile said that I was a boy so she didn't know.
And we started talking, a lot, and eventually I got her number and she lived 8 hours away from me.
But we talked, and talked, and eventually... Feelings started to appear. Strong feelings.
I wasn't in love with the other girl no more but I fell in love again.

And I wasn't the only one. She had strong feelings for me as well. But we didn't want to get into a relationship since we didn't want to destroy our friendship so we just had awkward talk everyday.
We met for the first time 6 months after we started to talk to each other and it was amazing. I was so nervous but it was fun.

After a while, we got together. After almost 8 months of awkward conversations we got together. In a distance relationship, I was 13, she was 14 and it went really good.

But I still was depressed and it affected school a lot. I stayed at home and slept all day and cried while I was awake. We went to a childtherapist and mom, for the first time, told me why she was "sick".
She has Bipolar syndrome type 2 and she was at the hospital all the time and I might have it as well...
Anyway...

In the beginning of 7th grade I changed my name and became fully a boy in my school and everybody accepted that. It felt great! But, I still felt like **** and I just couldn't do anything about it. Meanwhile, M said that THEY didn't feel like neither a boy or a girl and it affected me a lot, even though I was transsexual. I just couldn't deal with it but I had to. I loved M and I chose to stay with them no matter what.

In the end of 7th grade I began with "stop-hormones" that stops my puberty and after that, I changed. My mood dropped, my depression got a lot worse, I became aggressive, my selfconfidence dropped and I took it all out on M which made M extremely sad of course. I wanted to leave them alone, but I couldn't. So I started to isolate myself from everyone I knew.

I stopped eating as well for a while...
In 8th grade I became so stressed that I had a lot of anxietyattacks when I was in school, so I stayed at home and... Slept.

8th grade was horrible. I didn't have any friends, but M was still with me, and I still loved them.

In the end of 8th grade, anyway, a doctor told me that I might be able to both get testosteroneshots (male hormones) and a breastsurgery. I was so happy, and it was the first time in months.

Now it's the end of the summerbreak and... It feels like I just can't make it. Not again.
M is still with me but I can't talk to them since I have troubles opening myself to other people, but now I did it anyway...
It feels like that I'm lost in a long dark tunnel and I have nowhere to go, I have no one to talk to and I feel too bad to do anything about it. I can't eat, I sleep too little, I sleep too much, I can't do anything. I just want to disappear. The only thing I have is my guinea pigs and I need to take care of them. I can't make them suffer just because I suffer.

I can't concentrate on anything and my memory is terrible.

I'm sure I have something since you're not supposed to feel like **** for 10 years like this. I don't know what to do anymore..
I need someone. Anyone...
I've been crying the whole time as I've been typing this...


Sorry if there are some grammar mistakes. English is not my main language, and thank you if you read the whole text...

I don't know if this is the right place to post this too as well.

Hello & Welcome, Frebber! This is one of the right places for your post. You might consider posting also in Sexual and Gender Issues, School and Study Issues, Survivors of Abuse (you have been bullied), and Relationships and Communication.

Addressing depression/mood disturbance in your situation is made more complex by the hormones. You need to speak with a medical professional who is knowledgeable of both depression and transgender chemistry.

Thank you for joining! Please make yourself at home here.

Hi Frebber and welcome. You'll find people with all kinds of stories here. You'll probably find a lot of people in a similar situation as you. It sounds like you have several situations going on at the same time. I hope you will talk to someone and hopefully get some guidance on how todeal with the complexity you face. As Rohag pointed out, there are several forums for very specific issues.
Whatever happens please feel comfortable posting here. We're here to listen.

Frebber,
welcome to the forum. Most people who are transgendered go through a lot of emotional pain. Not just from the people who bully them, but from finding out who you really are, being ashamed and guarded around people and many times, family issues.

Despite the other things going on, you are lucky to be able to put a finger on what is going on so early in life. No matter how you look at it, its a traumatic situation. If you are in a position to start changing your gender, you might want to consider changing high schools. Start the new school as a guy and get a note to excuse you from gym class. You have a long road ahead of you, but I think you will find that what you have to go through to be in the right body is well worth it. Its very difficult for people to understand, but if you look on line, you might be able to find a transgender support group in your area. They can give you information on the process of changing,

Despite the fact that most T.V. shows tend to make them out as weird, flamboyant or criminals. Once you have gone through the process, you will feel better. The place to start is with a psychologist, preferably one who has dealt with gender dysphoria.

Sam2