[htebsiL radnalaS]

continued from here: click: my recent sad post

so i tried sleep and things don't look better.

haven't heard from bf except once sent text on thurs saying i'd sent confusing messages and that we'd talk later.

then yester he left message saying he'd be available all weekend if i wanted to talk. i haven't called and he hasn't called back either.

i am holding out because i think it's best to wait and see what he's capable of. will he come to me with humility and humbleness? will he miss me enough and appreciate me enough to make a bold next move?

i had been holding my breath for certain things to be aligned before i talked with him about some things that became a problem for me. and then the made this accusation in a text that something seemed deceptive with me saying i'd be spending 2 nights in hotel with parents and that we'd talk whenever.

i felt shocked & angry and hurt with his "whenever" comment. then he hung up on me 3x when i tried to call and talk.

all this while my parents were here. when i should've been focused on them i was instead focused on trying to resolve this. i went to his place to talk in person after his work but he never showed up. i called several times and no answer. eventually two hours after work he called and said he didn't want to talk now.

i had now gotten suspicious of him after this incident and numerous times him not trusting me. i was playing out in my head that he was with some coworker. i asked he said he was alone. i said i was waiting for him at his place. he said if i was staying there that he'd stay somewhere else. i asked who with and he said alone. i don't really think he was with anyone but it was my fear.

when i asked what i could be deceiving him about he said he hadn't said that but that he had said it seemed deceptive. i tried to keep talking but he hung up. i was furious and felt pushed too far. i left a note saying i couldn't believe he was dumping this while my folks visited and that he had succeeded in pushing away someone who had been committed and monogamous and faithful. i took all my stuff from his place. i wrote that if he wanted to use the note as some evidence that i'd been deceptive, that he should think twice.

i even sent email saying it made sense my message to stay in hotel didn't make sense and that i was sorry and explained what had changed. though i also sent this info without the empathy or apology in text right after his intitial text saying it seemed deceptive.

often what seemed like great anger from him in my interpretation later he either downplays or my perception was off. keep in mind i grew up terrified of my dad's rage so i am sensitive to that also.

it's all his hanging up that pisses me off and now as i think of it i think well, he has the right to not talk to me, to end a conversation if he wants.

his response to that was a text the next day saying not to worry and to focus on parents and that we'd talk and besos (kisses) the way we usually end notes. i was confused because it didn't seem to fit after my note and taking my stuff. i thought he must be in some denial or something. then yesterday this message about being available all weekend to talk, but no besos or any other terms of endearment we usually use. at the time i thought, that's it??

i want more from him to initiate any talking. and i wonder if i'm not being unreasonable or acting from victim mode like, "i'm so hurt and angry. you have to show me you care first... you have to show me you can own your part in all this after all my attempts..." on some level it sounds like pride and i'm a firm believer that when pride begins, love ceases... there is no room for pride in love. that's my belief.

after all i had been holding in, wanting more affection, wanting more appreciation/recognition, his drinking, the disrespect i feel sometimes. i have been working on my part; to be more self-sufficient regarding affection and appreciating myself, and taking care of myself and speaking up when i feel disrespected. all that has helped me and i'm glad for the strength i've gained. i thought he had integrity and was trustworthy. now i see less and less of that.

i'm sad thinking of being alone again. my bday is in sept and i'm afraid of being alone then. and in general don't want to be alone. i have no friends. i'm thinking of getting a dog. it will occupy my time and energy so that i won't miss humans so much.

i am glad for the time with my dad and how our relationship took such a beautiful turn.

i don't know if i should call my bf. i don't know if i am being unreasonable by not calling.

ultimately i think what i am saying to myself is that unless he can show he has more to give then i'm done. am i wanting too much?

is being with someone i feel criticized and disrespected by and unappreciated better than being alone? what about the fact that how i feel is MY responsibilty and not his. the fact that i feel criticized disrespected and unappreciated and the fact that that is exactly my issue with my parents growing up means that the feelings are all mine.

i am sensitive to feeling criticized and disrespected and unappreciated and i want to be tougher. like Lisbeth Salandar character in Dragon Tattoo trilogy. i love her toughness her survival her NOT letting feelings of victim take over. i don't want to feel victimized. truth is i feel victimized by my bf and i think there is something not realistic in that. i am not a victim. so that makes me wonder if i shouldn't just call him...

i'm not clear if i'm not calling him out of pride and feeling victimized and hurt or am i not calling out of clear boundaries and strength?

[htebsiL radnalaS]

He called today. Said using the word deceptive and saying "see u whenever" was his way of saying my text about staying overnight was confusing and he'd see me later.

I have to remember that he is human and was triggered by me. He probably felt scared and hurt tho never admit it. As for me, I was already stressed with parents visit and have been feeling fed up by what i experience as criticism and anger from him.

I know I'm highly sensitive to both anger and criticism. and saw it in action with and from my parents. My mother is critical with me beyond belief and my father rages when he drinks. And the dynamic between them is sad.

Also have been getting more and more convinced my bf has lied to me a few times. Something i never thought he'd do. My trust was one thing holding me to him. I have no absolute proof.

After a weekend spent in tears and deep depression working at accepting that we were over he calls this a.m. i feel deflated and confused and sort of relieved but not really.

So maybe we both overreacted.

Trust is clearly an issue for both of us. I'm not sure how to address it. I dont want to confront only because I don't think it's effective. Especially not with him. Maybe I'll talk about how much I trusted him in the beginning but some things just dont fit. And just talk about trust in general and what we think its value is in a relationship. Maybe ask him if he thinks it's important to come clean after telling a lie. And I'll keep working on taking my power back and stop handing it over to him so much. And continue with my physical activities and losing weight.

So seems we're not over yet and I'm in a relationship that feels lousy. And the fact that I know I'm part of the problem means there is more work to be done. I want us to be candid with each other. I probably need to just do it and see if he can join me. But how to express things without sounding confrontational. Stick with I statements. And i learned even saying "i felt suspicious" isn't as effective as "i felt sad" and then talking about what i thought may have been happening. I have a script that helps.

I see my therapist today. I want answers and not more questions. It helps me to understand the dynamics that are happening, like talking about why we choose the partners that we choose. And seeing where I'm repeating dynamics and things like that.

[Fuzzybear]

........

[htebsiL radnalaS]

so after therapy i feel a bit better. we're going to work on me taking things to an extreme and working myself into a frenzied panic. and i'm going to practice noticing when i shift from adult to panicked child. and writing what is going on with me and challenging my thinking. the shift happens so fast it will be hard. but i'll try it. she also wants me to start reaching out and stop isolating so much. i really let myself sink this weekend. i think the stress of my parents visit and getting my period and the full moon all made me very vulnerable. so when bf reacted i reacted big time. unlike one time when he left a message with some stupid accusation and i just hung up and chuckled and went about my day like nothing. it was a good moment for me. i was strong and centered and didn't get hooked into his drama. i will forgive myself this past weekend of despair. i was dealing with a lot.

i've been feeling a bit anxious that I'll sink again. but i will chalk that up to still healing from this weekend.

we talked more tonight. he has some immature perspectives on how relationships work. we talked about telling each other what we need when the other person is doing it. told him i don't have ESP. he takes things personally a lot. the thing is he doesn't see that in himself. anyway. i imagine everybody including me have their immature perspectives. i take things personally too. i just have to stay centered in myself when i know that what i am asking or wanting or saying or needing is reasonable.

he said that the last couple of times that i texted changing our plans, albeit minor inconvenience to him, he didn't like it. so that's fine. i can stop texting stuff other than hi.

i asked if next time he would ask for what he wants if i don't give it to him. i think it's more about the texting and less about me not elaborating in the text why the change was happening. okay. i know texting can be weird.

i am going to talk with him about all the things i think he thinks of me. negative things. things that i don't think are accurate and only keeps us distant. resentments.

i'm going to talk with him about trust and bring up the couple of things i highly doubt are truth.

it will be good. i've been waiting til now to talk with him about a lot of this. so now it's time. and i will remain calm and strong. it makes sense to me that this weekend was super hard for me also because i finally got my car and that's one of the things i was waiting for before i talked with him. i wanted to have the independence and security of a car in case things fell apart. there are several difficult things that i've been waiting to address til i had my car. like suing and ex in small claims and taking my beloved Quito for cremation. so while getting the new car is wonderful it also means i have to face some things that will be difficult.

my fears are that he won't fess up to what he has lied about. that he won't want to talk. that i'll burst with everything that i've been holding in.

what i hope for is that we'll have good productive talks that bring us closer. maybe i'll start with that. that i want us closer.

and if he doesn't want to talk or gets defensive, i don't know. i'll back off or i'll keep pushing. sometimes reality rises when people are pushed to the point of anger. not so that we're saying mean things we'd regret. but so that we can be candid and frank and real.

we have to get on the same page on several things like communicating needs and accepting that we'll hurt each other without intention. and that if i insist on doing something my way it isn't a personal insult to him. i have to remember that despite his denial he is very sensitive. and i can certainly relate to that.

it helps so much to type here. it has a different purpose than journaling for me. because something about putting it out there knowing others will read this.

i'm going to talk to him about how just stopping saying negative things isn't enough. he has to work on recognizing the positive. there are several things he used to have issue with me about. i have worked on them. he may roll his eyes not thinking i've done enough. that will be another thing, his eye rolling. it's very negative for me. if he doesn't think i've done enough, that will be a problem for me. i experience him as dismissive often and that has to stop too. there is a lack of respect that i experience. i've told him many times that he treats me like we're siblings, you know the way siblings bicker and fight and get ridiculous sometimes with all the history between them.

so i'll make a list of things i think he thinks of me.
and a list of things to talk about: trust, expressing needs, respect, eye rolls, hanging up on me, dismissing things i say

i will start with "i feel_____ sad. when you _____ i think _____."

I just sent him an article that talks about how we choose our mates

i said how much i love him and how important we are to me and how i think this article sheds some light on where we are right now... i feel very good about it. it will be interesting to see how he responds. i very much believe in what the article talks about. if he doesn't agree i'm not sure what more we can do. it takes two to make it work. it only takes one to break it. he may say that if we have to work that hard then what's the point. and that will make the decision for me. people study for their jobs and take training but some people think that relationships should just happen "naturally." i disagree. if we can't agree on this article as having a lot of truth and wisdom in it i can't see how this will work. i won't be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's supposed to happen just because we love each other...