[sara.b]

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm not sure where to start, but I'll just fill you in on my background and any advice would be appreciated.

I've been suffering from depression since my teens. I've been on all kinds of meds and various docs. I've had varying successes here and there, but I'm still just as isolated as the day I moved to this town.

I've moved far from my family (and it should probably stay that way....long story.) I don't have any friends. No boyfriend. My office is one big clique of people 10 years younger. In the past few years, I've had to go to the emergency room by myself (mortifying and scary experience.) When i got into a car accident, the policeman kept asking if I had someone to call for a ride and I had to say 'no'..much to his confusion. I had to put of a minor medical procedure because it requires an escort home that must sign off on my release. And those are just the big issues. There are moments all the time when I need some support, sometimes emotional, sometimes just a good laugh or an extra set of hands while doing a simple home repair, but there's no one.

I have some acquaintances that I see every couple months, but no one to really lean on. How do you call someone you haven't seen in 3 months to take you to the emergency room or give you an asap ride home?

My facebook is filled with high school classmates and some local acquaintances. I've stopped posting regularly. It's too depressing to see my 'friends' get 18 likes and 10 comments for the most trivial of status updates, then when I post a major event, and I'm lucky if I get a comment or two or a like. As pathetic as it sounds, my best (and only) friend is my dog and I'm so frightened because he's terminally ill.

When i do get an invite somewhere, I don't want to be the only one that shows up alone...especially when the host will be literally the only person there I know, so I don't go. I'm socially awkward enough around people I know...forget a room full of strangers. When someone asked me if I had help with all the packing and unpacking when I moved, I didn't wan to lie, but I was too embarrassed to say that I had to do every last bit myself.

Every time someone comes into my life that could be a friend, I'm so embarrassed that I don't have friends that I keep them at a distance so they don't find out...and the cycle continues.

I've been looking for a local depression support group, thinking that would be a good first step, but I can't find any in my area.

Sorry this got too long. I guess there were some things I just needed to get out.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

[Heather11]

I can empathize with your situation and so sorry you feel this way. I'm in a very similar situation when it comes to having go-to people. It's been making my depression and anxiety worse when I think of it, and that's been a lot lately. I have a lot going on to take care of and I feel like I have no one to be there for me for support and the people that I even consider calling, I just feel like I'd be bothering them.
I wish I had a great solution for you. I've had to deal lately by adjusting meds. I try to think positive and do affirmations but it's a constant battle it seems. You're not alone and reading your post helped me today

[psychmajortwenty2]

I understand you both completely.

I had friends... then I got depression. I was open with people about it. I didn't necessarily expect them to support me (I've been a weird fiercely independent person all of my life), but I guess I didn't expect them to shun me because of it!

So now I've moved back home and I'm kind of alone too. I have some friends but again, not really go to people. My one go-to person is moving to a different city for his PhD..

I'm also afraid of exhausting people too.. if I do find a go-to person. I had a friend who waited with me the 8 hours one time in a waiting room to see a doctor when I was feeling extremely suicidal.. and she was awesome. I honestly thought she deserved sainthood for that. But then afterwards, while she really wanted me to get better and everything, she didn't want to hang out. She said I was "emotionally exhausting" to hang out with. I appreciate her telling me the truth and everything, no matter how hard that was to hear. But now I'm afraid of leaning on someone again because I don't want to exhaust the people I care about....

It's a hard situation.. but I guess that's what this is for. We could all support each other?? Feel free to friend request me or I could friend request you. Whatever you guys want. I'm just happy to be on here to not feel alone with my craziness.

[online user]

Sara, I wonder if you have the resources to seek a therapist and discuss this? I'm thinking if you were seeing a T. when you meet someone who might be a potential friend, the T. might be able to give you guidance or reassurance enough to help you realize that potential rather than shy away from it as in the past.

One thing you might think about is that whatever you say to someone else, they take it with less expectations than you give it--they don't know what you intend to say or want to say, so whatever comes out sounds pretty good to them. You may be over analyzing things and making them worse in your mind than they really are. You express yourself very well here. I suspect you do in person as well. You probably do better in social situations than you realize. Be kind to yourself--you are probably just fine.

I remember the first party to whichI went after I was divorced--and it was a costume party, of all things, before Halloween! I felt so awkward, but it went OK and I was really empowered that I was able to go and stay for a couple of hours by myself. At least, I knew most of the people from work. I tried to sit in a bunch of people so there was conversation going on all around and I joined in some of it when I could. The first was the worst, after that, it got easier.

[Perfectly Broken]

Same here. Only I have zero social contact. I stopped using facebook altogether as well since no one seemed to notice my profile and I also have nothing happy to report. I graduated high school early, yet I'm the one who didn't go to college and is stuck at home while my high school senior class is already halfway done with their college degrees.

I don't think it's pathetic to have friends in animals (else that would make me pathetic). My best friends are my two dogs and two cats, they do not judge me or hold grudges. My psychologist said it's normal since she has other patients just like me that trust and connect with animals better than with humans. My human best friend is my brother, but since he left to join the military, it's like he was sucked into a black hole that took him away.

Loneliness is very bad for your health. I have suspended the problem by just accepting I'm alone and I'll stay alone when it comes to human friends who go out and do normal human things. I've never felt like I had friends and the one thing that caused myself so much pain was looking and hoping for friends (real friends). I cry every now and then about it, but I just remind myself of the different excuses I have made.

[sara.b]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I really appreciate it.

Heather, I think you're right about the social isolation making anxiety and depression worse. I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac (ok, more than a little.) I'm pretty sure it's because I feel I need to get ahead of what could be a serious condition before it leaves me helpless with no one to help. Basically, "I better find out if this ache is a serious issue, while I'm still able to drive myself to an appointment." I'm making myself nuts over trying to stay in control.

Online User, thanks for the advice. I am seeking a new therapist right now and have vowed to be 100% open with them. I've had several therapists in the past and, while I've never lied to them, I've never told any of them the whole truth. My last therapist would ask me what I did for social activity and I would say "I went to book club last week" or "I volunteered on Sunday." And while it was always true, I'd leave out the part about those activities being sporadic and that there were no people that I got together with regularly.

I know, I know, I only hurt my progress. Even to my therapist, though, I didn't want to look too pitiful. Someone posted on these boards recently about the need to say they're "fine." that's totally me....even to my therapists to a degree. My next issue to tackle, along with the isolation, is the ability to be "not fine" when someone asks...which probably goes hand in hand with the isolation.

For everyone that feels the same, I'd never wish this on anyone, but it's still nice to know I'm not alone.

[Arha]

Some if what you are saying is really similar to social phobia. The worrying about what people will think, and avoiding situations because of it, and being embarrassed about your lack of contacts.
Can you deal with this in small ways, just as social phobics have to learn to do, by pushing yourself just a little bit, and going to one thing you are invited to? When you are there, focus on other people. With social phobia people think about what others might be thinking of you, so make yourself think about what they are wearing, ask what they have been doing, and really listen to them. Take your focus off you and whether or not you are fitting in. People really like to be listened to.

[Fuzzybear]

.......

[StrongerMan]

I can relate to the vicious cycle. My go to self "medication" is being alone away from the "noise" in the world. But I am unemployed and isolating is not going to help that. Big time "noise" in the dog eat dog job market. Especially now. It seems to come a lot easier to others. Friends have always been transient in my life. Usually people I worked with. Either I change jobs or they or I move away or just move on. But the world is a cruel place to be alone. I am having a hard time finding and excepting the help I need from people. Probably a trust issue with me. I have little faith that anyone will except me as I am.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I can understand the fear of emotionally exhausting people. I've had this fear for a long time and am just now getting over it. I find that you will push people away sometimes, but more will stick around. Sound things by yourself can be hard, but it is important to do it to avoid isolating yourself. Maybe start by going to Ihop in the middle of the night. Often, the waiters are bored and chatty and you can practice your social skills. I understand the harshness of being alone, but it is good for your health to own it until you can change it.

[sara.b]

thanks again, everyone, for the support. I didn't mean to go MIA, but I've had a really rough week.

My birthday was last week...at least the 10th year in a row I spent alone, doing nothing and seeing no one. I used to at least take the day off work, treat myself to a massage or mani/pedi, get a cake and some good takeout, now I just move about like it's a regular day. It's too depressing to face it anymore.

I also found out that my dog, and only friend, will probably not be with me much longer. It could be a matter of days. i'm taking him back to the vet in a couple days to see what they say, but it doesn't look good. The only other time I've had to let go of a pet, he was suffering quite a bit and the decision was easy. This time, my pup is still eating and drinking and moving about, but he's clearly not happy or comfortable...and unless the vet finds the miracle combo of meds, he's not going to improve. It's so hard to know what to do. He's not completely down and out yet, so I've been crying constantly the past week. Partly about losing my best friend, but also worried that I'll either prolong his discomfort or give up on him too soon.

Sorry, I'm rambling again...

Hawkspur, you've got good insight. I definitely have social phobia/anxiety. I once heard some one give some tough love to social phobics: "It's not all about you!" It's so dead on with my mindset, when I'm around people. I'm worried I'll say something stupid...I won't know anyone...I won't have anything to say....I...I...I... I will take your advice and try to focus on others the next time I'm out somewhere. Honestly, I never got past the "it's not all about me" to what it really IS about. And you just hit the nail on the head...focusing on others. thank you for that!

henrydavidtherobot (great screen name!), I love your idea of IHOP! I'll have to try it late one friday night.

[Arha]

Hey sara.b
Firstly: Belated birthday wishes!
Congratulations on another year of experiences and therefore accumulated wisdom.

You might not think to congratulate yourself on this so that is why we others are here.

Secondly, it isn't so much insight, as it is recognition. I have social phobia too, and those are skills I have to practice myself when I go out. I learned them from a social phobia group therapy thing I went to. Sounds kind of odd to do group therapy for social phobia, but it really helped. Some things are more obvious in others, like recognizing patterns and excuses...we are very good at justifying things to ourselves, but really recognize those justifications in others as a defence rather than a reason.

I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I went through that with my two previous dogs, who had to be put down before things got too bad. Trust yourself to know when your pet is not getting any joy in their life, or not getting enough to balance out their pain, or at risk of catastrophic pain.
(By the last category I mean like what was the deciding factor for one of mine: he had bone cancer, which while it was only causing a slight limp, but meant the leg was at risk of breaking easily, which would have put him in great pain, and there would have been no treatment that would help.)
Your pet trusts you, and while it is a huge responsibility, you have built up a relationship that means you deserve that trust, and can make the call at the right time, with the advice of a vet.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by sara.b

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm not sure where to start, but I'll just fill you in on my background and any advice would be appreciated.

I've been suffering from depression since my teens. I've been on all kinds of meds and various docs. I've had varying successes here and there, but I'm still just as isolated as the day I moved to this town.

I've moved far from my family (and it should probably stay that way....long story.) I don't have any friends. No boyfriend. My office is one big clique of people 10 years younger. In the past few years, I've had to go to the emergency room by myself (mortifying and scary experience.) When i got into a car accident, the policeman kept asking if I had someone to call for a ride and I had to say 'no'..much to his confusion. I had to put of a minor medical procedure because it requires an escort home that must sign off on my release. And those are just the big issues. There are moments all the time when I need some support, sometimes emotional, sometimes just a good laugh or an extra set of hands while doing a simple home repair, but there's no one.

I have some acquaintances that I see every couple months, but no one to really lean on. How do you call someone you haven't seen in 3 months to take you to the emergency room or give you an asap ride home?

My facebook is filled with high school classmates and some local acquaintances. I've stopped posting regularly. It's too depressing to see my 'friends' get 18 likes and 10 comments for the most trivial of status updates, then when I post a major event, and I'm lucky if I get a comment or two or a like. As pathetic as it sounds, my best (and only) friend is my dog and I'm so frightened because he's terminally ill.

When i do get an invite somewhere, I don't want to be the only one that shows up alone...especially when the host will be literally the only person there I know, so I don't go. I'm socially awkward enough around people I know...forget a room full of strangers. When someone asked me if I had help with all the packing and unpacking when I moved, I didn't wan to lie, but I was too embarrassed to say that I had to do every last bit myself.

Every time someone comes into my life that could be a friend, I'm so embarrassed that I don't have friends that I keep them at a distance so they don't find out...and the cycle continues.

I've been looking for a local depression support group, thinking that would be a good first step, but I can't find any in my area.

Sorry this got too long. I guess there were some things I just needed to get out.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

I also moved far from my family and it was in part for my sanity.

I think when there is an emergency you call whoever. People like to feel helpful. I ask for help all the time from people who aren't friends. I often get a positive response. I asked for help from a friend I hadn't talked to in many many months. She couldn't help but I appreciated her sincere apology.

It isn't pathetic about you and your dog. I lost my two beloved furry friends recently and they were my longest relationship, 20 years! I'm not ashamed because I believe animals are better than humans are love and companionship. There are people in relationships, living with someone, who are closer to their furry pal.

I don't use facebook because I don't see the point. I don't have friends really and I certainly don't need to be on a site that is only going to make me feel bad about not having tons of friends. It's too superficial for me to think that anyone can have hundreds of friends.

I think it's good to find a support group. If not in real life, then online. One thing that has helped me a lot has been coming on this site. What has helped me the most has been writing responses to others. I talk about my own experience as it relates to their story and I always end up learning something about myself or reaffirming myself or validating myself. Like now, with you. I feel grateful for your post because it gave me an opportunity to give to myself.

The other thing is volunteering. Similar to helping here, volunteering helps me get out of myself by helping others who have less than I do. It also helps my own perspective on my life and helps me appreciate what I DO have.