[Soul_seeker]

I've always hated that saying "oh ignore them, they're just attention seeking" I usually hear this when someone's **** has hit the fan and they're threatening to sabotage everything they've built up, or run away from it all, or kill themselves. It's called "a cry for help" if you don't make too much of a song and dance about it that is. But if you cross this invisible line, the line of other peoples tolerance (I guess) then its' no longer a cry for help, its' attention seeking and attention seekers will be ignored.

When I was in care this happened several times to me and others. The staff.. (the STAFF!) would tell everyone to stay away and ignore them. I never listened to them! In the end they (the staff) would call me in to help.. because all cards on the table, their methods don't work and mine did.

The first thing I always say is "I know you want to kill yourself, I believe every word you say. But I also know, you'd give anything to be at your own funeral just to say "Do you SEE it now?" I know because I feel that way too". That one little line gets the bathroom door unlocked every time.

I'm far from care now. I'm 37 and I'm currently the one threatening to kill myself. And I am being ignored. I've cried wolf too many times already. I used to have suicdial episodes every time I came on a period. I had such a emotional upbringing, it took a lot of years for the doc and myself to realize I should probably be on mood-meds around my period. They are anti-biotics, strange as that sounds they 'seem' to serve me well.

I'm writing I guess to make sense of the past few days. My previous suicide attempts were pretty pathetic. Trouble is with most of them, you have too much time to think.. please understand NOBODY WANT TO DIE.. THEY NO LONGER WANT TO LIVE. There's a huge difference. Much like everyone else contemplating calling it a day, I fear death.. I fear having a self-induced heart-attack and being aware of it.. I fear survival and perminant damage.

I am so used to suicidal days, I have them all through-out the year and for the most part I ignore them, whether life is great or not. I can have sleeping pills whenever I ask for them (but only 4 at a time) to get through it. It's been happening since my parents split up and my mum became even more violent and even more in denial about it. Who wouldn't be used to it by now?

The thing is though.
It's just TOO easy now.
Now i'm in this 'nice' period I'm worried about '******' me. She might just do this. She still has the ducting. But then, this is what I want right? I don't want to go on.

I don't get me, or life, I never will.
Because today I'm high on life, I'm positive, I feel like I can do things to get out of this rut, this solitude, this non-existence I created for myself.

For the record its' not manic-depression (bi-polar)
It's borderline personality disorder with 'manic tendancies' WHATEVER the **** that means. Because even after many years of working with the mental health team.. I still don't know.

HELP
hah!
Apparently we are the hardest of all to help. I agree, I really do think the service is **** and since I have the label to go with it, my calls of "THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME" are, just like my despairing suicidal moments...they are ignored.

Is this a cry for help, another case of the attention seekers?
Probably. I couldn't say for sure, I needed to get it off my chest. Maybe see if I'm not alone here, or maybe have someone call out my ****, make me cry and feel ashamed of myself, wake me up in some way.. maybe that's what I need. I have no clue what I need, or even want at this point. I'm just glad I didn't kill myself this week, because the ****ing house was in a RIGHT STATE until today! I didn't even shave my legs ffs.. that's no way to go out.

Btw, my name is Mel.

[spondiferous]

Hi Mel.
I would ignore people who say that. No matter who they are. And remind professionals in that field that they are professionals in that field and it's entirely unethical to make such accusations and admonitions. And as for everyone else...well, it's impossible to educate absolutely everyone, and even if you could, depression is one of those things that kinda sucks your energy and organizational skills and pretty much everything else so it's kind of impossible to do much of anything.
I'm with you though. I have experienced this. Many of us with depression have experienced this. Hopefully you're having a slightly better time of it now.

[online user]

Thanks for posting. Hope it helped you to feel better, getting out some of your frustration. Depression is a devastating illness, in whatever form it takes.

[Fuzzybear]

..........

[Grey Matter]

None of us our attention seeking. Take of from a depressive with anxiety PTSD and a possible eating disorder and self harm. I want no attention.

[don964964]

just

" why do you smile all the time ? " " cause everything is so god dam hilarious "

sorry man ... but standing by a grave is not a happy thing
I cant even picture standing by my own when I am in it..
well that wont happen I aint getting incased in cement in a box ..... morbid as hell

[tealBumblebee]

Hi Mel. Welcome to the board. I loved your post, and I do not think you are an attention seeker. At all.

[Nammu]

I don't want to live/be in pain VS I want to die, you are right there's a difference.

I'm not surprised it is an antibiotic that you need, my down cycles also coincided with my periods, and anti-depression, antipsychotic meds made it worse. Avoiding processed food and white sugar helped.

[nija43]

Hi Mel,

Your posting caused me to become a member here so that I could say "Thanks" for your words.

I don't see myself as an attention seeker. But, overall, what you wrote is personally significant for me. I have made several attempts at suicide and each time I could see myself at my own funeral saying to everyone there "See? See? Do you people finally understand?"

I have some experience with the staff of psychiatric hospitals since I've been hospitalized four times, most recently last summer. There have been good staff and indifferent staff. (Is "indifferent" the same as "bad"?)

Previously, my attempts at suicide had been, like you say, pathetic because I had too much time to think about doing it. The attempt last summer changed all that when I did, in fact, carry through on an attempt. This is where your words have the most impact for me.

When I barely regained consciousness, I was in a hospital and saw a nurse and my wife next to my bed. The nurse said "We saved you by about two minutes". I looked at my wife and quietly said "I don't want to die". She began to cry a bit. As I felt my body going back to sleep, I told her "But I don't want to live either".

Later, when I was awake and more aware of what was going on, my wife said that I had been unconscious for 2 1/2 days and that they were waiting for me to stabilize before sending me to a psychiatric hospital (on what was to be my third, and worst, stay at one particular hospital).

So I understand some of what you wrote and just want to say "Thank you". Your posting had a lot of meaning for me and made me think about things.

Nija

[jk2833]

I really Hate that term 'attention seeking' if only my parents had realised that I was not doing this when I was nine years old I wonder if my depression and mental health issues would not be as bad?

J

[avlady]

I also think periods in women are a bad problem to have. I sufferred for over 40 years of bad periods, then finally got a thermal ablation coblation, i'm not sure if its called that but they thermally burn out your uterus. I used to get really emotional, cry, think of suicide. I also acted out one try when i was 17. As the years went by i would just have to suffer internally, sad depressing thoughts, feelings like i've never experienced before, with every period a new sensation always a bad one would appear. I did have a son when i was 30 he's 22 now. If you don't mind not having kids, i would suggest you get some type of surgery, they put you under and you don't even know it. It could be a lifechanger.

[IndieVisible]

Sadly this idea is echoed throughout the whole medical field. It becomes more apparent how wide spread it is when even doctors (psychiatrists!) joking say, "the best way to treat BPD is to ignore it" or "you don't treat BPD, you ignore it" Granted they are joking and don't really mean it, but nevertheless, it is common place in many professional settings.

[nija43]

I can't disagree with you, Indie, since I've read many postings in other mental health forums saying basically the same thing. So many people seem to be unhappy with so many doctors and therapists.

So, to counteract all that a bit, I just want to say that I have a wonderful medical doctor, a wonderful psychiatrist (after one that was so-so), and a wonderful therapist. I'm lucky. All three are caring and professional. Wouldn't trade any of them.

So.... the real professionals are actually out there. I got my three.