the rest of the story

i think i posted the rest of my story in the wrong place.. i dont know what I am doing anyway so here it is..again.....

hi and thank you for your reply's, there are also some other factors that I didnt mention in my first post that have brought this on I lost my mother 2 years ago and I was her caregiver up untill her death, thats when my sister came to live with me. I have a brother that lives with me when he is out of work and needs a place to go he is on drugs and not responsible at all, and the only other family we have was my daddy who lived 2 miles from me for the last 6 years, he never really had anything to do with my sister and I but kept an active part of my brothers life. well all these years I have had the pressure on me to take care of mom and my sister but I longed for my dads love and approval, I lived with this dream that one day as he got older and older that he was going to need me to. that he would return my love for him and let me be a part of his life, in other words I worshiped my dad from afar. I would try to get close only he wouldnt respond, still i held out hope.. well 2 days before this past christmas I got a phone call that my daddy had died he was shot in the chest and he had already been cremated by his current wife before I even found out he had died at a hospital in ala. and i didnt get told of his death untill he was cremated and all the arrangements had been made, well this infurated me the pain just took a back seat to my anger of not being able to see my dad at all, when he lived so close to me his wife could have called me and let me see him before he had been cremated. I got through it though it was christmas and I had to forget the pain of it all and make christmas good for everyone. my kids didnt know this man so other than being sad about death they were ok, my sister was sad to but I dont think she feels like I do about it. my brother never even came home. although I know it hit him hard, its just his way of dealing with things avoiding reality. so now here I am for the last month I have been in denying that anything was wrong, I have my dads photo sitting right next to me, and I can't make the pain stop. I cant make the crying stop. it is just so hard for me to understand why I am so upset over this man that never cared enough about me to call me and check on me and my sister. my mother and I were really close and her death didnt hit me this hard. the only thing I can figure is that losing dad is like losing a life long fantasy and dream. I know for a fact now that he is gone he will never need me or want me. and I dont know how to deal with that. all I know is That once again I have to push this aside somehow and get past it.... there are to many people depending on me to take care of things for this to beat me. I haven't been to a doctor in 9 years since the birth of my youngest son, I have no clue as to how to even start out takeing care of myself again. and I am sorry for writing what must look like a book, but this doesn't even cover half of what has went on..I just know that I got through burying a child of mine 10 years ago, that I lost to SIDS and I must get through this. I have never asked for help. but I am at the point where I have to. because shoving everything back isn't working anymore.

MissTonya

WELCOME!!

You certainly have a whole lot of things to cope with. Are you seeing a PsychDoc or therapist. That would be a good place to start.

I understand about your losing a child. Mine died when he was a sophmore in college. There is no way you can describe the pain of losing a child unless it has happened to you. I might suggest a group called "Compassionate Friends." I think these groups can be found in most cities. They deal with the loss of a child. Also have your read any books on this subject?

My heart surely is with you. I hope you find the guidance to help get you up and on your way.

Love

KK

no I have sought no help at all on anything, but its looking more and more like I am going to need to. I have always just been strong and dealt with things as they came at me, but I am unable to just shove it aside anymore. thank you for your reply and I am very sorry about your loss of one of your children I can certainly say your right about the pain. You just never know that pain untill you have stood over one of your childrens caskets. Its just incomparable to anything I ever imagined.

I wanted to give an update, I went to the doctor a few days ago because things werent getting any better and I am very glad that I did, he put me on paxil to try for a month and gave me some Temazepam 30 (Restoril) for sleep, I had been taking 9 over the counter sleep aid pills which were 50 milagrams each they were just sleep aids but between them and nyquil i have been taking for years I was killing myself with that stuff. so this seems to be working alot better, the nightmares havent stoped but i think they will with time. I am in my first week so I am hoping to see a change soon. I already feel better I think thats do to taking the first step for help.