[greyface]

So I have these thoughts. I think about suicide. All the time. Many times a day.

The problem is I dont feel depressed. Sometimes I feel like im about to burst into tears, but does that count as depression? Anyway, that's not my question.

I see a psychologist, and I sometimes contact a helpline when I feel suicidal. I am worried that doing these things indicates that I am seeking attention. If I am truly suicidal, why dont I kill myself? Why do I feel better after talking to a therapist?

I dont know. I just feel like I dont know whether this feeling is real or not.

So is there a way for me to be certain that I am depressed? Or am I just a weak, attention seeking asshole as I suspect?

Please be honest, I don't want any sugar coating please.

[darkrunner]

Hi Greyface,

Have you asked you psychologist about these things? That might be a good place to start.

depression can be experienced as a "blah" or empty feeling and I've experienced that many times. And feeling suicidal often indicates a person is overwhelmed and is dealing with more than they can cope with. Most people don't actually want to die, but want a way out of difficult situations or emotions. There are other ways though!

Why are you worried that you may be seeking attention? That is not always a bad thing, I think. We all need attention and caring.

Are you sharing your suicidal thoughts with your pdoc?
Take care.

I am no shrink (not even qualified to PRETEND to be one).....

But my guess is you are depressed. You are NOT an attention ***** - you want and need help (even if it is subconsciously) .

It sounds like it is time for you to see a shrink. Go online and read about all the shrinks in your area and go to whoever you think you will be comfortable with.

Good luck.

[gayleggg]

Sure sounds like it could be depression, however, I'm not a professional either. I agree with the previous comment. You need to get an assessment with a psychiatrist. Then you could get and accurate diagnosis. Then you can know what you are dealing with.

[catsrhelm]

Sounds like what you are doing is a cry for help. I would suggest you see a psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist too. You'll feel better once you get the help you need.

[Rutabaga]

For years I desperately tried to decide if I was lazy or if my depression made it seem like I was lazy (is laziness part of who I am, or am I sick?). Last week I discovered this forum on PC, and I realized there were people that have the same symptoms of depression, including a lack of motivation/ability to engage in everyday activities. Now I am sure that I am not lazy, But depression can make me seem lazy to the uniformed observer. Now I can check off one thing on my list of things to worry about.

Suicidal thoughts are real, your feelings are real, and you should not ignore them. If you feel close to acting on suicidal thoughts, it is a real emergency, seek help immediately. These feelings are not a reflection of who you are, they are a reflection of an illness that you suffer from.

Depression is insidious and does not always manifest in an easily recognizable form. Talk to your psychologist and consider going to see a psychiatrist.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Hope you feel better.

[greyface]

I've been trying to respond to your kind posts, thank you for taking the time to reply.

I just spend so much time thinking about suicide. Not much room for other thoughts really.

I know there is something wrong, and there are other things in life. I cant help it. The thoughts just come by themslves.

Anyway, thanks again.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Facts:

1. "I sometimes contact a helpline when I feel suicidal."

Exactly, you "feel" suicidal. I felt suicidal for many years, but here I still am; that certainly doesn't mean I was an attention seeking "asshole".

2. "I see a psychologist"

They are professionals - if you were just an "attention seeking asshole" then I doubt you'd get yourself a psychologist.

3. "Or am I just a weak, attention seeking asshole as I suspect?"

Putting yourself down. Clear example of someone depressed; we do it on a regular basis.

4. "I think about suicide."

The answers lies clearly within your message: you are depressed.

Why do I feel better after talking to a therapist?

Because that's their job.

Sometimes I feel like im about to burst into tears, but does that count as depression?

I expect so. Here is also something you feel.

[ba.ll.oo.n]

I'd say it'd the self-preservation instinct kicking in. It does not mean that you are simply fishing for attention, not at all. Your brain is expressing a problem even if you don't really feel it. That's just the way it is for some of us.