so, the past few weeks ive been off work, and in 2 weeks ive left my house 4 times maximum. well i decided to go out shopping with my dad tonight, and i wish i hadnt now!! we were walking around the local supermarket and i happened to see the one person in the whole world who triggers me the most. i hate him, and i usually feel sick and shakey when i see him. he hasnt done anything severe to me like my brother has, so youd think my brother would be more of a trigger (for instance) but this kid is, i saw him and he was all smiley and joking around with a friend of his, who i also use to know. we all went to the same school and were in the same year.

he bullied me badly, at a time when i was at my weakest. my mum had just died and i was in a different place mentally, didnt know what to do. my world had been snatched from in front of my eyes and i had nothing. and i started dating a girl from my school and i fell madly in love with her. but he took her away from me, he spread rumours and made her hate me, she split up with me and began dating him, and they are still together now. i will admit, i did love her so much. and it was devastating when she finished with me after a few months, only 6 months after loosing my mum. he made my life in school hell, and he always spread nasty rumours about me and made me even worse than i already was. he only did it because he knew how vulnerable i was. he turned so many of my friends against me and he made me an outcast for the remaining 2 years of school!

i cant bear seeing him now, and thats how i react when i see him. and i saw him tonight. at a time when ive been really low for the last few days and just need a "pick-me-up", he shows up and knocks me lower. the thing is, normally i can deal with him, the last year i have been working hard on it and most of the time i can cope with it if i see him, but im not strong enough tonight. i felt vulnerable again and just wanted to go home! the only time i decide to go outside and i am triggered by my past! i was walking around the supermarket after seeing him telling myself "i am stronger than he is, and he cant hurt me anymore" but i just didnt believe it, not after the way ive felt lately. things just seem to be going downhill for me and i cant pick myself up! im getting kicked down faster than im trying to pick myself up and i am feeling like i havent got the energy to pick myself up anymore, maybe i want to stay down for a while, gather strength. but i have work on monday after 3 weeks and i know that i have to have some strength for that because of the people, and its strength i dont believe i have right now!

sorry about yet another long post, just have alot of venting to do, and when instances like tonight happen it makes it worse.

thanks for listening.

simon

[JustAPixie]

((((((( Simon ))))))))

The worst thing sometimes is seeing someone that have hurt us being happy. If you saw him and he was sitting in a corner crying you might have felt different. It's the fact that he doesn't seem to care what he has done to you, or how much it affected you! I'm so sorry this had to happen.

Whenever we decide to take a break from life to recharge it seems that there are so many things standing in our way! I sincerely wish that you can find some strenght somewhere... I don't know how unfortunately, but I know you can... The mountain always seems taller from the bottom.

[katheryn]

i understand were you are coming from, i hope you are feeling better soon, i hate having to see or have anything to do with the few people that have hurt me over the years, some physically some mentally, latley just walking out to my car can be hard i feel like the last person to hurt me is watching everything i do
i was given some advice dont let that person see you are hurting even if you have to pretend that its not,
you dont have to apoligise for a long post we are your friends and we are here to listen to you like you listen to us
(((((((((simon)))))))))))

[(JD)]

Grrr hate it when that happens. Glad you weren't by yourself!