Being Triggered

Today in group therapy we were discussing a topic that triggered me really badly. We were talking about stuff we were made to do as children...like confessing to doing something we didn't do like stealing or something of that nature...but I didn't think of that.

I immediately thought of an event from my young adulthood. I thought of when my boyfriend at the time held me down and forced me on a little girl. You don't know how much pain I've been through over this event unless you've been there. I've tried to kill myself over that event in my life. There is so much shame in the fact that I couldn't do anything to stop what happened.

I thought being triggered to this event was over...even the simplest, most innocent thing can trigger it. I hate it. I could've thought of something from my childhood but I didn't. I thought of the worst memory I have.

Lex, I have a sort-of similar incident in my past, and the shame and guilt is incredible and has convinced me that I am really the rotten, worthless, horrible person I have come to believe I am. People tell me God has forgiven me, but what I did was so heinous that I don't think even God can handle it. I have begged forgiveness, but I don't think it can be forgiven.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Lexicon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} it hurts, I know. And it's not possible to make peace with it, I don't think. But maybe we can learn to let ourselves off the hook, someday, somehow.

Candy

I bet you two would forgive someome else in your spot....its easy when its not you with all the guilt....I am sorry for both of you as you were victims too

(((((((((candy and lex))))))))))
i so understand..... i have worries that .. well.. nevermind.. I was a horrible child.

Lex, Candy, Esther, and anybody else in this boat, I am so sorry you have to figure out how to deal with the aftermath of being so used. Sounds to me like y'all have repented and weren't doing these things when you were in control.... blame is a black hole. Toxic shame is a black hole with daggers.

I spent so much of my early life praying for other people, who had done me wrong, to be forgiven, ... when a councelor suggested I try forgiving myself for coming into such a hard life, I was shocked. It had never occurred to me that I could attemp to forgive myself. Hard hard hard, but possible.

It helped me to figure out something to do instead. Like when I was getting down and funky on my self and my past, to stop, and notice, then force myself to think of something good I've done or something good I can do, for somebody or something else, later. Even as small and simple as watering a plant, or as big as voluteering at a soup kitchen - or something.

The important thing is to find a way to stop trashing yourself in the moment. You can do it. I believe in you. Way best luck. I'm rooting for ya.

all we can do is clean up and move on......