On the ledge

Oh this sucks. I'm on this precarious point, so close to a total breakdown. I don't know what to do... I'm so afraid of ending up in the hospital again, and resuming the in-and-out pattern... I can't do that. There's no way I can handle that again... I'll die. I think I can handle it if I don't make it a pattern... I don't know. I don't know whether my discouragement is natural to my situation, or a result of my medicine's effectiveness waning. If I need a medicine change I'll have to go in, I'll be too dangerous to myself without a working med. But if a med change doesn't pick up the slack, it'll all be over... I just can't think straight alone, without meds I'm completely obsessed with suicide.
But I might be able to hold it together, I might be really close to things getting better. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I'm wrong, my safety net is gone. Either choice - hold out, or check myself in - could be doom. I'm so anxious, so stressed, and I'm alone.

Definitely check out the meds. I've been there as far as suicidal & attempted a few times. You don't want to do that. You can find meaning & joy in life. Keep your appts. with meds doc & therapist--they can help immensely. You are NOT alone. We're here.--Suzy

...taking TAO'S hand and leading her off the ledge...



You know you aren't thinking straight. When depression takes over our minds, we can't rely upon our own judgment. When depression takes over, we think in black and white, in either or statements and situations.

Going into the hospital isn't the worst that can happen. You losing your battle with death is,imo. Keep fighting!

Even if I were to try a new AD, I would probably have to go into hospital, because I have such severe reactions if I have one. Hospitals are there for crisis times, to give us a safe place to level off and make long term plans when the plans we have aren't working out.

Don't worry about a pattern. Even a pattern of several years is worth it ..once you are on the other side of them... and the hospitalizations kept you alive... wouldn't they be considered worth it? Sure.

You won't die if you have to try a new med...you won't die if you have to go to hospital for any reason of this genre... you might feel that bad, but dying is what you are fighting against... you want to live. You want to live just not this way. You need change! If meds or hospital can give you change, you should take it, imo.

This is a dark time in your life. ((((hugs)))) Take the candles others are handing you, to scare away the darkness.

I haven't been in the hospital since my month-long February stay... before that I was in at least once a month. I can afford to go in to stabilize, as long as I can make up my classes. If I have to drop out again I'll lose everything I've worked on, I know myself, I'll commit suicide if I lose my classes, I'll be stuck at home, not nearly stable enough to get a job or keep it, and despondent. This is why I'm so cautious to go back in the hospital... I NEED my classes... I've got to keep up the work. And I think I can manage it if it's just one stay... which is more pressure on that stay...
I have so much on my mind...
I have an appointment with my case manager tomorrow... I've got to figure out what to tell her...

By all means go to the hospital. Call 911. What are the classes worth if you're going to die. I've felt so desperate and alone. It's so so so hard to move forward. Think of things one moment at a time, believe me I'm there now. I can't even bathe some days. When you talk to your case worker tell them exactly how you feel. Don't leave out anything. You deserve happiness, your life is so prescious and I don't even know you but I would hate to lose you. If you have the courage to tell cyberspace then you have the courage to go on.

((((((((((( Taonviel ))))))))

((((((Taonuviel))))) I'm thinking about you. Go to the hospital if necessary, please take care of yourself.

((((( Taonuveil ))))) you are in my thoughts

(((Taonuviel))) hope it goes well with your case manager.

Thanks...
We ended up talking about my big issue - loneliness, inability to connect. I was just floating, waiting to see where we went. I ended up leaving with the homework of talking to a girl I've know 8 years with some similarities... not really on the level of help I'm needing...
I didn't do well today at all... I was so close... I'm thinking of going back tomorrow and asking to be admitted to a day program... maybe that'll be enough...
I just don't want to hurt my family... it'd be so terrible for them...

((( taonuviel )))
there comes a time when we have to do what is best for us not our family i run into the same problem not wanting to hurt them but i wind up suffering so what needs to be needs to be if they love you they will get through it

That's not what I'm talking about... their reaction to hospitalization is trivial... suicide is what I don't want to hurt them with...

oh understandable sorry for the mix up you know thats what holds me back from hurting myself is them