[bumble2u]

Really not sure of how to begin.

I think my son is suffering from depression, I should know the signs I am bipolar, BPD with alcohol issues.

It has been a steady decline. It started with going into high school. He had a girl friend that he broke up with (his choice) who was replaced by smoking pot. I have had numerous conversations with him about smoking pot and perhaps this is wrong but would have tolerated mild use had it been just the occasional toke.

Slowly the people he used to hang out with have decreased and now I there are a handful of people he hangs out with unfortunately into heavy smoking. He's not a drinker which i thank the heavens for. I've been really open with him about what can happen with prolonged smoking the de-motivation the point at which the highs are no longer and smoking becomes a maintenance business.

My H and I are no angels we tried to explain to him how much of our own life had passed us by because of smoking.

He is a sweet kid but has always been quiet lately I have noticed that he is always tired, has a very upset stomach particularly in the morning. I think he is comparing himself to others unnecessarily for example. "Can we get more protein I need to buff up? "

I'm worried that the subjects he has chosen Math , Chemistry and Physics this semester are just way too much for him as he is failing everything and I have requests from teachers to have meetings. I think he chose these subjects on what he thought he should, comparing himself to other students not on what his strengths are.

When we have encountered a difficulty like math I have tried to find him a tutor as my pea-brain is unable to help him.

Last night was the worst. For several days I had removed pot from his room It is out on his desk. I don't like to infiltrate his private space but how is he supposed to learn whilst stoned? I had given him the ultimatum before-hand that if I found pot during the week that I would not be helping him to replace his broken phone.

I was angry and also said that I felt if he could not respect rules then why should he have the privilege of going on a school trip.

Anyway there was a whole lot of emotional manipulation going on from his side probably as-well as mine. He was in tears and eluded to the fact that he was without friends save the few that my husband really has some issues with.

I feel we are in a big mess, I don't feel i am helping my son. I've tried to let him know I love him no matter what. As a parent I can't watch his life go up in a puff of smoke. It's really hard to reach him, the times we bond are over music which I try to keep going. I'm really worried that they will cut his extra curricular soccer at school due to his grades, when physical activity is so important to keep him going.

My husband has emailed someone we know who is a child psychologist to see if she has any suggestions. I am going to ring my GP today to get his stance.

I am also paranoid and really worried that he is keeping quiet because of witnessing my own mental health issues. It has been difficult for him with a mother who is not reliable. And am wondering whether his so-called friends have eluded to me being nuts. But this is not about me it is about my son who I am losing more and more.

Pls tell me where I am going wrong, suggestions on what I could do better.
I know it's long but couldn't figure out a short version.

[avlady]

My son started drinking a few years ago, he's 23 this January. He also had a suicide attempt a few weeks ago, he lost his girlfriend, car in accident, and job because he was drinking on the job and stealing the beer from the cooler in the store he worked in. He is a good kid, just kind of an airhead and does everything at the last minute which makes me so anxious. He is going for counseling now, and they put him on Effexor. hopefully this will work out, he is waiting for a job interview reply in the guitar store, as he plays guitar very well and i pray he will get the job, he needs something to do in the daytime, hope all goes well!!!

[winter4me]

I could be way off but do you check out what you "think" your son's motivations are with him---by asking him why he makes certain choices? And what does he dream of for himself? Good for you and husband for seeking help; it sounds like your son needs someone just for himself also. My son went through a rough few years and is moving on towards good, healthy goals while still struggling with a few things, I have been impressed with how he has handled some recent set backs and know he will be okay...(whew)...but I know now that he was holding a lot inside when younger, I guessed it at the time but it just wasn't possible for him to be open with me (although I admit he was quite open in giving me information) re: his issues with me at the time; we both read a lot into what the other was doing and why....and we were both often wrong. The communication is steadily improving over time, and he has developed good, healthy friends whose opinions he truly values (& in fact has told me that although some of his old friends are like brothers in the sense that he can always go to them or them to him without any recriminations, he is Glad that his new friends would not be so forgiving if he were to do some of the stupid things he did in the past; he wants to be held to a higher, healthier standard.) There is much to hope for here as you have all struggled and are willing to keep on struggling together. Best to you all!!! Let us know how it goes...and time, it will take time...and that is okay.

[Rose76]

You have real reasons to worry. I don't have children, myself, and am no expert on raising them. It does seem more than a little odd that your son is able to have pot around your house and that this is okay with you . . . or has been. If he's still in high school, that's kind of young to be substance abusing with a green light from parents. Pardon me, if I'm misinterpreting what you convey.

At this stage, it is late to stop him from smoking MJ, but you can say that it's not okay for him to bring it into the house. What do you do when you find pot in his room? Do you give it back to him, or do you throw it out? Where does he get the money to buy pot with?

He doesn't sound like a bad kid; he probably is a sweet kid. It sounds like he truly is very lonely. He doesn't seem too thrilled with his current companions, which is kind of a good sign. I don't think becoming real authoritarian is going to get you far in helping him. He's too old for that, now. Maybe you and your husband could schedule more time to spend with him doing something as a family. Maybe go to some special place, or out to eat together. Is he required to be home for supper? That might be a place to start. It sounds like he is wandering around too much on his own without direction. Maybe offer to watch a movie he likes with him, and then discuss the movie.

Lecturing him on how he is fouling up his life probably won't accomplish much. He's just too old for that. Keep the communication lines open. If you're a good listener, he probably wants to be listened to. I wouldn't make going on the school trip contingent on anything else. I wouldn't look at it as a privilege. He needs to do that, as much as he needs to study. Too bad there weren't more school trips. While he's on the trip, he may be safer from mischief.

It's good to bounce things off the GP and psychologist, but I doubt they have any easy answers. You might better talk to parents of kids who are doing well and find out what they are doing right. You and your husband sound like nice people who intend the best. You are on way too much of a guilt trip over your past problems. Nothing in your past disqualifies you from being a good mom. Don't concern yourself with what your son's companions might, or might not, have said about you. That's their business.

Be sure your son has some responsibilities around the house. Praise him for the help he gives you, and don't hesitate to ask him for some extra help once in a while. Tell him that, although much in your life didn't go right, you are glad to be the mother of him and that he is a source of satisfaction to you. (It doesn't sound like he is a true jerk.) Kids want so badly to believe that they matter positively to someone, especially kids not blessed with the best circle of friends.

Leaving that pot out on the desk for you to find several days in a row sounds like he is giving you a message. Just tell him that you don't want pot brought into your home. If you find it, throw it out. He'll still smoke it away from home, but it won't be practically with your blessing. I can see parents of a kid over 18 letting their kid have the occasional beer with the family. I've known spectacularly successful kids whose parents have allowed that. The nonchalance in your house about the pot though sounds excessive. Make sure that neither you, nor your husband, are over-indulging in alcohol.

If you have been "unreliable" as a mother, I assume you have been working on correcting that. Kids don't have to have perfect parents; no kid does. They do have to see you struggling to do what is hard to do in life, just getting through the ups and downs. If you have regrets about how you handled some things, I think it can be okay to talk that out with your son.

I hope he does get to stay in soccer. Maybe be pro-active and talk to the school and ask if they see a problem. Then, before he gets thrown out of soccer, make a plan with him and the school to keep him in. If they are getting ready to toss him out, offer to help with a probation to keep him in, with him agreeing to do what it takes. Maybe he should do his homework at the dining room table, rather than in his room. I believe kids need some privacy, but you might be giving him a little too much. It should be okay for you to knock on his bedroom door, when he doesn't expect it, and just pop in and say "I'm just coming by to see how your making out with the evening's school work. Let's see what you're working on."

Parenting sounds like a major challenge in the world of today. Good luck.

[bumble2u]

Thanks for all your imput. The Pot is always thrown out. He worked all summer and hence has money in his account. Which I am very proud of he was never late and never complained. Making some headway, trying to talk things through and engaging him in other activities like practising driving to give him another focus. Really try hard to praise him for every success even little things like picking up the wet towel of the floor. He agreed that we will go get his bloods done just to check if everything's ok as he is very tired all the time. Have appointments to see his teachers. We are very open about mental health , substance abuse etc.. We have to be , I hope that he sees that we all tackle and try to improve our problems. Most of all though I really try to show that he is loved and wanted. I'm just hoping that by being open and willing to talk that we will make some headway. I should also probably remember that my own childhood is not an indicator that my son and his personality will have the same fate.

[Rose76]

It does sound like he is depressed. He sets standards for himself that become burdensome, like taking those heavy duty classes. He needs to lighten up, unless he has some great passion for academics. He sounds like a basically good kid. It does sound like you are on the right track. How nice that he was so industrious over the summer. Maybe he could find a study partner in one of the science classes, as an alternative to the pot smoking buddies. Maybe you could offer to host a study-a-thon for the next big test. They study together and you make special eats and treats for them. There is much there to be hopeful about. He will make mistakes and know some heartbreaks. That may be part of his destiny. He mainly needs to do well enough in school to have good options vocation-wise after he graduates. College is not necessary for every kid. I have cousins who went into trades and are doing great, better than some their age who went to college, just to languish without work afterwards.

Then, again, if he picks things like Physics to study, he may aspire to more than a trade. That's okay too. Best of luck.