A decision to make

I have made a topic recently so I'm sorry if creating a new one in short succession is frowned upon, but I just sort of wanted to thrash this out (there is a bit of overlap).


My Dr (general practitioner) has strongly recommended that I start seeing a T again. He’s aware that I’m reluctant and has told me to think about it over the next month until I see him again for a review on my new dose of medication.

Writing about my feelings and state of well being is not a general issue for me (as at least I can quantify and put things into some semblance of sense) but talking is. I erect walls I guess and find it very hard to talk to anyone (which includes professionals)... and I end up only giving up segments of my issues while in my mind it’s like a whirlwind of activity.

I quite literally bottle everything up... be it having a bad day, having a confrontation, feeling low for no particular reason etc and it was only till this year that I’ve started talking to my wife when she can see on my face something is wrong (whereas I used to retreat to my spot in the house and just stare at her if she came through to talk). It was for this reason that she went to see the Dr with me since she could cut the crap as it were and give it to him straight.

For part of last year and early part of this year I did agree to see a T... which was broken up with one leaving after 8 sessions and the other leaving 6 or so sessions in. The latter advised that I should be ok... but therein lies my problem... I talked about the symptoms I guess (erratic mood swings, frustration) and was given CBT techniques to deal with those. This has been good for the purpose of keeping a handle on stress and social interactions... but not the crux of my depression and I suppose self esteem issues.

I guess I have trust problems and also I question everything... quite a cynical person and I read a lot into the why of things “Why are they using that technique?” “Why have they used that terminology?” “Are they mocking my intelligence?”... and sometimes stupidly thinking they should be mind readers as I know what I’m feeling yet not saying and they are going off down a road that isn’t that important to me.

Perhaps I just want to be angry, alone and miserable and silently confrontational (as in not saying anything but in my head I'm going 'no, no, no')... or that in itself could be part of the spiral I’m in.

I hate my depression with a passion and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break the cycle (the medication helps, but it would be nice to not be dependent on that)... I get so confused with it and overwhelmed by negative thoughts... plus it sucks dry my motivation for day to day activities.

Probably answering my own question by saying the following but perhaps it might be useful to write things down and just hand that to the T so they at least have something clear and concise to work with? Never really thought of that (stupid really... duh)

Hi, ToeJam. I enjoyed that post, thanks for sharing. I found myself relating to bits and pieces, particularly the bit about cynicism! xD

A number of posters here (at least in the past) including myself do exactly that. I don't print out something for every session, but if I believe I will have significant trouble trying to convey my thoughts, I do try to present the therapist or psychiatrist with a summary of what seems most important.

Would you suggest would be best in a first session as well?

That's what I did for my first session (well it was my first session in like 4 months). I wrote down a list of things that I wanted my T to know and we went from there. I am tired of being sick and tired but also knew I have a really really hard time talking (to many walls as well) so the list really helped me break the ice and become a bit more open. I hope you go and see another T, when you find one you really connect with and like it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Let us know what happens (((ToeJam)))

I have seen various T's in my life and have always found that writing things down is much easier than saying it out loud.
Good luck, and go with what feels good for you.

Yes, certainly. Concise, clear statements that fit on one page would be helpful for both you and the therapist. It's also helpful to inform your therapist up-front that you have or may have difficulty communicating with them. They need solid information to do their job, but they should adjust to your communication challenges.

A therapist who places the entire burden of clear communication on you is...less than ideal.

Thanks for the input Rohag, I really appreciate it... been a god send to actually talk to people like yourself and get a perspective from our side of the pond as it were (in contrast to professionals or those who have no clear understanding of depression).

With regards to your last line, I think the two therapists I saw were as you say 'less than ideal' but from different angles. The first I actually liked but she ended up doing most of the talking and even if I'd wanted to I found it hard to get a word in haha (reminded me of my wife :hashface: )

The second (a guy) was just one of those people I wouldn't normally get on with in a social scenario, let alone a professional/client situation. Was 'laid back and condescending' and would hardly talk unless I did first.... led to many awkward silences and leaving me feeling like 'why am I even bothering?'

I know it's going to be hit and miss sometimes... so I will have to stop shooting myself in the foot by doing a 'sod this' thing. Writing some notes will help a lot I think and if I don't get on with the next person I will speak to the Dr to see about seeing someone until I do.

it does sound like some T window shopping is in order ... maybe spend some time writing down what you think would be most helpful to you in a therapist and make up a checklist for that

for example

someone willing to read what you write seems like a good idea for you

do you want someone who backs off when you are in angry, alone, miserable state or someone who will push you to challenge your thinking

someone who will just listen to you and make comforting sounds or someone who will be supportive in other ways?

etc

and if you think it would help run the list you come up with by members here and see if anyone can suggest anything else for you to consider

Thanks Tigergirl.

Interesting idea, not sure how effective it would be in the UK as unless you go private it's pretty much a case of getting what you get off the NHS. At out dr's 2 T's usually work there once a week... and I have the opportunity to try the 2nd if the 1st one doesn't work out... but I don't know what my options are like after that.

Has anyone else from the UK had experience with this?

In essence I just hope that this time it is someone who can reach me rather than fuel further alienation.

On a positive note, I called the Dr's and asked the receptionist to pass on the message that I have decided to see a T so at least the ball is rolling now.