[Christina86]

I'm sorry. I seem to keep going back to the same thing, over and over and over again. Stuck in a rut, I am definetely. Sorry for being a bother, I'll probably delete this. Just need to put it out there, you know?

BLECH.

I feel like crap. Never ending useless worthless nothingness.

What is wrong with me?

I mean I KNOW what is wrong with me, but what is wrong with me?

I can barely function. Not eating. I want to sleep. I want to drink all of my problems away but I can't because my friends won't let me drink by myself. I can't even TALK to them. I want to cry. I can't. I want to scream - and I've never been able to. Such a good emotional bottler I am.

My family makes my life *bleep* and then deserts me when I need them.

They didn't even want me home for Thanksgiving. I live across the city for petes sake!

I'm not negative. I'm depressed. And they make me miserable. I'm a glutton for punishment, they're my family ... I need them, even if they make me feel worthless.

Why am I even in university? I don't deserve to be here. I'll never make anything of myself, I don't think I'll survive until the end of my psychology degree.

Why do I even bother to try to help anyone? Nobody needs my help. Everyone is better without me. Even when they ask for it. I used to be such a not self-centred person. People tell me I'm not. I am. I can't help. I'm sorry. I'm a waste of space and I'm wasting your time if you're reading this. I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to. Not even my T, I'm not "sick" enough for a weekly appointment. 2 more weeks. I can't wait that long anymore.

[arod13]

hey i completely understand i feel the same way a lot of the time thats why i eventually stop talking to people

((((( canders7))))))

[Christina86]

thanks (((((((((arod)))))))))). I don't want to not talk to people, but I suppose its for their benefit if I don't?

I don't even know.

haha.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

thanks (((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))

don't deserve hearts though. just being whiney.

for you ...

[Ashy]

I feel just the same as you and it really sucks. I don't get this. I can't stand it anymore. I need a support buddy.... Do you? If so email me at bbygrl333@123mail.org.
Ashley

[jacq10]

(((canders)))

Don't say that you dont deserve anything because you do. And you are absolutely 100% not a waste of space!!! you deserve the best, honestly you do. you do so much for this community, and you help so many people. Even when you dont realise that you are helping, you are. A kind comment, or a helpful suggestion... it really means the world to people. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way, and i wish that there was something that i could do to ease your pain, or just make you realise what a special person you are.
I know how hard dealing with family can be... and i esp know how hard holidays can be. Just try and keep positive, and know that you have people here that care about you. And all of these feelings of frustration, sadness, depression ... try and let some of them out. Just .. cry. Honestly, at the time it can seem so over-whelming and seem like nothing is being solved .. and well maybe the physcial things aren't being solved, but you are helping yourself by expressing some of these things.
Sometimes i feel myself these same sort of things .. being dramatic or whiny .. but truthfully, that just shows that you need some support. So just know that i am here for you if you even need someone to talk, or vent, or scream or cry at .. or if you just need someone to tell you something funny to chear you up. Please please feel free to pm me at anytime ... and i will do my best to help.

I hope that this weekend isn't as bad as you think it will be ... try and focus on the good things in your life, as hard as they may be at sometimes.

Take good care,
Jacqueline

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((Ashy)))))))

Welcome to PC

[Christina86]

(((((((((Jacqueline)))))))))

Thank you for all of that. I had to keep going back because my "cognitive distortions" were getting the better of me while I was reading your post (my brain was disagreeing with what I read). I know its the truth though, so thank you.



Boy oh boy I'm not too coherent

[Christina86]

I know, I know, don't put too much stock in online tests for psychological stuff.

But I would give so much to not be labelled as "severly depressed" whenever I take a test!

Was forced to go out today. Morning was good. Afternoon was crummy. I want to cry. Go to bed and stay there - but have stupid work tomorrow.

I know I'm not supposed to take things customers say/do personally, but every time I get rejected when trying to get people to sign up for the credit card - I want to cry. I hate being rejected.

Stomp on me a bit more if you please, maybe I can be totally smushed and down in my mood forever. *grumble*

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((( canders ))))))))))

[Christina86]

((((((((Tanya)))))) Thanks you

[Christina86]

I spent my 15 minute break in the washroom crying.

This job isn't worth my emotional wellbeing is it? I don't even know. Need to talk with a supervisor, and if worse comes to worse, I've got to quit.

Its too hard to deal with on top of everything else as well.

[Christina86]

I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.

I was breaking down on a bus just a while ago. In front of people. I never ever allow myself to do that.

I'm too stressed and overwhelmed and I don't know what to do... I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for being a mess. I'm sorry for wasting people's time.

Maybe it would be better for me to just leave. I'm never going to get over this, I'm going to be stuck forever in this neverending cycle and I hate not being able to help anyone anymore.

[(JD)]

I agree ((((canders)))) you can't continue like this. You NEED to eat properly and you NEED your sleep, to begin with. Make those two things PRIORITY in your life, ok? No thinking about them, no wondering if you're worth it... by not providing them to yourself you are engaging in passive suicide, imo. Stop.

You need to limit all of what you do. Can you do a different job for the same place? Something that limits your contact with others till you begin to feel better? You had a good morning! I'd take that.

You are overwhelmed... I know you said you don't know what to do... so right now just stick to the eating and sleeping goals ok?

[Christina86]

I'll try?

I'm going to see about another job at the same place, but have to survive at least one more shift - tomorrow. In exactly 12 hours actually.

Thanks (((((Sky))))))

[(JD)]

Any little thing you do more than yesterday is a step in the right direction. Trying always accepted ((((((canders))))))

[Christina86]

Phew.

I thought you'd tell me that trying isn't acceptable, only doing. And "doing" is a bit daunting currently.

Thanks (((((((((Sky)))))))))

[Christina86]

Am sick again.

Feel crummy. Really sore inflamed throat.

Hurts to talk. So I called in sick to work. And suddenly (emotionally, not physically) felt a bit better.

I feel like such a meanie. A liar.

I know I'm not lying about being sick, I mean I actually AM SICK. I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. And I am.

Drat, I really do need to find someone to talk to this weekend before I go nuts.

[jacq10]

Maybe being sick is your body's way of telling you that you need so slow things down! Don't worry about letting other people down... thats not your responsibility, and you need to take care of YOU before you can even begin to let yourself worry about other people. I know that hard.. but like sky said, take one day at a time, on moment at a time, and just try and focus on the things that you can more so control - eating a sleeping. Well sleeping might be hard ... but at least resting. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, these things can take time and you just need to try and be patient...
I hope that you can figure out things with your job.
Take care of yourself, and happy thanksgiving.
xo Jacq

[Christina86]

((((((Jacqueline))))))))

Thank you - I know I'm supposed to take care of me first, but I've only been at this job for what, 2 weeks now, and I'm really upset that I decided to not be smart and called in sick to work. I should have gone in.

happy thanksgiving to you as well.

[(JD)]

You can always call your T. I mean, a T helps when thoughts overtake and affect daily living: that's their job! Why wait until you regain control on your own...when you could call and feel better, and cared for, immediately?

Self doubt is common, especially in college, imo. IDK what course work you have taken already or what you are into now, but certain courses can make you feel inferior. By the time you are to the point of helping others as a career, you will be ready. If you look at how on earth?! of a PhD when you're a freshman, there's no way you feel you can do that. But you learn along the way, building on each bit of knowledge.

Stress, whether implied or real, affects how we feel emotionally and physically. Make a decision and stick to it...that often helps relieve some of the stress. Ambivalence destroys us, imo.

What are you doing for that sore throat?

[Christina86]

Hi Sky,

Can't call my T. She's on vacation because she's through the university. I'm not in "crisis" so I don't see why I should bother her this upcoming week. And Monday is a holiday. (Yay for Thanksgiving)

I'm not doing anything for my sore throat. It will go away, or it won't. *shrug* I don't know.

[JustAPixie]

((((((((( canders ))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((Tanya))))))))