[canadianguy24]

I hope this is an appropriate place to post this. I am a 31/m and I am pretty sure I am depressed and have been a long time. I have never looked into treatment or anything like that before but tomorrow I have an appointment at my university's mental health center. I am really nervous. It's almost like I don't know what to hope for. Part of me hopes they tell me that there is nothing wrong. I am scared of having to deal with depression for the rest of my life. The other part of me hopes they confirm what I have thought for a long time. Years really. Then maybe I can start moving forward and try to be happy. Or at least not feel so bad. I would even just take not dreading the morning. I don't sleep very well at all but being alone in my room means I don't have to face anything I don't want to.

I know it is just my head messing with me but I feel like a failure. Objectively I know that needing help doesn't make you weak. I have told other people that before. Encouraged them to get help from professionals. But when it comes to me I feel worthless. I don't know why. I have always prided myself in being there for others. Growing up I was always a captain on my sports teams. I was told I was a natural leader and my friends/teammates looked up to me. So I have always tried to be strong. Always tried to be the optimistic person. Take control when things aren't going well. I don't know why I cant apply that to myself.

I don't think anyone would suspect really how far gone I am. Maybe my best friend. The last few weeks I have been really clingy to her. I am scared it is going to push her away. I have been close to telling her but the fact that I have been in love with her for almost a year now scares me away from it. It feels like if I admitted this it would destroy any chance however small of being together in the future.

I miss having hope. I miss being happy. It's been a long time and I barely remember how they feel. I cant let go of things that bother me. I don't think I am suicidal but I often think how great it would be if I just didn't wake up. I have no motivation for school. None for finding a job. None for getting back in the gym. From the moment I wake up all I want is for the day to end so I can go back to bed and hopefully get a couple hours of dreamless sleep where I just feel nothing.

I don't know that I am depressed for sure but it seems to be pretty likely. I don't know how many of the online tests and things like that I have taken but I always score really high. I know they aren't the most accurate things ever and no replacement for a real diagnosis but the consistent high scores scare me. I don't know what to expect tomorrow. I guess I am looking for confirmation I am doing the right thing. Sorry for the length. I kind of got carried away.

[pegasus]

Hello canadianguy, you are doing the right thing in seeking help and you'll feel much better for doing so. It's not good to keep it to yourself, it's much better to share this. Hopefully they will get you on the right path to therapy, you won't feel like this forever.

Welcome to Psych Central!

[gayleggg]

Yes, the best thing to do is get an assessment, then you know what you dealing with. Then you can get the help you need. Be sure an let us know the outcome. Hope it goes well for you.

[ToeJam]

You are certainly doing the right thing.

With regards to your friend, take it slow, test the waters to get an understanding of her limits. She may well not get it but that does not mean she is not worth the effort of developing a relationship... we have to be understanding of others just as much as we hope that 'some' will understand us.

I know it's not in the same context but I have several close friends that have no idea I suffer from depression... to tell them would probably have them running a mile haha. That doesn't make them not friends, nor does it mean they don't care about me... but understanding depression is hard for those that have never experienced it and there is stigma at times to admitting to a mental health issue.

I wish you the very best for tomorrow and I hope that whatever comes from it, you find that you can start moving forward

[canadianguy24]

Thank you all for the responses. I had a rough night last night and it def carried over into this morning. Reading these has helped me some. It's nice to know you aren't alone sometimes.

I will def return and talk about how it went. This has been long overdue. I hope to get a few answers and some direction tomorrow.

As for my friend I understand what you are saying ToeJam. She has been struggling with her own issues the last couple years and I have always tried to be there for her. I have loved her for a long time but only been in love with her for maybe a year. I can't expect the same because it would require that I tell her how I feel but she is in a relationship and I respect that and do not want to damage our friendship.

[canadianguy24]

So I said I would come back and talk about how my meeting went. It was ok I guess. It was really hard for me. Sitting in the waiting room I almost got up and left a few times. Even though I know it's wrong it felt like once I said it out loud there was no turning back and I've lost for lack of a better term. That's how it felt at first. Like if I went in to the meeting that means I lost. I know that is not true but it was hard taking that step.

Once inside it was a little better. I'm not a crier in general but I came very close a couple times. When she asked if I was suicidal I almost broke down. I'm not but just the fact I was in the situation where it was an appropriate question really rattled me.

In the end she recommended a few options for me. Unfortunately the university health centre is booked pretty solid. I need to go over the options she gave me and take a look at the coping strategies as well. All in all I am glad I went. Only the first step but a step in the right direction. I need to take the next step quickly before I can talk myself out of it. Hoping I have bottomed out and nowhere to go but up. Thanks for listening.