I am a student, 25. I am not an alcoholic. Drink once a week with the same group of friends. This friend of mine, me and her have had drinks together alone in past too. We were drinking with a bunch of 7-8 friends. I didn't even drink too much this time. Smoked a bit though. So I stay back at her place while other friends leave. I needed to discuss some issue with her. After that I remember only few flashes. Don't know how it started but remember myself on top of her. Some fondling too, while she asked me to stop. I don't recall how or when it stopped. After that I remember she came back with a common friend while I lay sleeping on her bed. Then I just left.

Next day I faced her. Just said that I did dishonourable act and left (hardly stayed a minute). Didn't know what else to do or say. I just can't live with myself like this. I did something which I wouldn't even dream of doing. Feel slight breathlessness at times. Just can't stop thinking about what I did. Don't even know how it happened. I accept full guilt of what I did, alcohol is not to blame here, I am. Just don't understand how I am capable of doing this. Don't even know why I am writing this here.

[gayleggg]

I am glad to see you realize that you were wrong, and that it was sexual assult or rape. You don't know because you can't remember. And you are right about not blaming it on the alcohol. There is no excuse.

With that said, I am a victim of date rape. I have had to deal with this in counseling for years before I could let it go and forgive my rapist. I realized he needed help to deal with what he did, as much as I needed help. You need to contact a counselor that deals with issues like that and get the help you need. I would suggest you stay away from alcohol, even though it wasn't the deepest reason but I do believe it played a part in what happened. You have a lot to work on before you can forgive yourself.

I hope the girl gets counseling now, instead of like me, and hold it in for years.

[ToeJam]

I'll be honest and say that I can't relate to what you did.

Now that is out of the way... I do think you should get some counseling and advise on what underlying issues there are. What is done is done... the key part (and you've identified that you know what you did was wrong) is preventing this happening again in whatever form that might be.

I can appreciate that you're probably beating yourself up over it. You really should talk to a professional counselor (as Gayle suggested) to help you come to terms with the guilt and find a way to move on without repeating the above.

[IndieVisible]

You mention smoking too, I'm assuming it was marijuana or some synthetic equivalent? Since you say you did not drink a lot and this does not sound like you I'm wondering if it was the smoking? I can't smoke pot, wish I could because it seems to be very pleasing for every one I know, but it has a negative effect on me. I get really paranoid and anxiety attacks. I'm not talking paranoid like are they talking about me stuff, I'm talking I know they want to kill me stuff. So I can't smoke at all. I'm wondering if marijuana could have other effects on other people? Not trying to excuse your actions, just wondering. I would talk to some one about it tho.

@ToeJam: I am cutting myself off from the whole group now, and of course stopping drinking.
@IndieVisible: Yes, we smoked hash. We all have done that in past, along with alcohol. Never had any extreme effect on me prior to this. Not to excuse its future use - which is off the cards now.

I haven't faced any group of friends after from that day after this. Except for talking with her for a short while.

I am not sure why I am even posting here - not to rationalize or ask for consolation - I accept full responsibility and just hope that she's all right. It's just that it lingers in my head all day long, tried taking a break from college and head home. That didn't work out for some reason.

I just can't trust myself now - it wasn't rape or something - but I transgressed even a bit - which has never ever happened before - the thought of which is stuck in my head. Is repeated posting about all this even healthy?