[ToeJam]

TRIGGER ALERT - This is a letter of frustration and I suppose anger... and there is a number of things in here that aren't at all happy happy.

Before I start I'm currently waiting for a new T to give me an appointment... after an absence of talking for about half a year. My last T was pretty bad (unprofessional), left after 5 or 6 sessions to move to London, essentially talked to me about limited issues (that I shared) and said 'you'll be fine' while leaving no notes on my records.... my Dr was not impressed when I went back for a yearly review on my meds and has encouraged me to book a new appointment.

I've done so... but I'm full of doubt of it being any help at all.

Woke up this morning feeling like crap and decided to get my feelings into a letter which I'm considering handing to my T when I see them. For obvious reasons I'm not showing this to my Wife or anyone I know... but I wanted to share it here really to get an impression on if it's too much... whether I should seek immediate help (meh) or what:

Edit: Perhaps this letter is too much... perhaps it's everything I want to say but shouldn't.... I just don't know anymore... all help that has been given has never seemed to help long term... everything seems pointless to me.

I'm sorry... I'm just at my wits end and I'm trying my hardest to hold on but I can't think what for anymore.

So annoying... yesterday was perhaps one of the better days I've had in ages.... calm before the storm.

Again: Trigger warning!

"A letter to who I’ll be speaking to.

I don’t know what good this is going to do. This has been a partial help in the past but the negative intrusive thoughts and wish for death don’t go away... I’m just better at calming my outwardly expressed emotions, anger and frustration so I don’t upset others. If that’s the purpose of cbt then I guess it’s done its job.

The alternative is to just stay on the medication but my GP (nice guy) is not a psychotherapist and all he can do is keep prescribing me generic antidepressants... I don’t even know if they are helping.

I don’t know or trust how much I should tell you. I’ve been in hospital once (while at university) and I don’t want to go back... not because I don’t think it would help... short term it might but in the long term I’d probably lose my job in the process, possibly my wife and it would be a vicious circle. I’m not stupid enough to not realize that the same would occur if I killed myself... but I’d be dead so it wouldn’t matter anymore.

For that reason, any plans that I’ve made for suicide would have to go without a hitch. I know what I would do... certain barriers that had held me back previously have been removed and I guess the only thing that has held me off is to see how this meeting goes. No pressure (my feeble attempt at humor, sorry).

I don’t particularly feel sad or self pitying... I am however tired almost all of the time and I’ve just come to realize that life is a pointless monotony of nothingness... I rarely find any joy or feeling towards anything anymore... sometimes I wonder if my laughs and smiles are just a process of habit as any connecting feeling to them dissipates quickly. I do get negative intrusive thoughts re-enforcing doubts over self worth, ability and just generally who I am but I’m coming to the conclusion that perhaps I’m trying to subconsciously psych myself up to get on with plans and stop delaying the inevitable.

So there you go, thanks for reading. I know this is a cry for help in some way but how many times can you cry before you realize there is no longer any point?

My Name" *(edited out of this post, no offense)

[gayleggg]

Is there any way you could see a psychiatrist? Maybe one could help you with different medications, just a thought.

No, I don't think it is too much, because that is what they are there for is to listen, even if it in the form or a letter. I do believe it is a cry for help. I hope all goes well with the new T. Keep on going one step at a time.

[Rohag]

Excellent! The T should get the picture quickly. I especially like your first paragraph:

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I don’t know what good this is going to do. This has been a partial help in the past but the negative intrusive thoughts and wish for death don’t go away... I’m just better at calming my outwardly expressed emotions, anger and frustration so I don’t upset others. If that’s the purpose of cbt then I guess it’s done its job.

You also clearly set out your fears attending your "cry for help". A letter like this should (I hope) shorten the therapeutic distance to substantive assistance.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Is there any way you could see a psychiatrist? Maybe one could help you with different medications, just a thought.

No, I don't think it is too much, because that is what they are there for is to listen, even if it in the form or a letter. I do believe it is a cry for help. I hope all goes well with the new T. Keep on going one step at a time.

Thank you gayleggg. I've never been referred to a psychiatrist and I guess it's just me but suggesting it seems stupid... like I'm looking for problems... or whatever. I have problems I know but surely it's their job to do the diag and referrals rather than mine... I'm kind of beyond the caring stage anymore. Hehe, the small rational side of me just piped up with 'way to self help chap... so proud '

And yeah, one step at a time

Originally Posted by Rohag

Excellent! The T should get the picture quickly. I especially like your first paragraph:

You also clearly set out your fears attending your "cry for help". A letter like this should (I hope) shorten the therapeutic distance to substantive assistance.

Thanks, I can only hope so too At the moment I have no idea how long I have to wait till I even see a T.

[Fuzzybear]

agreeing with Rohag.....
(Waiting )......

[AFDakota77]

Toe jam, it is not your fault you feel this way, GP cannot best prescribe what you need, only a psychiatrist can help with the brain imbalance. And SSRIs are the first med GPs go to..... Cause they don't know any better.

Talk to a few pharmacists about the effectiveness of all the AD drugs prescribed, they are a wealth of knowledge. They say that nine out of ten times the GP prescribes a SSRI, patient has trouble with lack of usefulness and nasty side effects, complains enough to get referred to a psychiatrist and gets his meds need addressed most effectively, most of the time SSRIs are not used. I found this infomost interesting, wow.

IMHO, GPs should not be allowed to tinker with mental health issues at all, just refer you to a psychiatrist. Same as he would refer you to a surgeon if you had a gall bladder needing removed.