Sometimes I don't feel like trying

Recently, I've been away from this website, as I wasn't sure as what to post. However, for now, I have returned, and have something that is possibly worthwhile to say.

Well, I cannot describe exactly how depression feels. It's much deeper than longing or sadness; it's like melancholy cascading over me, intensified several times over, with sensations of physical pain sometimes, mental pain, and emotional distress. At times like this, like today, I tend to binge. And today, I ate more than I'm proud to admit. From the moment I woke up up until this moment, I've been stuffing my face all day.

I am also feeling gripping insecurity. My cousin, who has always been the shorter one, is finally larger than me. My father also seems to share more in common with him and prefers to talk to him. My cousin and my dad are both into hunting and fishing, two things I'm just not that deeply interested in.

After this, it got my thinking, and I don't have any particular skills or talents that I can even recall. My art and stories are sub par, my poetry is lacking, my strength isn't all that great, my fighting skills aren't as great as I used to fancy them, I am failing art class thanks to my ****** art, I attempted to write music and lyrics, and have failed terrible, am terrible at design of any sort, and even a favored pastime of mine, video games, are something I suck at. I've never had any sort of relationship or anyone whose ever had a crush on me, found me attractive, or liked me. My social anxiety keeps me from meeting new people, and the though of just going into public scares me more than I can describe with text or even words.

At times like this, I don't feel like trying anymore. My plight isn't very moving, I'm not an interesting nor important person, no one has truly cared to help other than one, my interests are obscure and differ from that of anyone, cutting my chances of identifying with any in my local area, I've never felt the sweet embrace of physically intimacy, or the coddling ecstasy of emotional intimacy, and I don't think I ever will. The worst thing about it is that no one cares, and I stand alone. That is why I am here-- hopefully, there are others who may care, sympathize, help, or even identify with me.

I can definitely relate to this. Well, I think I'm definitely an interesting person, but I think most people don't find me interesting (probably because my interests are pretty narrow too). I also think that everyone, even those who don't currently think they have any talents, can acquire talents. Find something you enjoy, and then obsess about it. You can only become better.

I'm somewhat weird: my obsession/talent is math. In some sense, I feel like it's the only thing that gives me confidence sometimes. I'll often get depressed and am reluctant to do it, but once I start, I always enjoy it more--and it distracts me from the depressive thoughts.

Wow. You just wrote the story of my life. Everything you said is exactly how I am. It really, really sucks. At this point I can't imagine happiness or what it is like to connect with someone, or feel any kind of intimacy. My life is pretty much ruined.

Well, at least I managed to do something. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Perhaps you can message me, and I'd feel like being your friend. It may not be intimacy in your eyes, but it is better than nothing.

I'm sure you are an interesting person, and so far, I find you interesting, just by your response to me. That is perhaps true, but even the things I obsess about and enjoy, I am not good at them. I do try to become better, however.

Math is something that, depending on the kind, I can be good or bad in. I am terrible in geometry, and hate it. I was pretty good at algebra. Regular math I can't do to save my life. At least you've found something to enjoy, eh?

I often feel the same way. I feel like a black cloud is always over me and everyone around me doesn't see it. Their lives aren't perfect, but much better than mine. Doesn't it seem like some people have all the 'luck' in life? Not all of course but some just have it good. I have friends who have it all. Granted they aren't happy all of the time but I know that if I had 1/2 of what they did my life would be a lot better. I scratch my head sometimes wondering if any of these people take meds for depression or something else. One of my dearest friends is super successful and I found out recently she is on anti-depressants and used to cut herself. I was beside myself. I have not ever had any diagnosed or realized problems while growing up. The last few years have yielded mishaps and horrible things one right after another and little by little it has broken me down. It has literally brought me to my knees and my strength sucked right out of me. I have lost most of my family which was small and I am left with lots of loneliness. This feeling is horrible and I hate it. I would like to tell you that you are special, you are important so don't ever feel like you aren't! We are dealt with things in this life that we have to trudge through and believe I know it is not easy. I struggle everyday to find hope and tell myself things will get better. I keep trying and refuse to give up. I have good days and bad days. Hang in there and I'm here if you want a chat friend.

I cannot blame you, and feel like that myself. I don't think anyone's life is perfect, but many have much higher quality lives than others. It does, but those people will go through some hardship, at least.

I have friends like that as well, so I understand what your saying. In some ways, such as personal freedom and what my parents will accept, I am more lucky. But in other areas, such as my scarred childhood and ****ed up experiences, I would rather have my friend's parents. I've never actually wondered that, but it's an interesting quandary.

I haven't had many deaths in the family-- my problems are very hard for me to express for a multitude of reasons. I understand, and I am empathize with you.

I hate it as well, and thank you, mein freund. I'd like to say that I feel that you're important and special as well. I'd be willing to chat-- either send me a PM, or if you have Skype, feel free to Skype me.

Me too feeling that my skills is suck, I know above me there are a lot of people who is have better skills than me... And my mom just fit with my dad, usually fighting with me..
And I am stand alone in here... Fighting alone... No one really care or even listening me...

I understand exactly how you feel-- I grew up with my parents constantly fighting, but thankfully it is over since my mom is gone. I'd help you if I were there, and I'll be willing to listen to you.

Thank you orbit26 ... Is it better when your mom is gone?? I have thought about that in the past... I thought that I just need to hold it until my parent died...

No problem. Yes, it is better-- My mom was an abusive junkie who mistreated and neglected me, and was the root of most of my mental complications. I'm sorry, and I hope it gets better for you.