[Christina86]

... I was the same as I was before.

I wish I could be helpful and easy to be around.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I knew how to fix myself and my problems.
I wish I had motivation to do day-to-day things without being told to do them
I wish I could wish these things and so much more...

I wrote a journal entry for myself and gave it to my T when I saw her today. She said she was glad I was being honest. I don't like crying. I hate being weak. I am though. I'm not supposed to let the cognitive distortions win, but I don't know how to stop them. She says she'll call me on them when she hears them. Thats a good start right?

I can't do anything for myself anymore. I just don't feel like it - so not worth it.

edit - I noticed the cognitive distortion but am not going to fix it on here. This is where I am at emotionally. That is really freaking frustratingly depressing.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))



Just having a pity-me party or something. Completely not a good idea and not worth it but whatever.

[Fuzzybear]

Well, sometimes pity parties are necessary. And sometimes we might even learn something, spotting twisted thinking and stuff

If you would like to, here are more for your party!!!

[Christina86]

Best explanation of how I feel dear Fuzzy... how'd you guess?!



I'm just being a pest I think. I'm never ever going to change or get better ... its something you're stuck with isn't it? I know the answer I just don't wanna believe it.

Sometimes I really hate being me. *le sigh*

[Fuzzybear]

No I don't agree.... about the being stuck with it and not ever going to get better......... And PESTS belong in flower beds

Sorry you're feeling so bad though

[Christina86]

Thanks Fuzzy.

Maybe I belong in a flowerbed. I do like being outdoors.

thanks *hug*

[Fuzzybear]

Oops..... pests belong in flower beds, but not with Petunias of course

As is often the case, I could say more, but unfortunately have to ZIP my lips up

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))



Hoping the rain passes soon

[Christina86]

Petunias are pretty yes indeedy.

Pests can also just bug people. I'm of that variety - not the plant-bugging kind.

Zipping up your mouth is no fun - I'm learning to talk and I do too much.

[Fuzzybear]

[Christina86]

(((((((((Fuzzybear))))))))))

Thanks for the nice chitchat. Always nice to hear from you

[Fuzzybear]

[jacq10]

((((Canders)))))

It always seems to come back to wishing things were different eh ... I'm sorry that you are struggling right now, but atleast you were able to express yourself through a journal to your T. I dont like crying either, in fact i hate it, and at the time it seems as though you are showing weakness, and it is doing nothing ..... and i know you've heard this before, but maybe a good cry will make you feel better. Maybe if you just accept it for what it is, and dont dwell on the fact that you feel "weak" because of it ... if you just give in and have a good cry ... maybe that will help? Mind you i say that yet i have a hard time doing it myself ... so i understand where you are coming from.
Canders you ARE worth it. keep pushing through and allowing yourself to open up to your T ... he/she can help you .... and know that i am here if you want too.
Take care of yourself

[Sabrina]

Oh my, I am sorry you are so down and struggling so much with this.

You are a wonderful person. The puppy agrees!

(((Christina)))

[Christina86]

Thanks (((((((((Jacqueline))))))))))) and ((((((((Sabrina)))))))))))



Thanks for your support. I was almost going to write another post but then WOW I discovered that it was more of the same nonsense. I am not too bright sometimes, forgetting something like that - *sigh*

Anyways, thanks.

[Christina86]

Actually I changed my mind - am posting what could have been another post in here as a reply. Not as spammy and people don't have to read it.

-------------------

I quit.

I quit trying to be happy.
I quit trying to fix my life and my problems.
I quit trying to be my own person.
I quit trying to stop the bad thoughts.
I quit trying to ask for help.

I am not happy.
I can't fix my life.
I am incapable of controlling my own life.
I don't know how to overcome the thoughts.
I don't deserve help.

But I know ...

I could be less happy.
I could have more problems to fix.
If I tried, I'd control my life and not others.
If I tried, I could deal with the bad thoughts.
I know everyone deserves help even if I don't feel worthy.

------------------------------------

I had another line but deleted it cause it seems really out-there, even for me. (hehe) I'm odd.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with me and reads my nonsense.

[jacq10]

(((Canders))))

Don't quit, you can do it. i know you can. you are such a strong person and you have so many positive qualities in you. Your caring, and smart, and funny, and are so well-respected on here. you have so much to offer. And i know its hard, but try not to listen to those negative thoughts so much, but also, dont minimise what you are going through. You are human, and what you are feeling now is normal, so try not to be so hard on yourself. You DO deserve help .. you DO deserve the best. .. and just know that whatever you say isn't "nonsense" ... its real.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((Jacq))))))