[ToeJam]

Well last night I was highly irrational and thinking of doing the thing… was all that was on my mind. Mentioned it to my wife as I was on knifes edge… she tried to help but started insinuating her religious beliefs of hell for the suicidal or at least limbo and it made me very angry and I felt like I was going to burst inside… ended up punching the wall several times (my default when things get unbearable and talking doesn't work as it distracts me - guess that = self harm?) and asked her to leave me alone.

I felt so trapped and alone… trapped to live like this and then having to entertain ‘her’ belief of the afterlife.

I am an atheist… so I don’t believe in that crap but at the time it didn’t help with my confusion and spiral… and I guess I was quite hurtful and dismissive to her

I ended up going to bed early and for the first time in months I had about 10 hours sleep on a work day.

Well she woke me up this morning and then left for work… I gave her a call and she said that I was horrible yesterday.. which I guess was a fair comment

Been contemplating that it is time to put the fake face back on and stop talking about issues with her… a bit sad about it as that’s one of the few release valves I’ve had over the past few months but I love her and the last thing I need is to drive her away.

Have tried so hard to explain things to her… to encourage her to read up on depression, speak to the gp.. anything to give her a better understanding but it’s fell on deaf ears.

[gayleggg]

Sorry, your wife is having such a tough time with your issues and won't educate herself about it. Sounds like the subject scares her. It does my husband. The only thing he really understands is when I'm depressed just to leave me alone. He does ask if there is anything he can get me or do for me which is nice. But when I'm depressed I only want to be left alone a quiet.

Sorry you have to go back to putting on a fake face, but that might be better than having to listen to her religious beliefs while you are not in a state that it helps. Sometimes spouses just can't get it. No matter how much we explain. They haven't been there.

Hope you have a better day today.

[mountainstream]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I hope for better days for you and better communication within your relationship.

Best wishes,
mountainstream

[Rohag]

Reasoning with the irrational is an exercise in frustration both for the reasoner and the reasonee. (I find this is also the case when the reasoner and reasonee are the same person.)

Do you have an anti-anxiety medication or an effective calming activity/behaviour for these times? Could your wife learn to recognize the signs you are entering a "unreasonable" state and adjust her responses more effectively? (Could you imagine trying to "reason" with someone having a seizure? )

For reference: Partners & Caregivers Support

[ToeJam]

I guess there was an element of anxiety involved... when I got home tonight I had a similar episode of us both being in the house... I'd been mulling over things the whole day and it triggered another outburst when I took it as her being dismissive of my thoughts.

She got upset and we chatted... she explained that she is trying her best and listed off all of the things that she has done to 'understand' as well as take account of my lethargy - i.e chores, food etc.

I explained that I do appreciate all that she does... that I know it's taking a toll on her and that I am thankful for her being her. That when the irrationality kicks in, that she should not take it to heart (and I went on with that being easier said than done)... that it's not about her or her faults but my perceived notions while I'm not in my right mind (easiest way I could explain it)... that I get very mixed signals that don't make sense and that the smallest thing can trigger fixation on detail.

I reassured her that I'm seeing the T in less than a week and hopefully that will releave some of the tension.

At the moment no, I'm not taking anti anxiety meds... I don't even know if its anxiety that I'm having... I don't know much about anything right now

[Pierro]

What is insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's the way I feel when I talk to my husband about my depression. He just doesnt get it and he never will, and it took me a hell of a long time to understand something that he never will. I think most depressives are on their own because a person cannot imagine what its like to be depressed.

[Clara22]

Hi Pierro
I think that in the future, people will understand better, maybe not the whole thing, but better than now. This will be because of awareness raising. It is the same with the concept of disability. I became disabled in 1981, and I have seen people changing their minds about disability progressively. Of course, there is a lot to be done ahead, but I feel that people have a better understanding about disability, even in places where there is still a lot of ignorance about it. Somehow we are carrying the torch for the new generations to come. Mental health issues were not even acknowledged in the past. Normalcy is also a concept that is being reviewed by society. Yet mental illness is attached to stigma, but little by little we are changing this. In addition to support each other, perhaps somehow we can spread awareness around us, online, writing anonymous letters, calling to the radio when they talk about the issue. Sometimes I do that, I think I should do more :-)

[ToeJam]

I understand where you are coming from Pierro.

The Missus and I had quite a deep chat about it last night… she gave the analogy of not being able to put her self in my shoes or relate having not experienced it herself… which makes sense.

She’s been going online (though hadn’t told me prior to last night) trying to research depression and as such has been trying her best to make allowances… she has great difficulty with dealing my mood swings and not taking it personally. That is the bit we’re trying to work with at the moment.

I explained (reiterated) that when the irrationality hits she’s going to be dancing on egg shells if she tries to rationalise with me or bring up solutions that are her own subjective thoughts rather than backed up with evidence and I think she got this.. Putting it into practice though will be interesting.

It took years till we got to this stage so I understand what you’re saying regarding your husband