Apathy

Hello. I've made a lot of posts about my depression/social anxiety/avoidant personality disorder but this one's a bit different. Just for some background: I've been painfully shy since I was three years old; I've never had a stable friendship, one where I could talk to the person about personal things in my life, one that actually lasted.

A part of me says that I really want friends but I'm starting to wonder; is it just that I want validation? Because the only time I have interest in someone is when they have some mental health issue (I guess I like the idea of it?), as strange as that is. But then when someone tries to be my friend, I have no desire to be their friend. All I feel is apathy. I only want (or think I want) someone to be my friend when they don't want to be mine, so do I also just want control? Validation and control and for someone to like me, but not friendship? I feel like a part of me greatly desires being alone, even though I'm lonely, or maybe it's because that's all I've ever known.

Or perhaps depression is just making me feel this way? I don't know. ^This doesn't make much sense, possibly. Sorry.

People that you want to be friends with that don't want you are usually more content with life. You want them to bring you up but they fear it will bring them down to your level and the same applies to yourself and other people that want to be your friend because they get benefit so it is a logical coping mechanism.

People that don't want to be your friend ignore their empathy (Ignorance).

What would you feel if you hurt a kitten? A kitten nge.. a happy playful kitten that's looking you in the eyes all wide eyed and purring.. tell me..

Um. Horrible? But what does that have to do with this? I wouldn't ever hurt a kitten, so.

Never mind I confused myself as well

Oh... okay, lol, it's no problem.

I think I can relate to some of the way you're feeling being a life long loner myself. I would actually sabotage relationships when I felt they were becoming a little too close for comfort. I've ended a lot of really good friendships that way. I have trust issues and would think, " This person is probably going to end up disappointing me anyway, so let's just get this over with." Even though I feel lonely at times, I feel more secure in my solitude. At this point in my life sadly, I don't see myself ever being in a special relationship.