[prettyjolie]

I know it's my fault, first of all.
For some reason, I have NO friends anymore. I just don't. I have no idea how it happened, but it did. Actually, I think it happened because I started being depressed and my self esteem became lower and I just didn't feel comfortable as myself.
I was someone that I don't like anymore and i'm trying to get rid of what remains of the old me.
Sometimes i'm not sure that I want to get rid of it, though. I had a lot of friends when I was in high school and a lot more fun that I have now, definitely. It seemed like people liked me more then than they do now. I can't relate to anyone.
I don't even know how to make friends anymore.. I don't know what has happened to me. I used to be so good at making friends.. i was so friendly and.. i don't know.
It's like noone wants to talk to me anymore.. but I don't even really feel like talkin. I guess I just wish what other people have and that's friends that care about them when they're down, when they have problems and all that. I definitely don't have that.. My so called friends aren't in my life anymore and I don't blame them. I am soo boring lately.
I don't feel like doing anything.. no one understands that.
My parents get mad at me because I don't help around the house.. and i don't blame them. I don't even have a job now..i should help.
But they don't understand that i don't even want to get up in the morning. i don't want to live life. Sometimes I do, but I just don't feel like trying. Everything has become so difficult. I don't even have the strength to get up and eat breakfast or lunch. I just wake up and do nothing for the rest of the day.. how pathetic.
I barely eat, not because I'm anorexic or anything, but I just don't feel like it. Sometimes i'm hungry but I just don't feel like eating. Nothing looks appetizing.. so i starve. I am losing weight because of that {and also because I exercise} but it's not healthy. Some days all I eat is some fiber cereal i like w/o milk and drink water.. barely anything else all day.
I know I am not doing anything productive in my life and it makes me feel bad but I just can't do anything. I want to.. but something is preventing me from doing anything. I feel stupid, like i'm wasting my life, just watching life pass me by.
I sit in my room all day. I go online for an hour or two, then nothing. I love to read, but lately I don't even feel like doing that. I get in trouble because I go online. My parents don't understand that it's the only thing that makes me feel just a little bit better. They think I'm talking to boys and chatting with random people about stupid things. But I'm not. I don't feel like it.
I feel so useless. I am useless.
I hate the way my life is going but don't feel like changing it.
I sit at home alone all day until about 3:30 pm when my mom gets home to lecture me. Then I go to my room and be alone again. It doesn't bother me most of the time.. But it's not normal. I know that.
i think I just don't care enough about myself or my life to do anything.
My mom used to ask me why I was letting myself go{months ago}. She asked me why I was gaining so much weight, why I didn't take care of my body and health. She asked me if i didn't like myself.
at first, i thought she was crazy for even asking me those questions. But she was right.
I don't care about myself and i don't like myself. I just hide it.
I feel so lonely and so dumb and so boring and dull..
I feel like the world can go on without me,and it is.. I am doing nothing to contribute to the world.. or even in my family.
I hate it. but i just don't care..
I just want to go to sleep forever.. i don't want to die.. i'm not suicidal. But I just want to go to sleep until I am feeling better. But it's not going to happen and i have to move on.. I just can't.
I can't even do the simplest things like eating or cooking or cleaning or even taking a shower {i force myself to do that, though.. lol}.
i feel like I hate everything. I don't like being so negative, but I don't know what to do about it.
I know I "should" talk to someone about it.. family member, friend, counselor, therapist.. whatever..
But i don't trust anyone.. and i don't want to do anything.
But sleep.. and forget about everything and everyone.
I just woke up a little over an hour ago and i want to go back to sleep. i got 9 hours of sleep and I want to sleep more. What is wrong with me??
I watched the movies SAW I and SAW II the other night.. i really liked them.. and I can't wait for the third one this weekend.. sometimes I feel that something like that is going to happen to me if i don't start appreciating my life. I want to appreciate it and i do try but sometimes it's just impossible.
it feels like everything is impossible..

i hate this. I've written here like 4 times and it's like always the same thing..
it's getting annoying.
I'm just not happy.

This is me most of the time:
.. arguing with myself :

[constant10]

Your bathing and exercising that proves you are doing something for yourself...go further...do your nails...I did mind last night a nice mauve color...If I knew how I would take a picture of them and show you. Have you done your nails lately?

[FaithisAlive]

You sound terribly depressed and I hate that for ya. .i know what its like; it could be you need medication to help you with that. Which, there is nothing wrong with medication if it helps you take your life back and live it.

Classic signs of depression are sleeping too much and not caring about even the simplest things.I think you should see a doctor. You could be having a chemical imbalance, or a thyroid problem that is causing this and if so it can be helped fairly quickly...age is not a factor with thyroid problems either.
Or are there other reasons for your dsepression? my therapist says depression is anger turned inward.. is that a possibility for you?

I think a good thing would be if you can force yourself to get up and go for a walk outdoors... even for 10 minutes.. get out into the sunlight..it helps with depression too.Sometimes you have to be hard on yourself and make yourself do things you just don't want to do and then as you continue to do this, it gets easier.

I totally understand about friends.I have friends that have been in my life for more than 20 years and I find myself alone... they are not the kind of friends I need anymore... I have grown and changed beyond them.. it may not be that you are boring.. it may be that you have grown apart.. it happens.

What about church? Do you have one you can go to where you can meet new people? I belong to an Assemblies of God church and they have great youth groups...it could be the way for you to get out of this slump you are in...check into it... make yourself take the step out of the dark place you are in.

I hope you feel better soon hun... truly I do.. your whole life is ahead of you.. you deserved to be happy.Pm me anytime...Faith

[Fuzzybear]

[wanting]

I know the place youre in right now and it isnt pretty and i feel so sad for you.You ned to get help and get it right away,there is no point in saying you dont trust people b/c you do not seem to be able to get yourself out of this anytime soon,Go to your doctor and get yourself to a therapist asap,you will feel a little better as soon as you have made that little step.and remember that there is no stigma in depression.its a long and winding road ahead for you,there is no instant cure but at least each step is one inthe right direction b/c at the moment your wandering in the desert and that aint good for no one.If you take faith is alive's advise and find a church be sure to find the right one and not some waco cult type b/c i been there and done that to..Not good,,
Take care .
Barry