Divorced

I've been divorced for many years now and I still sometimes fantasize about us getting back together. I now realize she fell out of love with me a long time ago, long before we got a divorce but I still live in my own little world. The truth be told I don't think I really love her anymore I just want to go back to normal and with her is the last time I felt normal. That being said logically I know that I don't want to be back with her I just want normalcy. How messed up is that, I would be willing to go back with a person who doesn't love me just for a chance to feel normal. Just goes to show how much I would be willing to give up to get back to feeling ok. That being said if we got back together would I feel normal? If so would I take the lack of love to get that feeling back? I honestly don't know, if given the opportunity I am not sure what I would do. Sorry, just been thinking and needed to put it somewhere.

I think it's normal to fantasize like this, but if it's the only time you feel normal and not depressed it's a good sign that you need to find away to move forward. Are you seeing someone professionally for your depression? If not, that would be your best bet.

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The urge for "normality" is powerful, even if what was "normal" was an undesirable or untenable state.

Feel free to expand your thoughts.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I find that I really don't think I'm good enough for anyone in the world and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I have been in a self destructive path that has gone so far as to let everything I own in storage to go to auction and lose it even though I could have gotten it paid for. I am on the verge of my ex taking visitation of my youngest son and when that happens I will truly have nothing. This has been going on for years, I have lost so much and almost all of it was self inflicted. I can see now I was just waiting to have nothing so I could have an out and I am one step away from being there. I am normally very logical, I can see the path I am following and have had a million side paths I could take but I keep going in the same direction. I know I need help, I just haven't been able/ willing to do so. I can look back over the past decade and see my path, see how destructive and stressful it has been and yet I keep following it. I wish I was a better/ stronger person I am just not.

Sounds like depression talking. You need to try and get help. Maybe see you GP and see if he can help. Best wishes.

No GP, no job or cash. Was going to wait till after Thanksgiving to check myself into hospital now thinking I may not last that long. I hate feeling like this I had a good day a couple days ago and now I think I am being punished for it because I fell miserable, more so than I have in a long time. The despair is almost a presence in the room with me right now.

Just struggled through weekend with my son, I love him so much but lately it is all I can do to put on the happy face and give him a good weekend. He's only 13 and I know he knows how bad things are he asks me 100 times a day if I'm ok. I'm far from ok and he knows and I don't know what to do. I am at the end and when I lose him I know I'll be lost, in one way I'm waiting for it to happen and think I will feel relief but I'm terrified of what will happen. At that point I will have lost everything I ever had then I will be really lost.