[mulan]

I don't know what I am doing with my life. This week has barely beging and it's already been an eyes opener. I'm completly alone, I don't know anyone that likes me and everyone find it so easy to say. My sister said to me that I was a burden to her, that I was an anti-social person, she called me a freak, that I didn't cared about anyone beside me, that I was selfish, and that I only cared about being the best at school. It let me down, because she believes I am like this because I chose it and she believes that I will never change. I devoted all my years to my sister, she is older and all my life I've been her fallower, I did respect her. I allways agree with all her opinions, and I let her by on comand, because she likes to control everything...dispite I barely feel something and don't have motivation I'm allways pushing myself to help her and say nice things when I see she is down. She perfectly understands depression, she knows a lot about it, and even so, when she looks through me, she just sees a selfish girl indiferent to the world who thinks she's better than anybody else.
My other roomate is allways saying mean things to me like (you don't do anything bad to anyone but you don't anything good either, sometimes he's more specif) and then he says he was kidding. I know he doesn't, today I try him and I said you meant it and he said he wasn't kidding, but that he liked me as a person...But I know he wasn't speak the truth either, it sounded a lot as an execuse. An pulling together all the things that he has been said about me "just kidding" I know he doesn't like me. I have no friend in school, nobody wanted me in their groups and I'm with this group of boys allways talking about sexist things, porno and so one. I hate, I feel apart with them. I have never been so lonly as I am these days and I'm loosing my straighs to keep going on the study thing. My family knows my behaviour, my difficulties and they don't make a move to help, suposely I'm the one who has to change her personality, but I can't.
I am at the end of the line, one step further and I will fall, and nobody gives me an hand.And it's been bothering me the fact that I can't feel, so I can't be sad, so they can't see me as a depressed person. Why I let myself went in this path and why I can't get out of it?

[Vossie42]

It's hard when you've been depressed for so long. So many people don't realize that depression has no time limits. I think that they get tired of depressed people not getting better. They're disappointed that their support has had no or little effect, so they lash out at the depressed person and tell them that it's their fault. I'm sorry your sister is being mean to you. Maybe she doesn't have the strength to offer you support right now, but that doesn't give hr the right to tear you down. My mother always said that if you can't say anything nice, then shouldn't say anything at all. I think that's very true in many cases!

Your roommate and guys you hang out with sound like jerks.

You're in school, right? Is it near the end of the term? I'm in college and final exams are in two weeks. I've been really struggling with depression and anxiety since the second month into the semester. It has gotten steadily worse as the semester progressed. I'm a basket case now. School pressure has really been getting to me. Also, I had to write a paper which made me examine the current state of my life and where I want it to go. I feel like I'm going to fail. Writing that paper was too much introspection for me, lol.

It's so hard being at the end of your rope. {{{hugs}}}

[Rohag]

Hello, Mulan.

Originally Posted by mulan

I devoted all my years to my sister, she is older and all my life I've been her fallower, I did respect her. I allways agree with all her opinions, and I let her by on comand, because she likes to control everything...

You and your sister seem glued together in a rigid roles-relationship; you both are used to playing the same roles vis-à-vis one another. A person can barely grow in that type of situation.

What are the possibilities for moving beyond your sister's influence?

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Mulan.

You and your sister seem glued together in a rigid roles-relationship; you both are used to playing the same roles vis-à-vis one another. A person can barely grow in that type of situation.

What are the possibilities for moving beyond your sister's influence?

I can't, we live in the same houses, at the weekends at our parents and during weekdays in our appartment next to collegue. It is cheaper (???) to my parents if we live like this. We are studing in the same collegue so it is unlikely for me to be away from her. She is left 2 years to graduate, to me, 3 years to go. I don't know if I am capable to live on my own, I can barely manage my life, without her and without my brother I would be completly alone on this world. And I can't manage it to find new friends. This kind of relationship is inside my mind already, it is a part of the way I am. Even if I could manage to be away from her I wouldn't have any support to help me grow and change.

[Vossie42]

Can you see a therapist? I think therapy can really help. You've had your issues since early childhood. It would be very difficult to resolve them on your own. Does your school have any therapists available? You'll be there for another three years. You can get a lot of good therapy done in three years.