[Martek]

I feel like I am losing the battle with depression. Every day seems to be getting harder and harder just to make it through. I quit living a long time ago then went into kind of a survival mode. For the past couple of years I have just been trying to survive each day and have found very little joy in anything I do. Well sometime in the last year ( I'm not sure exactly when this happened) I have crossed over into just getting by. I feel like a shell who just eats and sleeps. This is not life, it isn't even a semblance of living. I don't know how I can go on I just want it to end. I spend more time on the crisis chat line and this website than anything else, before I could find some peace now I just do it out of habit.

[Martek]

I'm not sure why I called it a battle, should every day of life be a battle just to survive?

[Damage, Inc]

"To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh, you should laugh every day. Number two is think, you should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But, think about it, If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special." -Jim Valvano North Carolina State Basketball Coach who died in 1993 at the age of 47 due to cancer.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder earlier this year so I know how you feel about "living" versus "merely surviving." I was also homeless on the streets of San Diego for nine months straight. I can remember being cold, tired, and hungry and suffering from poor circulation in both legs, that was survival, and looking back, I'm still not sure how I made it through that dark period. Keep fighting!

[MollyGroove]

That's exactly how I feel all the time. I don't know how much longer I can just keep on carrying on.

[Idealsummerluvv]

Don't give up. There is always hope.

[Clara22]

Hi Martek
Perhaps it is difficult to believe but the way you’re feeling will change. I am not sure you are getting medication right now? Sorry I do not remember

[omofca]

I feel like every day is survival too. Some days aren't as bad as others but today I'm questioning how much longer I can stay alive. It's a dark place to think that.

[Martek]

I don't think I can go on much longer, this is way to hard.

That's how I feel a lot of the time lately too. But I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and somehow I make it through each day holding onto hope for a better life ahead. I know this dark period will end for me, and I hope it will for you too.

[caseygirl]

I'm in a dark place too right now. Have appointment with pdoc today, he'll probably up my meds, but the ways it's been going this isn't the fix-all. Thinking about you.

[Martek]

Texted my brother last night, got the standard replies you can beat this, your stronger than you think, you need to forgive yourself. I wish it was that easy.

[Fuzzybear]

[Martek]

I've tried several times over the past month to reach out to my family and get help but I just keep getting brushed off. I think I always thought they would be there and I know they want to be, I just don't think they can. Maybe they just don't know how maybe they just think it isn't that serious. The only thing that has gotten me through the past several nights is the crisis chat line and I don't think it is as effective as it was at the beginning.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Martek

I've tried several times over the past month to reach out to my family and get help but I just keep getting brushed off. I think I always thought they would be there and I know they want to be, I just don't think they can. Maybe they just don't know how maybe they just think it isn't that serious. The only thing that has gotten me through the past several nights is the crisis chat line and I don't think it is as effective as it was at the beginning.

I can appreciate that it's difficult. It took until this past half year for my wife (we've been together 14 years) to stop with the 'tough love' routine when I stumbled (with her then being confused with it triggering some anxiety attack that would signal a big pointless argument) to actually listening to what I was saying and do some research into depression.

I don't think people who haven't been there really get something is seriously wrong unless things come to a head (which is a very dangerous place to be for us obviously and I'm not suggesting succumbing to giving up )

That's probably why a lot of us have to internalise it to a large degree and try to find coping mechanisms as well as getting support (however good that might be) from 'trained' professionals.

Even when lay people do try to help, we have to be tolerant when they go off the mark. Both my mum and my wife bombard me with questionable research that I should try and then might get better - to do each and everyone would result in me not eating, drinking or having anything to do with technological appliances so I have to try and be patient and sift through what 'might' be an idea for cutting back on... but yeah.

Do keep posting here... pm anyone that you're comfortable with and just talk. Sometimes, being able to get it out in written form can release the pressure. It does for me

[Martek]

Just one more thing I can say I failed at, I can't even ask for help even though every fiber of my being is screaming for it. I got in the car and sat and pounded the steering wheel and screamed as loud as I could. That is all I want to do is scream and scream and beg for help, instead I will sit on the couch, open a beer, and let the tears well up.

[caseygirl]

Originally Posted by Martek

I've tried several times over the past month to reach out to my family and get help but I just keep getting brushed off. I think I always thought they would be there and I know they want to be, I just don't think they can. Maybe they just don't know how maybe they just think it isn't that serious. The only thing that has gotten me through the past several nights is the crisis chat line and I don't think it is as effective as it was at the beginning.

You too huh. I had my appointment with pdoc today, tears the whole session, and came ( ) this close to a hospital stay as I am feeling so hopeless and si thoughts are constantly there. But, I have been in the hospital many times, and I would rather be in my own bed than in there, even though it is a safer place; it is also a dismal place too.

So I return home, my toxic mother wonders why I haven't been in touch. I explain I have been so very depressed and met with pdoc who debated whether to hospitalize me or not. Her response: "Well we all get depressed at times, and you've been through this hospital thing before". Hmmmm, great support. Really makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.