[Knitnut]

Back I go...third time in 18 months.

I wrote this earlier, but can't find it, so if it appears, my apology for the duplicate post.

Saw my doc today. Discussed what to do with me. Personally speaking, I made a BIG mistake going home for two weeks over thanksgiving. I have been the disappointment in my family for 65 years.

My mother couldn't have made it any clearer just how disappointing I continue to be, and my oldest daughter too on a daily basis here where I live...10 miles from her.

I stopped taking medical and psych meds on Saturday...why bother. Purely out of habit I do check my glucose three to five times a day. I didn't eat all day in Saturday. Just looking at food is nauseating. I did eat lunch today, Subway, and it is a lump in my stomach and I am a bit nauseous. I have a huge sweet tooth and even looking at that, pastry or chocolate...well unappealing.

So what to do, as doc put it I don't quit qualify for hospital since I am not suicidal...which is fine with me. The recommendation is to return to intensive hospital outpatient therapy which is three days a week for six hour each day.

I talked to my payee rep about extra allowance for the gas. The drive is one hour each way, three times a week.

I think the most interesting and unanswered is my failing mental health is if the experimental brain surgery I had in 2007 having a part in this. The pharma company stopped following us after 60 months...5 years.

[trippythreesix]

Hey capser..

I'm sorry you're not getting any better. I know these "encouraging" post are annoying and useless but i really am thinkin about you. Good luck with the intensive out patient.

Also, It would do you some good to get back on all your meds, ya know. A lot of withdraw symptoms include suicidal thoughts and depression. S

Stay Rad,

Trippy

[Knitnut]

The good thing about therapy is that I do listen and do a bit of thinking afterwards. My doc knows me VERY well after seven years...kind of scary...can't get away with anything.

After my last suicidal episode I promised to be TOTALLY honest with him, and I am. As I told him today, his office is the only place I don't hide, as in appearing to be what I am not as I/we do in public or with family. He makes me think, a good thing.

Sometimes, even without intent, I get a kick in the butt, an awakening, from a session. Fir example, why do I let my mother, who is 1,000 miles away decide who I am or am not. I know I shouldn't, but it is so very painful to know that of the three sisters I am the only disappointment my mother has, even at my age.

I actually ate dinner tonight and will prepare my seven-day pillbox and my 4:30pm pocket box in the morning. It was stupid depression and I just continue to let it define me and sink so quickly.

I will talk to the outpatient person and maybe I don't need to go there after all. I've been twice before, so they know me too.