[VioletLynx]

I've been depressed for a long time, but it has been usually been manageable till about two weeks ago. It started with my ex getting a new gf after we almost got back together. I was so hurt. Then I had a startling realization about someone I had an intimate relationship with. But instead of being more hurt I've become numb. I feel nothing except pain and emptiness. It scares me how rationally I can think about everything. Why it hurts, why the person did what they did, what I actually meant to them... I feel nothing about it not even more sadness. I've never self-harmed in the past- thought about it a lot but never acted. Not that I couldn't but i knew it was wrong and I could heal. but I feel like I'm at a tipping point and things like scratching myself is actually relaxing. I am taking to a T, but I've only been to her a few times and I don't know if bringing up my whole history has contributed to it... I don't know what to do. Advice please

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by VioletLynx

But instead of being more hurt I've become numb.

...I feel like I'm at a tipping point and things like scratching myself is actually relaxing.

These are significant. You would be justified making an urgent appointment with your T.

[Fuzzybear]

[too SHy]

Do you scratch yourself raw, until it hurts, and the itching is replaced with pain? I don't know if this is a form of self harm or what.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by VioletLynx

I've been depressed for a long time, but it has been usually been manageable till about two weeks ago. It started with my ex getting a new gf after we almost got back together. I was so hurt. Then I had a startling realization about someone I had an intimate relationship with. But instead of being more hurt I've become numb. I feel nothing except pain and emptiness. It scares me how rationally I can think about everything. Why it hurts, why the person did what they did, what I actually meant to them... I feel nothing about it not even more sadness. I've never self-harmed in the past- thought about it a lot but never acted. Not that I couldn't but i knew it was wrong and I could heal. but I feel like I'm at a tipping point and things like scratching myself is actually relaxing. I am taking to a T, but I've only been to her a few times and I don't know if bringing up my whole history has contributed to it... I don't know what to do. Advice please

I don't know the official term for the numbness and how 'rationally' you feel you can think of everything now...derealization/depersonalization/disassociation? ((sure, someone else, here, can pinpoint the word I am seeking))

That's what's bringing about the desire to harm, because the numbness and emptiness, and truly it's far from rational.

What you are going through, is traumatic plain and simple. You were about to get back together and you were betrayed. Which, day of the week, is your next T session?!

What a turd!! doing that to you!!! No right, leading you to believe there was going to be a get back together, when he was jocking another woman!! UGH!!!

ARGH!!!!

Start FEELING you pain, hun!! It's NOT your fault!! It's HIS!! Keep writing it, out!! Until, you can cry, again and actually feel the pain!

[VioletLynx]

Fuzzybear- thanks :-)
Tooshy- I thought I at least have myself a bruise but no.. there is no itch.. I guess, I don't know it's relaxing and doesn't leave any marks..
Healingme4me- unfortunately I don't see my T till the 19 and it's difficult for me to go because I need to leave work early to get there which is why I haven't made an appointment sooner.
I cried over him a lot, at least a week's worth.. it wasn't him the pushed me over it was my best friend... losing her at the same time made me reflect on our who relationship and how it was always not great. I guess over all I'm tired of being used. Being in relationships that I put more of an effort into than someone else will put in.. I feel the painand the anger but I just want to let it go and move on... I don't know if that explains things any better.. it might help if I confront her but I probably won't.. bleh.

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[trippythreesix]

Just as added information.. how has this depression affected your daily life? Do you have a soldi supporting group of friends or family or co-workers? Obvioulsy seeing a T is very very good.

Trippy

[VioletLynx]

Day to day, I have my ups and downs.. sometimes I fight with my parents a lot. They know about my issues but I really don't talk to then about it. Sometimes it's very difficult to focus on my work. Trouble sleeping, lacking enjoyment on things i like, Mostly I just feel lonely and isolated. My friends are not always around but they are usually there to talk. My cousins are helpful but can't really tell them everything. I think the biggest thing is that I feel like I have to leave something out from each group I talk to except my T

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[wave1]

Violet - I encourage you to work through the pain and anger however it works for you. Whether journaling, posting on here, exercising, talking about it...maybe all of those things...the key to resolution is acceptance. Once you get to the place of acceptance, you will be able to move forward. It sucks what they did to you. It hurts and its painful. You deserve better ! They treated you like crap...work out those feelings while they are still on the surface - don't allow them to get buried ! Don't push them under ! You will get through this. Be kind to yourself. You know what Violet - if that's the way they feel about you - they don't deserve to have you in their life. You are more valuable than that. They don't deserve your time and attention if that's how they treat you ! What they did shows a total lack of respect and lack of love for you. You deserve way better ! Find things that you enjoy doing to take your mind off of it. Carve out time to work on it and then put it away after that time is over until you are ready/able to work on it some more. Again - once you come to terms with what has happened - acceptance - you will be able to move on. You will get there. I have faith in you !

Hi VioletLynx, I feel the same way you do, totally numb. Nothing affects me anymore, even if someone hurts me in some or other way. I am at the point where I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm actually still relatively young (24) and just finished studying, but it's like something was taken from my soul, I just know it, it's like an empty feeling. It's so bad that I have no passions in life at all anymore, and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, because I have no love now for the stuff I've been studying for, for six years! I am so lost. It's just so weird, I feel no love, empathy, compassion, happiness or unhappiness, sadness, hate, or any feelings whatsoever, and I was never like this until a couple of weeks ago. I had depression before that, which started about two years ago, when I failed at trying to have a relationship with a girl whom I loved dearly. The funny thing is, I don't even love her anymore, at all. As a matter of fact, if she had to meet me again, I would probably chase her away, which really makes me feel like such a monster because she is such an amazing person. I think it is because I never got help for my depression early, and I dealt with my emotions in my own incorrect way, blocking them out and suppressing them until I feel nothing anymore. I no longer have any desire to become healthy, find a girlfriend, start a career, get married, have children, own a house, a car, acquire wealth - I just want nothing. I realised this when I hit rock bottom a couple of weeks ago and I asked myself - what do you want in life - answer: nothing.